Originally Posted by CroMagna
I think I have found myself: "free spirit". My true north is the word "slut". Is that who I am? I'm proud to be a free spirit or a slut. But for some reason the voices keep lecturing me, saying "men and women are different", that I haven't healed past a bad breakup, that I have low self-esteem. I think it stems from fear of what other people could say to me if they got to know me.
(On an aside, it's very offensive when people say "men and women are different", because men are able to fall in love and get married, so why are men able to fall in love if men and women are different? That means they aren't put in a box. They can do whatever they want.) I want to be treated as an individual with a unique sexuality that is all my own, not as someone who's not a natural woman.
So I found myself. Then why haven't the voices dropped?
the voices are in your memory and if the voices still affect you then you still get some of your self image from those memorized opinions of you.
As I read your messages, I don't hear a slut, I hear a human being seeking for clarity.
I don't judge you sexuality at all, but with intelligence, you still have to make wise choices for your body considering the STD's and AIDS possibilities. And you also have to consider why the other person is with you....most likely as an escape from his own confusion and not out of love. With that greed to escape, he's willing to do harm to you so long as he gets his "high" off you.
Sex as an escape isn't fun. What's fun is when sex is used to express love for your partner....then its play! But as an escape, the relief from confusion that sex or any drugs provides takes you into a dark and greedy side of life where evil happens.
No judgment here at all, just my observation as I've lived both sides of sex...the mental sexuality where sex has to become more and more of a thrill and the deep love side where just being in the embrace of the beloved is the thrill.
Logic makes it sound like a sex career would be great. You won't know until you live it but to live it is risky to your health and safety. If you're determined to do something in the sex arena, I would encourage you not to be with clients but to use the internet so that you have the distance you need to stay safe.
And when the true being is seen, out of compassion for self, you will find that you become protective of your body, knowing that it needs to be healthy for your lifetime otherwise you will suffer. Theres a huge and lifelong inner orgams that happens with clarity that is so powerful that the mental part of sexuality, the escapism, disappears. I've lived this and have witnessed it in others that are no longer confused. :-)
So again, the voices are there in your memory and for whatever reason, you recall those voices and they bug you. You're not a slut but a human being seeking that elusive happiness. You mind logically tries to take you there but ALWAYS tells you the wrong answer because it looks out into the world when the truth is that you are innately happy whenever you are not confused. That you are looking for happiness means you are confused and out of that confused mind comes a wild goose chase that leads to more confusion. Thats why sex and drugs have to be continuously upgraded to outpace the confused mind.
Sex triggers you mind to relax and in that relaxation, you get a glimpse at your true nature when you're not confused. You mind equates sex with happiness so you go back for more. What your mind doesn't see, because the mind is not our inteligence, is that inspite of a ton of sex, you are still searching for happiness.
Sex is a trigger to relax your mind, not the solution to your problem. The real quest is to figure how to be happy totally sober. That really means to find out why we are so confused all the time. I am not confused anymore....it took me 44 years to crack this nut. When I got schooled on the mind and got distance from it so that I could see that my mind is a process and not me, I finally got my life back from confusion. I stopped feeding the confusion with social and religious standards and allowed me to be me.
I truly appreciate that you openly share your story and hope to keep in touch with you! You know my website know that it is writen as a result of clarity out of my quest to grow....the same quest I see you on. The details of your journey are uniquely you, but that you are seeking is common to all. So in your story I can see your version of me! Watching you, helps me grow and I thank you! :-)