May be the last chance I get to bid you au revoir, cochonette. It was nice to know you. Just wanted to say that.
I know what you mean about being obsessive about and addicted to things. I was that way for most of my life, until I seriously went looking for a rope. I never found a decent rope, fortunately, nor did I really ever a consider than an answer, anyway, but I did pray to die for 3 nights. It the most pain I've ever endured in my life.
I came out of that a completely different man, understanding that no matter what else, What I am (not what I think
I am) is whole, complete, and perfect unto itself, and is invulnerable, untouchable, even, by anything the material world wants to throw at it. I could be threatened with death this very second, and be not afraid.
No one on these boards do I hope the same understanding for more than you. You're a diamond in the rough. If only you
could really realize that, you wouldn't have to endure these bouts of pain you so struggle with.
Take care, Cochonette. My very best wishes and thoughts for you.