I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel trapped in financial scarcity. I'm determined to make 2012 my breakthrough year.
I have no normal passions. When I ask myself what I do all day, it's reading about atheism vs. religion (if God exists), science, psychology, antinatalism, misanthropy, politics, and hooking up/going to swinger parties etc and having discussions with people that are close to me about these issues. Nobody will pay me to read and learn all day and these topics are so obscure that there's not a market for them. Sure I could be a legal prostitute in Nevada, but I don't have money for a plane ticket, my family would be suspicious about me moving to Nevada, and the competition is stiff. I could be a professor of atheism/religion, but it's so obscure there's no market for that, and I'm not interested in changing the world. I feel that professors are normally activists who have a cause they're fighting for. My only causes are self-preservation and truth.
I've read the Occupational Outlook Handbook from A-Z twice, I have read lists of hundreds of jobs, I read through jobs on Craig's List religiously and nothing jumps out at me, like this is my passion, this is my purpose. All normal jobs seem boring.
And in order to do anything I've contemplated doing, like computer programmer, I'd need money. I'd need 1k to enroll in the course that teaches you programming languages. I'd need at least 4k to go back to school to become a professor. I'd need money for a plane ticket and rent to head to the cathouses.
I don't think I have a passion (that's normal anyway). And I don't believe there's a purpose to life other than survival of the fittest.
I don't need money. I'm financially stable and have enough money for the things I need and some things I want. But part of me feels like I want to make a lot of money. It would make me feel like I'm not mediocre. I would make me feel like I conquered adversity. It would make me feel like I got one over people. It would make me feel like I had dignity. It would enhance my self-esteem vis-a-vis other people. It could be a motivating force. I want money to have things that would enhance my life, like an apartment so I can have friends over to visit, nothing major like a million dollars. (Part of me feels like I would just be reaching to something external to enhance my self-esteem, and that contentment comes from within, so I should forget about making potentially myself miserable to prove a point and to get money).
Everyone says go for passion over money, but what if you don't have a passion or can't monetize it? Then shouldn't you go for the money? And what do you do if you don't know how you're gonna make money? Or if it will leave you feeling content or just empty?
I feel like my only realistic option is to be an administrative assistant. I would feel so embarassed to be an administrative assistant. I would be embarrassed to tell people. It would be such a blow to my ego. It would make me feel like a loser, like the world put me in my place.