[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by nistacular

What's that supposed to mean? I mean... to connect with my self esteem is one thing. I can do that. When I'm alone I feel very happy and conscious... but I often get angry or anxious after human interaction.

That's me except for the angry part....been that way all my life....I see in me a deep sensitivity to others that aren't being themselves....the more authentic a person is, the more relaxed I am, but since most people are posing, I anxious around others.

I feel like I know your perspective... and that of Osho at this point. I feel like I absolutely agree that this perspective is the ultimate path to long term happiness and freedom/maturity.

However.... some part of me actually doesn't want that right now... it's like, all my life I've been so close to participating and actually enjoying the 'ego game' but it's never really happened for me... there have been fleeting moments, weekends, or just afternoons where I've been given this sort of high, because I feel my ego rise due to something I said or did. And people looked up to me/I felt like I was important. So I just want to play the game to see what I'm missing... I feel like if I don't do this, somewhere down the line I'll be facing a midlife crisis or something.

Then go for it, but I have to tell you that the midlife crisis is the ego collapse...when you so screwed up your life with so many entanglements and you've got no way to walk away from your mess. And no good escapes.

But I can tell you that clarity is orgasmic....and it lasts forever, not fleeting like an ego trip.

This has to do with anger and anxiety of course, because these are the biproducts of threats to the ego... and I feel like I need them right now. I want to express them... I'm almost ready to give in to them completely and probably make some remark I may or may not regret to someone. I'm so apathetic sometimes, even around the people I care about - it's like I'm on the verge of establishing an ego and I don't want to step down - not after feeling so rejected for a portion of my life.

Ok, so then you achieve domination...then what? They knocked you down for so long and "fulfillment" seems to be to knock them down. Ok, after that game gets old, then what? Will you be ready to try clarity?

Also this feels odd, because right now I'm not at all playing the ego game - I'm just kind of speaking literally about myself.... well I guess online I have some exceptions ahaha.

What do think of this decision? I value your opinion

You are playing the ego game....what you're asking is advice on how to win it.

I don't have that advice because everyone that plays is a loser.