What's that supposed to mean? I mean... to connect with my self esteem is one thing. I can do that. When I'm alone I feel very happy and conscious... but I often get angry or anxious after human interaction.
I feel like I know your perspective... and that of Osho at this point. I feel like I absolutely agree that this perspective is the ultimate path to long term happiness and freedom/maturity.
However.... some part of me actually doesn't want that right now... it's like, all my life I've been so close to participating and actually enjoying the 'ego game' but it's never really happened for me... there have been fleeting moments, weekends, or just afternoons where I've been given this sort of high, because I feel my ego rise due to something I said or did. And people looked up to me/I felt like I was important. So I just want to play the game to see what I'm missing... I feel like if I don't do this, somewhere down the line I'll be facing a midlife crisis or something.
This has to do with anger and anxiety of course, because these are the biproducts of threats to the ego... and I feel like I need them right now. I want to express them... I'm almost ready to give in to them completely and probably make some remark I may or may not regret to someone. I'm so apathetic sometimes, even around the people I care about - it's like I'm on the verge of establishing an ego and I don't want to step down - not after feeling so rejected for a portion of my life.
Also this feels odd, because right now I'm not at all playing the ego game - I'm just kind of speaking literally about myself.... well I guess online I have some exceptions ahaha.
What do think of this decision? I value your opinion