Just today I've been practicing just letting the feeling come - observing it, and letting it go. I've been able to release emotions like this... but now I'm left feeling depressed. I'm left feeling like no one particularly cares about me, which I'm becoming more okay with... but I don't particularly care about others.
Today I went to go pick up my sim card (from a cell) from a girl I work with who borrowed it... she's even more emotional/anxious than I am. She told me she would be at my apartment in 5 mins. By the way, while writing this, I'm having difficulty keeping up my train of thought... I keep forgetting what I want to say... and I'm trying to just type it literally. My thoughts are so scattered right now.....
I went back to my apartment, and immediately the anxiety started kicking in, because she was coming to my apartment in 5 mins... I started picking up stuff, moving it around, trying to make it look nice. 5 mins passed - my thoughts were "do I have time to eat before she comes?"... but a sort of apathy overtook me, and I gave in... I decided to go eat anyway. But she came to my place like half an hour later. She was on the verge of tears, smoking a cigarette. She told me it helps her with her anxiety problems... - suddenly I was faced with someone who was suffering more than myself, even though I have much unresolved issues. Thing is - since I've been living in somewhat of a shutdown (I'm sure you can relate), I'm used to feeling apathetic... but now I had this urge to care for this girl.... my immediate response, that goes back to my childhood, would be to give her a hug and talk to her about everything and make her feeling better, and really connect. But I realized that whenever I have done that throughout my life, subconsciously I've expected something in return.
Anyway, I acted in the only way I could without wanting anything in return - I voiced every thought I had to her - which wasn't much, and I asked her politely if she wanted a hug. She said yes and started crying even more. Again I felt the urge to say more and comfort her more but I was held back, afraid of getting myself somehow emotionally involved - so I ended up saying very little, and maybe she appreciated that. She told me I was a really good friend and she had to go (her mom was picking her up or something). I was left feeling really calm.... but like I didn't have a personality.
I feel like someone needs to give me a reason to care about people again.
I don't feel like I typed most of those words because I deeply felt them though... I typed them because those are my objective observations of the happenings of today. I feel like that's not truly living. I wish I had more passion. But at least I was able to keep the anxiety away. I wish I could become obsessed with something again - even if I get hurt, that's okay. I've always been very good at shutting down though.... but I wish I could forget how to shut down all together.
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