OK - I am deep into the avoidance. I really want to get pat this. It is so powerful. I chose to believe that holding onto the mindfulness is the way forward.
What I am experiencing is a overwhelming physical sensation. I have not been able to eat much lately and have lost 20 pounds in recent months - without any effort. The feeling is one of a strong stomach ache and low blood sugar. I have to sit quite frequently and feel even more desire to avoid.
As this wretchedness grows and grows I remember that this is much what I went through during the months after my husband died. It feels much like profound grief. Then I get these slight inklings that this is also much like it felt when my father was belittling me while praising others. It is something like a kick in the gut.
I cannot tell you how difficult it is to do the things on my list to do -like decorate the Christmas tree. I am so drawn to withdraw and go into a fetal position. No Can Do!!!