nistacular - I resonate with your opening post. I spent most of my life filled with such anger and at times rage. In recent years it just seemed to bubble over and I did not seem to be able to control it. And yet in the past year I found that it suddenly had abated. But what was left was a bit of depression and a lot of anxiety.
I have been working for many years to unravel what I will simply refer to as my dysfunction. In the last few years I finally got down to the source. Perhaps I could have accessed it earlier but it was embarrassing to me and I could not quite fully realize that I, as an adult, was still crippled by things that had happened to me as a child and adolescent.
because it was embarrassing to me that I was still plagued by childish things I repressed it and went into a kind of denial. One factor that added to the repression was that I had no one with whom to share my pain. Those closest to me simply denied or ignored it and that added to my sense of shame and doubt about it all.
But the point I am getting to is that once I recognized the source of my pain and I realized that while other humans would deny it of me and not be able to offer me compassion and support or even encouragement that I would have to own it for myself. Taking ownership has been difficult and slow. Not being able to share with others and to receive compassion and empathy left me feeling alienated and isolated. And as rejection and alienation were huge issues and pains for me all of that seemed to tumble in to gather and make things worse.
The bottom line was that I had great reason to be angry but because anger is not well received and because I was not in touch with the source of my anger and because the reason for my anger was actually denied by those who had been witness to the experienced that generated it all fed my denial. As I got in touch with the origins and owned the validity of my anger the rage began to abate and I began to have enough time (a few seconds) to identify what was actually happening and to intervene before I reacted.
Now I am facing the overpowering effects of anxiety that actually undergirded the anger. I am left with that and though it is very, very difficult and debilitating I am able to persevere because I know what the future can bring.
I encourage you to trace the source of your anger and to validate it for yourself. When you experience anger in the present spend time with it and trace it back to some older wounds that made you mad.
This practice released me from some uncontrollable anger in my life and though the anxiety is wretched it is simply a stop along the path to wholeness.
God speed to you in your journey.