Thanks. You have helped me more then you may know.
Not bc I will now go to psychotherapy but just bc you pointed out some stuff, and reinforced what I knew was blocking me.
Ive been feeling really cheerful, which is weird.
The student left town on Saturday and I havent heard from him since.
I had lunch today with a new friend and this guy reminded me of the student cause they have the same accent, and yeah, I was slightly sad, but also happy, grateful to have experienced the whole thing
For me this was an incredible experience! I am trying to manifest a reality that I long forgot what it felt like. You cannot manifest what you cannot imagine.
I hadnt experienced such a strong mutual connection, full of love, communication(even with our limited mutual vocabulary) respect, curiousity, attraction for so long! Years and years! I didnt know what that felt like anymore. Only 2 months ago I looked at a loving couple on a train and cried bc I felt what they had was impossible for me. Today it seems not only possible, but likely. Because I had it here. With such a wonderful kind hearted guy. He courted me and made me feel so loved and beautiful. So deserving of love. thats priceless.
I do not know whether Ill ever see him again, but he installed a very good experience in my heart.
Yes, I have issues to deal with.
And the most important one being : RELAX!
Yes, I need to just relax. Im in no rush even if Im 38. I trust I will have the family I long for in the right time.
Take things SLOW. Not to rush like crazy to the finish line.
Which only makes me desperate.
Seahorse thanks for showing me that I was behaving this way...
I may even tell the student, that if he ever does come to NY, I want him to come as a friend, a person Im getting to know, not as my boyfriend. We arent there yet, even though physically we were. It feels unbalanced. Of course he got scared I told him come to NY and we'll have 2 babies.
Of course he got scared, I would too.
And yes, theres a lot of healing for me to do as well.
I singned up for a 5 week course on Releasing the
Trauma of a Break Up, that I shouldve done 16 years ago.
I feel OK. Hopeful and peaceful.