Zephyrapalooza! First things first...I really like you and I like what you have to say on most everything. I hope you're doing much better now. Sure seems like it to me, but as RonSouther mentioned, looks can be deceiving.
This is a tough topic. Suicide is very much taboo still. It's tough for me especially since I've struggled with the thought a lot, especially in my teenage years. Just talking about it brings back the memories. But it's important to talk about it. I think most people have thought about suicide. That's important to keep in mind.
I'm a whole lot better now. In fact I can survive situations I know
people would run away from today.
If you don't mind me saying, I think what you've accepted intellectually you're not yet feeling emotionally. I get the feeling you're inspired by the buddhist approach right? You know that fear you feel when you're intimate with someone? I think you're fearing attachment
. You've felt the pain of being attached to someone then losing them before right? It's probably compounded by the fear of being alone. If you let that pain stop you from building a relationship with anyone, you're not detached yet. I think the goal is to just be yourself and to be aware of our subconscious processes which lead to attachment. It's a path to inner peace, whether you are with someone or alone. By the way, you've been alone with your body and your thoughts your whole life, technically speaking, just like all of us. It's not so bad is it?
Quiet your mind. Observe your inner being. Think a thought. For example: ''I am alone''. What does it feel like? Which areas of your body react? This will be a good guide for you to know where you really are, deep down inside.
Originally Posted by ZephyrusX
It is a powerful insight. It feels tremendously peaceful, doesn't it?
I forget about it at times too. Well, actually, may be it is more of a case of taking the principle of non-attachment and the path of least resistance and upgrading it to a more sophisticated coping system. I've always had this weird fear of being alone (I distinctly remember waking up at a really young age with a terrifying thought that I was going to end up alone). Compared to that, indifference and simply letting go is peaceful. It is sort of like escapism in a way: 'I just don't ♥♥♥♥ing care any more if I am alone. I'm not going to care about people'. But it works. It is a hell of a lot better than putting a bullet through your head.
But it is a poor coping mechanism, in my experience, as those fears of rejection and being alone always resurface the moment I meet the slightest bit of emotional intimacy in my life. That doesn't mean that I can keep working on the principle of non-attachment and a path of least resistance though. I'm slowly working on a system where I actively build relationships with a genuine interest, but there is the underlying understanding that it really doesn't mean anything if I am alone. It just is. There is no attachment to a particular outcome.