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Originally Posted by ZephyrusX  'I just don't ♥♥♥♥ing care any more if I am alone. I'm not going to care about people'. But it works. It is a hell of a lot better than putting a bullet through your head. |
Oh, I know this one well.
Determining to not care because caring hurts too much in a world where I perceived such a lack of compassion and caring for people. I struggled in conflict with wanting to not be like them, but also wanting to be like them and not care. I would try and kill that part of me that cares, as a way to relieve my troubled mind.
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But it is a poor coping mechanism, in my experience, as those fears of rejection and being alone always resurface the moment I meet the slightest bit of emotional intimacy in my life. That doesn't mean that I can keep working on the principle of non-attachment and a path of least resistance though. I'm slowly working on a system where I actively build relationships with a genuine interest, but there is the underlying understanding that it really doesn't mean anything if I am alone. It just is. There is no attachment to a particular outcome.
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It's been interesting to read this thread, and much of what has been said articulated my feelings on the subject, which I was never able to put into words...something that made things even worse for me when I was in terrible pain...not being able to express the distress I was in in any way. It remained locked up inside me, and would not come out. There were no words to speak.