Originally Posted by danas
Dear seahorse Ive done so much soul searching for my 38 years. NLP, EFT, Time techniques, Psychology, Byron Katie, Kabbabla, vipassana, etc etc.... all pretty thoroughly. And they were all very helpful in their own ways, but maybe not enough. you cannot spend your whole life trying to understand your childhood. Or maybe you can, but I dont know what this means anymore. Its abstract.
It's 'work' all right but obviously not the real kind of work. What I'm trying to get at is, that you're in a (and forgive me, I don't mean to step on your toes here - I have been through this myself and I've come out of it so maybe I feel I am in a different position to give you some input that you may not want to see...or clear up some blinds spots that seem to keep you from coming full circle) kind of mid-life crisis and you feel time is running out...
The real work (or 'solutions', because that's what I feel you really are looking for), is not based in new age stuff (I'm serious). I've done the whole rounds and they have not gotten me as far as genuine, solid psychotherapy as well as deep soul-work, and healing
I have distanced myself considerably from too much of that. Vipassana is all too mind-based, as is most of the new age 'mental' stuff that ignores the most important part of you - especially being an artist: your soul's yearning - your heart's desire. You say you 'have to accept' who you are but you sound as if you need healing rather than 'just' accepting your 'state' of being desperate.
You haven't healed your previous hurt and that's what's making you 'replay' in different ways the scenarios in varying degrees of 'intensity'. When you spent a whole year crying - did you feel at the end of it that you just stopped because you were exhausted or because you felt you had cried all your pain out? I feel it is the former. You have not healed at all. That's why all this stuff you mention above, is so 'abstract' to you. It doesn't make any sense on an emotional level.
Coz' the pain is still there.
You have to heal your pain, not 'accept' your "fate" that you create unhappy situations for yourself. And I'll tell that you will not find the healing in 'new age babble' or meditation work. I've done the same mistakes and I know what I'm talking about and I can tell you, it will never 'resolve' that pain or the hurt because it's still 'colouring' your choices and decisions.
And rather than shutting yourself off (closing your heart) you have to heal your heart, not your mind. Do you understand?
As long as you feel an inner void, you will keep recreating this pain on different levels, in different forms. I am not one to make you do something that is against your grain, but I feel that what would help you more than any new age stuff or even the very flawed 'LoA', is soul-retrieval. It's a shamanic healing method that helps you reconnect lost parts of your soul and merges and mends parts of yourself you feel you might have lost a long time ago (I'm older than you, so...again...I'm a few steps ahead of you).
When we go through a traumatic experience, a part of our soul is cut off and 'flees' in order for our 'normal' selves to keep functioning. But on an inner level, you feel hollow and devoid of true joy. 'Something' is always missing even if you can't put the finger on it.
There are excellent healers that do soul retrieval work for you. But you have to be willing to first acknowledge that you're just in pain and suffering (in spite of your proclamations to the contrary). This young man just mirrored something very important to you: your fear of intimacy is in direct connection to the traumatic event that crushed you when you were 21 years old. At least, that's what I'm intuiting.
This lady is very good in explaining what soul retrieval is: Sandra Ingerman
When the soul is split, nothing can seem to heal or 'repair' it. There's a constant ache, sometimes weak, sometimes strong but it doesn't just "go away" with nice affirmations....
Shamanic work goes much deeper than any meditative work I've ever done or even all the other new age 'tips' because it looks at the whole
of you, not just your 'head'. It also works with emotional and energetic blocks that you do not know you may have accumulated from other people and also, from your own unresolved past experiences. In combination with psychotherapy (which helps to keep you grounded and focused on true inner work), you can truly begin the healing you need in order to reconnect with that which you lost when you were still unable to deal with that situation. I also intuit and feel that it would be very good for you to work with women rather than with men. It will help you better in redefining your own issues with men better than if you'd be having a male counselor (the risk of you falling for him...just seems too obvious to me, what with your tendency to fall for unavailable men).
This is just for you to look at, but Osho Humaniversity is excellent in working with body energy, release work (pent up anger, pain, anything that blocks your emotional energies). It challenges you in ways that no new age stuff ever will because it's extremely physical - meditation in action. Home - Osho Humaniversity
There are centres in the US, too, but you'd need to look it up. When it feels right for you, I would definitely incorporate more of the physical (our cells store pain as 'memory' in our energetic, physical field) because it helps you to release blockages that meditation or 'mental work' will never be able to achieve because it remains all in your 'head'.
Originally Posted by danas
Im actually learning to accept my flaws. I've always been really hard on myself, and beat myself up, and hurt myself for not being perfect, but now I wanna learn to accept myself. Being needy doesnt mean Im worthless.
I never said anywhere that you're worthless. But being needy is not
healthy (children are needy but you're an adult - at least on the physical plane - if not on an emotional level). And you know that. Because it doesn't make you happy. It's as simple as that.
Originally Posted by danas
I feel like I spent years being so afraid of my own neediness so I kept my heart closed. I was heartbroken at 21 and cried so much in one year, that I hadnt cried again until I was 32. My biggest fear was to be vulnerable again, or express neediness. But I am. My center now is stronger than it was at 21, but still I am needy. So is my happily married sister BTW.
My gut feeling tells me that you need to learn to get your 'needs' fulfilled not just from a 'man' but maybe divert this neediness to voluntary work. Working with animals can be extremely gratifying as well. Working with other people (say, as a volunteer with children or the elderly) can be a true source of fulfillment and can bring you to an awareness that maybe it's not good for you to concentrate your source of 'happiness' onto a sole human being that happens to be your partner in life.
D'you know what I mean?
In other words: diversify your 'sources'. Get your (emotional) needs fulfilled from more than just one person. And learn to nurture yourself properly
on an emotional level. In order for your life to change you have to go through the process, not excuse yourself from it. You're cheating yourself, not anyone else.
Originally Posted by danas
Yes, time. Im 38. I intend to have a family.
These days you can have a family still in your early forties. It's better to be in a good place and only then start a family rather than jump into it and have the children suffer (...) because you just didn't "want to wait" any longer.
You're not doing yourself a favour - nor the kids that you intend to have... An emotionally overbearing and needy mother is the worst thing a child has to put up with. It's not
It's about balance, danas. Really. First you have to heal yourself
that, you can consider having a family.
But don't saddle the horse from behind. It's bound to backfire.
You need to become balanced before you have a family not expect having a family resolve your emotional issues.