[danas]

Let's keep it simple, shall we?

OK. What do you REALLY want?


Seems to me you're conflicted between wanting to be with a man and at the same time seeing yourself as an 'independent, wonderful, great person' to hang out with. I'm not saying you are not, but it doesn't 'gel'...and thus, it doesn't 'manifest' in real life for you. D'you know what I mean?

What I want is to have lots of good friends around, doing the work I do and loving every second of it, having abundance to not think twice about having whatever I fancy, while sharing my life with a loving partner.

Thats it.
The first half I have. A career I love that satisfies me, financial abundance, recognition, having friends I love, as well as practicing spiritual work. Also I have good relationships with parents. I didnt always, but now I do.
I dont mind if it doesnt "gel" for you, because Im the one living it .

You're sending out mixed messages. You're not in line with yourself - and yes, the fact you're confused (and, dare I say so, inconsistent in your behaviour - where's your head after you've been to bed with a man? Did it get lost somewhere? I'm just asking you, you don't have to answer me - it's for you to ask yourself what you're doing. Because you have to live with the consequences of your own f-ups, if you know what I mean) shows up in your life as men that behave contradictorily.

You're creating your own headaches by not being clear with yourself. That's what's really coming over here...

Well yes. If my goal is to be in a relationship that lasts I should probably take it more slow and stay away from unavailable men as a start. agreed.

Where does it come from? You have to start digging into your past - why?

Do you really think I never did?

But actually right now, instead of trying so hard to change who I am. I am going to accept myself just as I am. Yes, Im needy. Yes, Im intense.
Not always, but sure, no doubt I am.

We attract our parents. I'm not kidding.

Of course. I agree. and I made a great choice of them.

When we are not aware of our own childhood issues, we repeat the patterns that we have been 'taught' as 'role models' (this is not to be taken literally, it is to merely understand that this is all you know - and because it is familiar, it feels 'good' to you, even if it hinders and damages your prospects of being happy in a relationship).

So, as an example, if your mother was constantly running after your dad (even if he was not in the house - in case the marriage broke up), you're copying your mother's way of behaving towards men.

If your father was 'weak' (i.e., he was unable to deal with a woman's natural needs and just fulfill them 'satisfactorily'), you'd have a tendency to 'fall' for men who can't give you what you need - unconsciously you repeat what you know even if it makes you unhappy. D'you understand what I'm getting at?

My mom actually left my dad for another man. And my dad was always a strong man. And after my parents divorced, sure he was sad, but soon after attracted many amazing women who were crazy about him.
They are both happily remarried

The irony, is that the more you want somebody, the more pressure you exert on yourself and the poor man (sorry luv' it's not meant in a negative fashion, just being real, ya know?) is doing what he can to back off and get out of the 'situation'. Yes, you were patient to wait until you got intimate with the guy, but it's after you'd been with him, that the switch 'flipped' and your brain went shopping (so-to-speak!).

Yup. thats what happened. Although, there are other factors here.
Basically he is a student that lives in a small European town. I live in NY. For him to leave his studies, his town, his language to a huge place like NYC is a huge step, which I understand, he is scared to make for someone he has spent only 1 month with. Not to mention the fact that hes broke. So logically I should ask myself why my expectations were so high. They werent really, than why am I sad? Because its not everyday that I feel so connected. I feel a loss.

So, my suggestion would be to really do some serious soul-searching (turning inward...) in to your childhood and get to grips with why you do something that doesn't seem to make any sense if, what you're saying, is true (you're a great person, you're funny, you're talented, you're smart, you're independent, you're true to yourself).

Point is, you gotta live it. No point waffling about it on a forum (not tying to be hard on you just giving you a push in the direction that actually gives you kick-start to make it real rather than just 'talk' about it).

So, there's some homework waiting for you, luv. You know where to start and you already have the answers, but you gotta be honest with yourself first. Completely straight - no more pep-talk. Just real. And bring it up to the 'light' of your conscious mind and awareness. What lies hidden in the dark needs to be brought up to the light of day so you can see why you're sabotaging yourself and you can truly start to change this. Poking around in the dark ain't gonna get you nowhere. Your whole thread is testament of this (because, let's be straight here; it's about bringing the right man into your life, the rest is just 'decoration').

It's not always pleasant but then again you gotta ask yourself: "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

Cut your losses, and get down to weeding out what doesn't help you. It's all there but you gotta work on yourself. There' no free ride to paradise, no matter what the LoA tells you. That's nonsense. The real work is inward. It's not just about putting it out there, hoping for the best but manifesting 'just so', 'luke-warm'...

I've said in another thread that I much rather prefer calling it the the Law of Resonance because you're always resonating (vibrating) at a specific frequency, emitting signals (like a radio-station), and whatever is stronger will manifest. So, in a nutshell, that's the answer to your issues with men. You're emitting mixed signals and it shows. You gotta fine-tune that frequency luv', and you'll be just fine. But you gotta work on that frequency, capice?

Dear seahorse Ive done so much soul searching for my 38 years.
NLP, EFT, Time techniques, Psychology, Byron Katie, Kabbabla, vipassana, etc etc.... all pretty thoroughly. And they were all very helpful in their own ways, but maybe not enough. you cannot spend your whole life trying to understand your childhood. Or maybe you can, but I dont know what this means anymore. Its abstract.

Im actually learning to accept my flaws. I've always been really hard on myself, and beat myself up, and hurt myself for not being perfect, but now I wanna learn to accept myself. Being needy doesnt mean Im worthless.
I feel like I spent years being so afraid of my own neediness so I kept my heart closed. I was heartbroken at 21 and cried so much in one year, that I hadnt cried again until I was 32. My biggest fear was to be vulnerable again, or express neediness.
But I am. My center now is stronger than it was at 21, but still I am needy. So is my happily married sister BTW.

And, for God's sakes - take your time. There's no rush, you know? You have all the time in the world to find the right man. But you gotta start with yourself first.

Yes, time. Im 38. I intend to have a family.