Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Yes, Im intense. Like many artists I know. And yes, I find it hard to say no when I like someone.
Some people cant hold themselves back when they see a chocolate cake, I cant hold my sef back when a man I like pulls me towards him.
We kissed after 6 "dates". Each date lasted between 15-6 hours. We took two road trips before we even touched, which he initiated.
So I dont know if thats too soon to kiss. The kissing felt right, but after that it got too intense. My fault yes.
Last time we were together in bed I told him I loved him repeatedly and that I wanna have babies with him.
Im very aware that thats what will drive a man away and puts me in a very vulnerable place.
I am self destructive, I know.
I do it because I want to push them away, because Im scared it wont work anyway. He repeatedly told me he wants to come to NY and got application forms, and it scared me, bc of many things.
I was afraid he wouldnt be serious so I wanted to push him off the idea and make sure he understands its all or nothing with me. which usually means "nothing" for them
And so after last time with those intense things I said, he changed his mind. No wonder.
The thing is when Im alone I love being with myself. For instance this morning I went to my favorite cafe, now Im going for a stroll on the beach with a friend.
This is why I attract so many men and so many girlfriends. Lots of people have told me that Im the funnest person they know.
I live a fun life and do only what I love. I have lots of friends for this reason. Always men are surprised when they see the change in me once Im hooked. Then I become needy and desperate, even if I take one day distance from them I return to my center, and that surprises them too. Always after a few days a part im cool again, and they chase me again, and I become close and desperate and intense very soon after.
Im really fine alone. Being with a man is what makes me lose it.
Do you think I should meet him again before I leave (he said he wanted to)...
I dont see the point.