Join Date: Aug 2007
Your ideal was wrong in the first place, that's why you felt petty and pathetic. The way society raises children in this day and age is by telling them that they are not right. Telling them that they aren't human yet, they have too much to learn, and maybe after they are educated and grown up with a nice place in the world they'll be people. The result is a crazy ideal we work towards... Many of us spend our entire lives never escaping from the thought that we aren't yet human. We aren't yet "normal" people. Well nobody is a normal person. Everybody is odd. Even the people that seem to be even. People don't realize because, as you know, it's impossible to know somebody. All we know is what we see of people. I bet you have never felt in your entire life that somebody knew you. I feel the same way.
You are tricking yourself. You have an image of what you think "being human" is in your mind. Cast off that image and look at the present moment. You are a conscious human right now, you always have been. Behaving in a different way will never make you any more or any less human. Being human is the easiest thing in the world for us to do. Please, let me know if you ever find a way not to be human, I'd like to try it out and see what it's like.
Hating everyone only fills your mind with hate. It causes suffering... Not only in other people, but mainly in you. Your life is completely dependent on the way you view the world. It is useless, you are wasting your time hating everybody. You have the gift of empathy. You can use your mind to cultivate compassion. The best thing for you to do is learn to have infinite love for everything and everyone. I don't mean forcing yourself to do it, I mean feeling it honestly.
It's good that you don't know who you are. If you thought you did, I would have to ask you a lot of questions and prove to you that you actually don't have a clue. The sense of self is an illusion, and I think you can see that. It is not solid, it has no outline, it is just something created by the mind. The root of your shame is without a doubt your self. You need to let go of it, all of it, especially the fabricated ideal self that you created. It is impossible to attain.
Practicing forgiveness is important. This can either be a repetitive act, or a one off thing. You need to forgive people who do you wrong, right? That's easy enough, all it takes is compassion and understanding. Understand that their personality was built by the world around them, understand that they are just another person like you working towards an ideal. Selfish, pitiful, deserving of love just as you are deserving of love. You can do that over and over again, or you can pull the weed out from the root. Get rid of your ego, let go of your false notion of self. Who is there to be offended? How can something that doesn't exist be wronged? You no longer need to do anything, for there are no transgressions left to forgive.
It also helps to realize the illusory nature of the selves of everyone else. Shatter your expectations, destroy your judgment of others. This is the source of the compassion that you need to lift your consciousness. You don't need to love anybody, you need to love and accept their nature. Love their true reality, their existence, rather than loving an illusion. This also saves you from suffering. We are hurt when people treat us badly because we are shallow and only love their false self, a self that we don't even know and that doesn't exist. Then when they act out of line with this image we have in our head, we get upset. Have compassion for their nature, and your love won't falter.
Of course you are afraid. You are on the brink of death. This is it, you are now in Hell. I've been there. I go there occasionally, although I try to stay away during the warm seasons. It's really no big deal. With death comes freedom. Kill yourself right now and I guarantee you won't regret it. It's hard, though; it's scary. To realize the true nature of yourself, and effectively die... You have lived with your personality for your whole life. Most people have a really hard time with this, but I think it might be easier for you. You seem like you don't really value yourself, you are just clinging to hollow arrogance. Cut your ties with your sense of self.
After the death of your illusion, things are just as they are. There's nothing to worry about anymore. It's a relief. You can finally relax, you have escaped from the game. From outside, it's so easy to see that it's all just a game. People get caught up in it and stuck, just like you have been. After you get out, you can play for fun. There will always be an underlying sense of security, of freedom, of contentment and relaxation. It's wonderful. Don't be afraid to lose everything, because this is the virtue of having nothing. Have nothing, not even the desire to want something. Wanting happiness implies that you lack it. Searching for higher consciousness implies that you need it. Just throw it all away, indulge in "nothing," and there it is... You have everything. People create problems and spend their lives trying to solve them. It's pointless, move away from your habit of doing that.
There is no reality for you to face. It's the game, just what somebody else told you was reality. You are you, you make your own reality. Live in your imagination, bring it to the forefront of your existence. You don't have to believe me, but I know it's possible. It's true freedom. I am not someone that's happy and loving all the time. I'm free to feel sad when I want to. When my girlfriend of four years cheated on me, I indulged in suffering, I visited hell for a while. It was what I felt like doing. I was simply exercising my freedom. When I was sick of it, I forgave her and moved on. Instead of me being forced to feel terrible, I was allowing it, and underlying my suffering was security and compassion. I call it freedom rather than control, because there is really nothing to control.
I think you are almost there. You are in the middle of the great doubt. You need to end it, but there is absolutely nothing you can do.
Don't be a fool. Don't start the cycle again. I know you might be tempted to take what I've said and turn it into another ideal "self" to try and become. Doing that would make your failure certain. Please don't create another illusion in your head to work towards. Everything I have told you cannot be attained. There is nothing you can do to end your suffering. People often forget that, and go off on another wild goose chase.
The cure to your ailment lies in getting rid of the self, not adding more to the list of things you want your self to be. Just let go, give up and the rest will come. It has to be a true surrender, giving up just for the sake of attainment of ideals won't work. You are already where you need to be. There is nothing more to gain. Just die, so you can be reborn and build your own reality.