I hear you. My parents were each married three times, my mom an alcoholic who eventually killed herself, and I've got no relationships with my immediate or extended family.
And at 12 years old, I remember thinking, "there's a reason for everything and I'm going to find that reason!" And I did, at age 44.
And like you, I've been tired of living. Either when life was confusing or when these hard heads around me can't seem to see how lost they are in their confusion and want to crucify me.
I hear you loud and clear.
As I read your message, I see your intelligence. That you can articulate it so well shows that you're a watcher of life.
You're thinking all the time about this, trying to crack this nut, right?
The problem is that your mind can't see the true problem. It's not your past, it's not your future that is the problem. The problem is the mind is given a job that it can't handle.
Think about anytime that you had clarity in your life...didn't it feel good? Maybe you were talking to an attractive lady that really made you melt. You forgot all about your troubles. Right there is the truth about happiness. When your mind is at rest, life is good. The hottie isn't the happiness, but is a trigger for your mind to rest, but the simple mind doesn't see this and logically thinks she is the secret, so off you go trying to possess her.
If the mind is thinking about happiness, it will never find it. We only think about what we don't know, what we are confused about. So know that whatever you think about happiness is only an idea and not true. And if you can see that you have a happy moment when that incessant mind is relaxed then the pursuit of happiness is realized to be the source of your misery. There's no relaxation in the pursuit.
When I found out how I was misusing my mind, I found my happiness. When I stopped comparing myself to any kind of standard, I stopped feeling disappointed in myself for not meeting it.
This is my personal story of "confusion to clarity" that resulted for the first time in my life total acceptance and love for self. I know longer have any need whatsoever for any kind of self image or self esteem. I see my gifts and my limits and I'm evolving my life to remain within my capabilities. I no longer pursue happiness because I am happy.
ADHD Self Help - A Story of Healing - Profound-Self-Help.com
I know from my journey that you're at your rock bottom. Your logic has failed you and you don't know that life is not logic and not logical. I'm glad that you don't have the "courage" to kill yourself because courage isn't needed for that. It's needed to face your fears and live! Dying is easy, living is hard!
Sincerely, this is a perfect place to be right now. You're open minded and seeking truth. Welcome to the club! There's a lot of people here that have already hit the pit and woke up to this life.
Please keep expressing yourself!