I can't really comment on the trauma thing.
I did pick up on a lot of guilt in your post; it almost seems like you think you deserve this despair and desolation in life because you made mistakes. Making mistakes can set us back in life, yes, but no one deserves to be punished/self-punished to the point where they no longer want to live. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going is clinging onto a state of mind that makes me truly happy in life unconditionally. I don't need to prove anything to anyone or to my self for the right to be happy or to be worth while.
I know that is easier said than done though. I was contemplating what it would take simply to choose to be happy as a state of being and there are mental barriers. I, for example, seem to think that I need to 'earn' the right to be happy; that if I choose happiness of a state of being without merit, it is some how 'wrong'. Is this actually true though? Or is it just a limiting belief?
Everyone has the potential to set their life back on track regardless of the mistakes they make in life. They just have to find and nurture the will. What I get from your post is not so much that you lack the means to set your life back on track, but rather, you lack the will. Perhaps because you and other people have been kicking your self-esteem around like a hurt little puppy all your life.
It sounds sort of trite to say, 'stop being so hard on your self', but I think it has some value. You are talking about death. Absolute nothingness (if you are an atheist). If someone is going to decide to kill them selves, I think they could try shedding all the complete BS they are told in life by society (i.e you are a loser, you are worthless, you'll never be good enough) and try giving them selves the permission to feel good unconditionally before that decision is made. Everyone else can go ♥♥♥♥ them selves for the time being. What is important right now is for you to kindle a desire to live.
Baby your self. Pamper your self. Forgive your self and love your self unconditionally.
Originally Posted by elucidate
Try not to be so hard on yourself. This could be a major factor to why your life has never really picked up?