thank you so much for your kind words. I wish there was an easy way to deal with this. At this point Im just trying to reach out to strangers. Everyone close to me is so affected by this situation. Its chaotic and I keep trying to hold it together and be their shoulder to cry on. Im just so completely devastated and hurt. Everything is just welling up and pouring out... anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, even the love I have for him is unbearable. He was my only brother, and I'm almost ten years his senior. I cant stop thinking about all the plans i had for our future. Seeing him graduate, buying him his first beer at a bar. Meeting his first real girlfriend. I wanted that, I still do... but he is gone forever. Im still so angry at him for leaving me, and our family. Just hearing that other people have shared similar experiences and made it thru is a ray of hope for me. I just cant figure out how to function right now. I'm trying to keep busy, but im just overwhelmed and haven't fully excepted the reality of him being gone. The world just feels different to me now, I want to feel like I can find happiness in it again. I know that I will always feel a huge loss in regards to him. I just dont want him being gone to define the rest of my life. Im so scared, and confused and alone right now. I cant keep my brain from reverting to delusions of wanting him back, or talking to him, or just waking up from a bad dream and finding everything is ok.