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votoshka · 12-13-2011, 12:40 AM

I certainly think your marriage needs help. If you didn't have a child together, I would actually suggest you think about leaving, but once there's a child in the picture it becomes a LOT more difficult to leave.

You really need to get to the core of this problem. Yes, you lied...but you didn't lie about cheating on her, or about being a serial killer, or about any REALLY BAD thing. You lied to her about your use of pornography and masturbation (obviously because she doesn't approve and you didn't want to upset her). I do see a difference between lying about something really important and something not so major

.

Now, you have to check in and confess each and every time you masturbate, which is really beyond a joke. I think masturbation is something private that the majority of people do, that SHOULDN'T need to be discussed with anyone else! In a healthy marriage your wife wouldn't care two hoots about you masturbating (especially as you haven't had sex in THREE YEARS, how on earth does she expect you to deal with your sexual needs and frustrations??!).

I understand a bit why she's more upset over the pornography (I don't necessarily think porn is evil... but I do understand why some women don't like their husbands to view it).

I think avoiding porn is one thing, but avoiding masturbation is another altogether!

I would suggest you go back to counselling, and I would suggest you stand firm on the issue of masturbation. It is not evil, it is not a sin, and it's pretty much the only way short of having sex with another woman, that you're going to get any sexual pleasure or release!

It is more worrying that after all this time she can't forgive you or trust you. I understand that trust needs to be earned, but as I said earlier, it's not as if you did anything really bad! You did what 99% of the male population do at some time or other (okay I made up that statistic

but I'd be extremely surprised if the percentage was much lower). I would understand her perspective more if you'd actually had an affair with another woman!

For your marriage to work, both of you have to want to make it work. At the moment it seems like she's calling the shots and you're miserable.

12-13-2011, 12:40 AM	#12 (permalink)
votoshka Family Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Australia Posts: 2,547	I certainly think your marriage needs help. If you didn't have a child together, I would actually suggest you think about leaving, but once there's a child in the picture it becomes a LOT more difficult to leave. You really need to get to the core of this problem. Yes, you lied...but you didn't lie about cheating on her, or about being a serial killer, or about any REALLY BAD thing. You lied to her about your use of pornography and masturbation (obviously because she doesn't approve and you didn't want to upset her). I do see a difference between lying about something really important and something not so major . Now, you have to check in and confess each and every time you masturbate, which is really beyond a joke. I think masturbation is something private that the majority of people do, that SHOULDN'T need to be discussed with anyone else! In a healthy marriage your wife wouldn't care two hoots about you masturbating (especially as you haven't had sex in THREE YEARS, how on earth does she expect you to deal with your sexual needs and frustrations??!). I understand a bit why she's more upset over the pornography (I don't necessarily think porn is evil... but I do understand why some women don't like their husbands to view it). I think avoiding porn is one thing, but avoiding masturbation is another altogether! I would suggest you go back to counselling, and I would suggest you stand firm on the issue of masturbation. It is not evil, it is not a sin, and it's pretty much the only way short of having sex with another woman, that you're going to get any sexual pleasure or release! It is more worrying that after all this time she can't forgive you or trust you. I understand that trust needs to be earned, but as I said earlier, it's not as if you did anything really bad! You did what 99% of the male population do at some time or other (okay I made up that statistic but I'd be extremely surprised if the percentage was much lower). I would understand her perspective more if you'd actually had an affair with another woman! For your marriage to work, both of you have to want to make it work. At the moment it seems like she's calling the shots and you're miserable.