Originally Posted by WantingTruth
I think the issue to her might be I lied to her. Now she can't trust me and she doesn't feel safe enough to have sex with me. I am scared that she will never let go of my past sins and forgive me and trust me again.
Love rules....if the love between you two is deep enough, pure enough, then her issues and your issues will find resolution. It will be worth it, but it won't be pretty.
If the love isn't deep enough, then these challenges become a wake up call to what really exists between you. You'll have a power struggle with no winners and two losers. Love can't exist in a competition. It exists in surrender. A true surrender isn't a choice but the byproduct in this case of a deep harmony that makes you inseparable. If it's not deep enough by nature, then you are separable and these unreconcilable differences (because one or both people are not open minded) become the wedge that forces you apart.
When there's judgment instead of compassion know that there is a closed mind due to a lifestyle of beliefs instead of an exploration of life. You already have lived this as you said that you see that all organized religions are missing the point. And the point is that belief systems are in fact human will, not God's Will. They are unnatural. They are an idea that doesn't hold water and requires repetition to take hold of your mind because your true nature rejects them.
How can God's Will be anything other that people simply being themselves?
It's when we can't be ourselves that we have a problem. It leads to a confused mind that can't figure out what's wrong. The theology makes sense but life doesn't seem to fit with it. In that tension of not knowing what's really wrong, we seek relief. We find ways to get the mind to take a break. When we can escape this mental confusion, it feels good!
Who is ever happy confused? No one! Who is happy when there's a clear vision of life? Everyone!
(No judgment here...just observation...ok?
Drugs, alcohol, porn, misused sex, dreams, religions, hopes, entertainment, etc...., all are artificial ways to trick the mind into resting, providing relief.
Porn and mastubation give you the double bonus of not only relief from your stress but also relief from your instinctual God-given sex drive that is there to keep the human species in business for another generation. So you get to kill two birds with one stone. It's free and is physically not hurtful. You're getting a natural release as far as your body is concerned but not healthy for your mind. In fact, it's an unhealthy confused mind that drives this need to get relief. Better to do it that way than through drugs as drugs hurt the body and the finances, e.g.
You don't want your wife to give you sex if she's not enjoying it. It isn't loving to ask her to be in pain for your pleasure. But the sex instinct is unyielding. It's a push to have sex not a consciousness seeing the pain in her.
You don't have a choice to be celebate. To choose to not masturbate is repression which creates obsession. You are a sexual being so that won't work.
The real celebacy is when you figure out that sex isn't happiness and that we only need these escapes because of the tension of not being able to be our true selves and because we don't recognize who our true selves are. So someone that realizes self, that realizes the innate joy of being alive no longer needs sex for the escape. He still enjoys sex that arises out of love as it's a fulfillment of a joint physical need, but no longer is it driven from a tense mind that needs pornographic experiences to get the narcotic relief.
When the true self is seen, it's impossible not to love and accept yourself. The divine being that you are and the miracle of the human body and mind are awe inspiring!
What's ugly is what we do to escape the tension of not knowing self. The addictions, the ego gratifications, the objectifying of women's bodies, possessiveness, and so on. All these drop in an instant when we realize what we are and that we've wasted our lives trying to become something we can never be.
On top of this confusion are the dogmas we blindly inject into our minds, only increasing our confusion and need to escape. When these dogmas become habitual thinking, the mind becomes an enemy to growth. Whatever is said or seen that is counter to the habitual thinking will be rejected. This is exactly what perpetuates organized religions from generation to generation. These theologies are indoctrinated into the children before they know what is happening to their minds and they carry this closed mindedness to there graves. Very few of us escape their grasp.
I'm suspecting your wife is stuck in a dogma driven closedmindedness and it seems as though you escaped. So you may have two challenges....depth of the true natural harmony and someone unaware of her mental trap.
You can't make her happy no more than she can make you happy. If you're ready to grow but she isn't, you can't do much about that and you can't decide not to "see" when you see. You won't be happy keeping the peace nor trying to push her. All you can truly do is keep growing and let allow life to take it's natural course.