imho a relationship in which one person acts as if they are superior to the other, or puts themself into a role of an authority figure, requiring the other to 'answer to them', gain their approval, check in with a report on behavior, etc .... is more like a parent and a child, than a relating of two adult individuals. when this dynamic is present, the two people are not on equal footing in the first place. for me, this would be the very first thing i would want to rectify.
If you continue to permit her to 'shame' you, and allow her to have authority over you, the relationship will never be balanced and healthy. i would never be able to have sexual intimacy - or any other kind for that matter - with someone who interacts with me as if i'm a bad child that has to "obey" them. that keeps you in a "one down" position, with her holding all cards and calling all shots, with you having to beg for every crumb, and "be a good boy" so you might get some. FEH!
i can't offer any specific 'action' you could take to address this, but emotionally speaking, just standing up for yourself (in whatever form that may take for you), could go a long way to bringing balance back into the relationship. if at the most basic level, you could manage to return to relating to one another like adults of equal value, you can begin to work on the rest.
i also agree with others who commented she is also accountable, and is avoiding responsibility. it seems as though she is 'blaming, shaming, judging', and making you 'totally' wrong for everything... assuming no responsibility for what she has also brought to this party. but BOTH of you created this situation, and it requires both people's accountability, action, and willingness to share in doing whatever it takes to move beyond it, so you can have a healthy intimate relationship - and that requires respect, accountability, fairness, and an honest good-faith comittment from each person towards the other.
please at the very least take a stand for yourself. if i was in your position, i'd advise my partner i'm declining their request/demand that i 'check in'; that I'm happy to share with them, or give a 'heads up' when I'm motivated to, and they're free to either accept/believe that what i tell them is the truth, or they don't have to - that's on them. But i would flat out refuse to agree to put myself in that position.
i wish you the best....
Last edited by AllTogetherNow; 12-13-2011 at 01:20 AM.