@ZephyrusX: Thanks for the interesting read. I am not quite sure wether I really got a scanner personality or I just want to be successful too desperately to proof that I can still by myself, but it's an interesting model.
@GreekDog: I don't really think that I got a clinical depression in a traditional sense. I, however, got ADHD and perhaps should be treating that medically if I can't handle myself, but so far I've been able to do what I want without Ritaline and try to keep it that way.
A few years ago, I used to perform much better, was much more energetic and achieved things easily. I got straight As at class, stuided two majors at once, worked efficiently, could lead people easily and never worried. Then I gave that up, became lazy, went to parties often and so on because I felt life was too easy (thus boring). More over, I moved to China, learnt Chinese but gradually also picked up the fear of not succeeding there, of which I never got rid since (which is totally irrational in my current situation).
What's bothering me the most is that I used to do much better than I am doing now previously and I just can't get myself in the state of mind that allowed me that performance anymore - and the harder I try, the harder I fail. I've kinda lost my self-confidence and need to regain it in order to dare to succeed. Or I perhaps I need to totally f**k up, beat myself up a few month and start over (which is the way Steve solved that situation when he was stuck in it - and the way I managed to get into that flow the first time before I lost it). However, I'm not that into shop lifting and would prefer to finish my master degree without being kicked out and start all over