First, before anything else, realize that he is not your property, that you are not his superior. Nor are you his property.
You two are simply two people relating. A deep natural harmony is the true marriage, not the stuff at the altar. Vows don't mean anything unless that deep harmony is there and if it is, vows are not needed.
The whole facade of marriage is an illusion and that illusion makes you feel like you have "rights" and those rights in effect turn him into your property. THAT alone is a love killer.
If there is an affair, it also is just two people relating. And it is a symptom not the problem. The problem is in you two, not him. Something is missing between you two and its by nature. Something out of your control.
If you try to possess him, to control him, to make him feel bad, you will be making your life worse. The best you can do is to let go and to allow freedom.....I am sure thats enough to make you gasp, but in that freedom you will be able to explore with him what is missing if he sees your mind is open to learning about what is working and not in your relating with him.
FREEDOM IS THE ONLY PATH TO INTIMACY.
If you want the max intimacy AVAILABLE with him then he must be totally free to live according to his heart. And he may be involved is a stupid fling and realize that he was just infatuated or he may have stumbled by chance onto a true love.
If its a true love, there's no stopping it nor should you. If the two of you aren't the true match, then how can you love him and trap him in a relationship that his heart is not in. True love for him would set him free.
Your true happiness won't come from his obedience to you. It will come from you being able to be happy alone. In that aloneness everyone around you is free to be themselves. When you are a free individual and you relate to another free individual that you are mutally and deeply attracted to, then and only then will you have a true marriage. You won't be separable.
Let go and intimacy will follow. Find out what's real. Do not, do not, do not become a spy, a dictator, possessive, or jealous. Possessiveness and jealousy are your deal. Make them his deal and you will never have his love at any level. His life will be hell and he won't ever love the one trying to control him.
This is a hard situation because the normal reflex is the absolutely wrong one. Clamp down and you will make him need to escape more than he is. This is your time to grow, not your time to control.
Last edited by RonSouther; 12-07-2011 at 03:18 PM.