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Originally Posted by moonrambler  You see, it is a pattern of nearly my entire adult life, and I really, really want to make a new pattern. |
I believe that you DO want to form a new pattern. Sometimes its difficult to know where to start. Sometimes, we flounder for a while. Sometimes, it all seems too unfair and one-sided. Sometimes, it seems all the energy left to muster is just enough to languish in one's own man-made mud pool. Sometimes, its too hard to see the forest for the trees because we're too emotionally charged and consumed by it all. And sometimes, we find whining about it all and creating a circle of sympathetic ears is enough to chug us through without having to muster any more energy to move us beyond our own demise.
I'm not saying you are any of these. Im simply stating facts of life and the traumas we invest in. Most of us have been there in one way or another. Those that have, and have found a way out, are usually the ones to step forward quickly to support and advise.
Some carry their burdens on the quiet, until the load is too heavy to carry anymore. Some step up to the challenge and fight their way through to a better way. Some just give up and have no incentive or drive to want to help themselves...relying on the stronger ones to carry them. Some are so steep into their pity-pots that nothing can shake them free of it.
Perhaps this thread is your way of voicing your thoughts out loud to work your way through it all...not a bad thing! But this is the way I see it....
Sometimes we are so stuck in our own self-pity that there's no room left to notice that around every corner there are 200 times more people worse off then ourselves. The focus is bent on self, and for good reason! If one cannot take care of oneself, then no one else is going to do that for them. People will earnestly step forward and give everything they have towards help & support for that person they deem in need, but in the long-run, unless they are rewarded by their efforts in seeing improvements, they will eventually throw their hands in the air and give up and see it all as a lost cause.
I know this! Im speaking from down-to-earth experience. No loa...no BS..nothing but fact in a reality we are bound to live by. I have a parent who refuses to grow-up and step up to the responsibility plate of being a mother and mentor to her children. Shes 80 now and all hope of this happening is false and will only lead to disappointment. In her whole life she has never been able to see or want to accept the position that was rightfully hers. Its led the family to bitterness, frustration, disappointment and devastation. All because she was unwilling to acknowledge her weaknesses...to brave moving beyond fear to find there was nothing to fear in the first place...to find enough love within her to want to go beyond her self-indulgent world...to fight and sacrifice for the children she bore...to be that person her children needed to look up to, learn from, and teach to their own children (her grandchildren..which also, she does not acknowledge).
To be honest....i see parts of you in her and it is from the depths of me that I pray telling you this will in some way, help you to step up to that plate you speak of and take up its challenge. Not for me. Not for anyone. Only for yourself, because in the end, it is only you that suffers along with those close enough to care about you no matter what.
I pray that in some way, something ive said here will spur you on to the responsibility that is yours alone and that something ive said, will shift you from the cocoon youve woven tightly around yourself to inhibit your desire to action the wishes to stop the bs and get on with it.
In no way have i said any of this to make you feel bad or guilty. Ive said it all in 'love' and in the hope that it will make a positive change in your world. Bless.