| | Day 4
More deeply submerged pain emerges.
The pain is so disgusting.
The loneliness and aloneness, overwhelming.
See the lengthy repetition of rejection and setup, over and over. The pleasure taken in my failure and rejection.
I have lost my vision of the way out so I hold to the image of the light with the belief that it is hidden behind the cloud of rejection and pain.
Hypothyroidism is symptomatically getting much worse. It must be th adrenal drain on it all. The fatigue is cutting into my healing visions. The loneliness is the worst of all.
(I must not be surprised that some days get worse. It is not a purely uphill climb out, there are dips along the way and in these dips I find somethings that will help me on my journey home to healing.)
Today I am not able to tap into that remarkable feeling of the healing light. I do believe that my low functioning thyroid is negatively affecting my brain. I will do something about that now. But I also have decided to keep my focus on the light. yesterday I found that I was working at a 1:1 exchange. In other words I received about an hours relief for each hour of attention on the image of receiving the light. I had an insight that that ration would increase dramatically as my practice increased.
The holiday time is difficult for me. It brings up old expectations and beliefs that lurk below my awareness and can do some nasty things. The issue of rejection and isolation touches much. It connects to the concept of not having enough resources of being left to fend for myself. This comes from my life-experience but when I have switched my brain MY reality will no longer by ruled by that. It is false and the feelings that go with it are impulses that repeat the brain pattern so naming them false and replacing them with the healing light is one way to rewire. The habit is keen, focus on the habit rather than the feeling. Trust and repeat.
I was ordering some thyroid medicine and got this incredible sense that when I get it I will be ok. Then like a switch I felt ok. This has toggled off and on. But it is the on that I concentrate on.
I see that I have a fear of the off. But yesterday the focus on the light kept the switch on. As I am leaving the computer and going about daily chores (a great fear enducer - drums of trauma triggers of being belittled and humiliated - I see that my FEAR of the triggers and failure is driving this boat. I will focus on the switch - of what it feels like when I am cured. Then I can simply step into the cure.
It was a good day. I was able to switch back to what it would be like if rather than being caught in the fear or anxiety or dread. That is the legacy of having lived a childhood of infinite small traumas. I am so thankful to have found a method to repair the automatic neural reactions to patterned impulses. 77 days to a functioning brain. 64 days in to the first process and 4 into the second. Order is approaching. I can see it and feel it. It comes from release rather than determination. Determination is a millstone around my neck.
Last edited by Greek Dog; 12-05-2011 at 02:52 AM.