I have a bad habit about running threads that only I post to but then again I find this posting to be extremely therapeutic. It allows me to get it out and it makes the pain more concrete and less amorphous.
Today is an extremely painful day as I take the top off of the box and let stuffed, repressed stuff emerge. I expose my physical pain to the healing light and believe that through this process I am changing neurons and the response that I have had life-long.
As a young adult/college student, I remember that I experienced this pain and would hear myself repeat the phrases, "I hate you" and "commit suicide" (the latter not as a command but as a release/relief. As these phrases came out I would feel my head banging against an imaginary wall. There is so much about this that I understand now that I could write many chapters on it but today I want to acknowledge how the pain would come to the surface and what I did with it. The pain was so intolerable that it either shut me down or I repressed it in order to function. The way I repressed it was sort of like pressing the accelerator on a car when the wheel is stuck in mud. It doesn't get me out, it makes it worse. I think that externally it made me come across like a bull in a china shop, which resulted in getting more rejection exacerbating what I had already experienced. And the pain grew and was repressed and created more and the cycled repeated and repeated and repeated until the yuck seeped out of the seams, no longer repressible and the pain growing and the functioning decreasing.
Today, I open the box and expose it to the healing light. i commit to doing this for 77 days. That is the period of time that Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz says it takes for the brain to rewire. He has demonstrated this with the use of fMRIs.
That knowledge helps me enormously as otherwise it would be an indefinite period with no end and I would not be able to stick to it. I am discovering that projects that take place over an extended period of time are difficult because the anxiety ratchets up as the time increases. Today I got some insight into how and why that happens. This healing light process will help with that.
I have to remind myself that the first few weeks are very slow. Then there will be a great week and I will feel as though I am in the clearing only to get knocked hard again with another week or two of slow going - where the repressed felling of excruciating pain need constant attention to alleviate.
It is a scary process. The fear of failure and worthlessness are powerfully present. They are some of what is being presented for healing. Being present to them is necessary but wretched. I believe that I will have the stamina and ability to keep the box opened and focus and refocus the healing light.