here is some nasty stuff that has been coming up.
As child I longed to be with my father.
On a level not of this earth here is the exchange that took place between us.
"I long to be with you."
"then you must take on all of my self-loathing and hatred and rage."
"Whatever it takes."
"you will be my servant and be kicked around."
"I can do that."
And I did and meditation is revealing that I have been stuck in that place. I am seeking healing and release from this servile, self-desecrating role.
I know no other way to do this other than through meditation and in seeking healing from others. Perhaps some yoga and or tai chi, qi gong.