| | Week 8 Day 7
I took my mother and child out of town for the holiday. We left on Wednesday and headed for the mountains. It has been a nice break in a number of ways.
I was able to leave many of my worries behind. However, I have two primary issues that have been needing work while here. My mind has been obsessing about a couple of dark issues - rejections that hurt my heart. The rejections that keep popping into my mind are recent events but I suspect and have for some weeks that the real issue at hand is the deep seated rejections that I experienced from my family of origin. The pain is indescribable except that it has been repressed to some degree my entire life. That repression has been necessary in order to survive at some point but now I am ready and willing to allow it to surface and come for healing.
Another issue is also a big one, one that has put a severe crimp in my entire adult life particularly for the past 10 years (but truly even longer.) This issue is one of several tags: procrastination, avoidance, delay, shut down and paralysis. This category of tags grew out of a chronic, repetitive shaming and betrayal that began early in my life. I have been attentively focused on shifting out of this state for the past 8 weeks. Today I have one task that I must perform but which I find myself tending towards putting it off and letting it resolve itself passively. That is the very pattern that needs interrupting.
In fact, both of these patterns need interrupting: obsessing about rejections and stepping into passive,avoidance patterns rather than active solutions.
I can do this work with Christ' help.
What does it feel like? It feels powerful and greatly confident.