[ProjectX]

Help me guys. I've been going through some emotional turmoil lately. Right now I'm 20 years old and it feels like my life is just crap.
I feel a lot of regret about the teenage years. I feel like i wasted it away and i was deprived of my childhood. In brief my life was basically hell, I've come from a broken home. My dad was constantly putting me down, trying to force to excel in the academics. He was also an alcoholic and my parents got divorced. I lived in an area where there weren't much kids so I was always a loner. So I didn't have much of a social life.
Soon I was hit with depression. I escaped my reality through video games. I had no ambition and goals. I just lived life unconsciously. Everyday was a chore to me and I dreaded waking up. Sleep was my haven, it was the only time i didn't feel pain.
However I yearned for companionship. Unfortunately I found it through the wrong people. I was introduced to marijuana and then to harder drugs. I did heroin and cocaine and ecstasy. My life then just went down from then on. My grades suffered, it was bad enough being hit by depression but after 16 everything was wrong. My relationship with my family was merely a formality at best. We never talked about personal things only about everyday chores. I didn't want or knew how to communicate my problems. Our family was constantly in financial problems and the anxiety of money always loomed in the back of head for many years. My friends were always backstabbing me. I was their play thing. Making fun of me whenever I was at my weakest point. I constantly had anxiety attacks and I suffered from sleep apnea greatly impairing my lifestyle. I lost my appetite for food and I believe that was one reason why my growth was stunted. After highschool, I did nothing for almost two years. I just stayed in home being depressed. I became angry and frustrated. I blamed everyone for my problems. I hated my parents, my friends, my school and I hated God for causing this misery upon me. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to cause the world pain as it has done to me.

I was fortunate however, my aunt was willing to financially support me and help me go to community college and here I am. At the same time I watched "The Secret" and I got into the whole personal development thing. I bought books by dale carnegie, napolean hill and the 7 habits. But I've been procrastinating a lot (its been a habit I acquired since I was a young teenager). Here I am now. My first year of school and I'm on probation with something like below 2.0GPA. My health is not up to par and I have little to no friends. More like acquaintances.
However I'm starting to take responsibility for my life. The past few months I have gone through some deep self-reflection. I'm in the process of living consciously. I'm starting to see myself from a third person perspective though it is still in the infant stages. Looking back on all those years, I'm surprised I haven't killed myself. Still the negative thoughts loom in my head. I see other people living their lives and I become envious of them. They seem so happy whilst my life was hell. I see children playing and I wonder why I never had that childhood or the health. I see people in relationships and I become jealous cause I never had a girlfriend. I haven't experience real joy in years. I don't remember the last time I truly laughed or was at peace of mind. Sometimes I feel like my life has been wasted and its too late to retake it and I pray to God if he does exist to kill me so I don't have to live like this.
I look back to my younger years and only wished I knew the things I know now. Why didn't I take a more proactive approach to life? Why didn't I do better in school? And then I feel guilty.
Even now I contemplate suicide. But I don't want to bring grief to my family. My aunt sacrificed alot to bring me to where I am now and killing myself would be like slapping her in the face. It feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't escape. I have more solid goals now and the determination , though it wavers. Sometimes they seem overwhelming and unachievable that I go into depression and my motivation collapses. I have a set plan to where I want to be in 2 years. But sometimes I say if life doesn't improve by then I'm just going to end my life. I have thoughts that only if circumstances were different, if only i was born elsewhere. The grass always looks greener on the other side. I'm sick of feeling jealous and regret. What can I do? I'm sorry the ridiculously long post. I have no one to talk to and this is the only place I can really say anything. I still have hope, but it keeps going and coming and going and coming...