Its been an interesting week. I didnt feel too well, probably due to last weekend's emotional rollercoaster. Felt pretty weak, ill, vulnerable.
But still, I did something nice for myself everyday.
Also made some progress with my projects. The reason for me being here. Got emails from 3 different continents of people telling me how they appreciate my work they purchased, sometimes years ago, so that was nice to hear.
Also made a list of all the qualities I want to
be in a relationship, like honest, communicative, independent, warm etc... and after that all the qualities I want in a mate.
I started practicing on the guy I live with here, my roomate, even though I have no romantic connection with him (nor do I want one!) But Im using him as my relationship surrogate
bc I havent lived with anyone in years. Anyway, towards the end of the week for the first time since I met him, he did something that really hurt my feelings. I felt betrayed and rejected.
My first reaction was wanting to leave, move, never talk to him again, but I cant really do that here. Or just be as cold as ice and hope he got the message, but also i wasnt sure if I was just creating a big drama. and maybe I should just swallow the pain, telling myself my expectations are unrealistic, and just continue being "nice".
I asked myself what would be the mature thing to do? How could I do it different then how I usually react?
So in the morning he was all nice, and i simply sat down and said "you know, when you do xyz it makes me feel like this...." He actually really apologized. Said he wont do it again and said he understands what Im saying.
And then when we were done, I just got up and said ok. see you later, and left to do some errands outdoors. I sat in a cafe and noticed that the pain I had been feeling was gone. I was happy again. Because yes, maybe I do get hurt easily, but part of loving myself is respecting my own feelings and letting them be expressed. Not in a blaming way, but just state the facts "when you did that I felt hurt".
I must say this is a totally new thing for me.
Later in the day I found a professional masseur and received an incredible massage! An hour long. In America it may have even been considered erotic, (even though he didnt touch anything
), but here they have a less fearful approach to the body... Anyway I enjoyed it and it was a huge dose of love I gave myself.
So it feels like love is getting closer. Its already here.
, but the love partner reality feel closer too.
Also I thought last night "wouldnt it be nice to have a girl friend here. Just a girl i can trust and hang out with. It seemed almost impossible in the small foreign town. But a voice said "you can manifest anything", and I thought, yeah, but thats almost impossible...
Anyway today I listened to my messages which I didnt do all week bc I know about 5 people here, and there was a girl I briefly met one night here and gave her my card saying she has a friend with a car and wants to show me around the town, I called her back today and we made a date! Shes a divorced mom artist, and seems like she wants a friend too.
So that was cool too.
Its quite an interesting process like the quietness and the oddness of this town is introducing me to all the things i need to work on.