Winyourmind, thank you for your kind and understanding reply.
Don't worry, I'm not technically suicidal right now. I've been 20 years like that, to lesser and greater extents, but I haven't done it.
I said it was too late, because I don't know if I have the will anymore to do what at this point would be required. We'll see. I don't care too much anymore one way or the other.
I'm better off than lots of people in some way, especially among those who are suicidal, for what that's worth.
20 years, because, as I said, I don't know how. Many times I have thought I don't know how to live in this world. I mean it literally. And I only found that out when I left the family at age 20. And no one to teach me how to survive here--no one to teach me how to "drive." I tried by myself all that I possibly knew to try. (Shrinks didn't help a bit.) And I'm still trying, to the extent that my will (referred to above) goes. As you sustain injury upon injury from all the repeated crashes, your will to live and make efforts wanes accordingly.
Don't worry, though, I'm ok at the moment
. Although I feel like I found this site and LoA way too late, it has helped a lot. Time will tell what happens.
For the record, in my first post, I also speak for other people with similar life experiences, and worse, and who I don't think would make it to this website.