 You can learn to drive
Bitsy - thank you for having the courage to come here and share so openly.
I understand exactly how you feel. I have struggled with depression my entire life, fantasized about and attempted suicide, and physically hurt myself. I have dealt with the self-loathing, the apathy, and the anxiety. I have woken up mornings terrified to face myself and the world, barely able to function and wondering why I even bothered.
I can tell you unequivocally - IT IS NOT TOO LATE. First, don't be afraid to try medication. After a lifetime of drowning in emotional overload, it is no shame to need a little help getting started. If you are seriously considering harming yourself, please talk to someone. I guarantee the feeling will pass and you won't regret sticking around. Second, it takes time -probably years - to move beyond the emotional and mental ruts that have been created by the depression you struggled with. You will have to persevere through more dark days as you train your mind and emotions in a new way of being. This kind of growth comes in stages.
I wish I could tell you that there was some "Easy Button" to push, but there isn't. I can only offer you my own story as hope. I have survived, and am in the midst of my own recovery. Life is incredible and filled with joy and opportunity. Trust me; if you keep pushing forward, you will find the life, love and joy you are looking for.  |