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DaleCall · 08-14-2007, 04:11 AM

I'm having some relationship issues. More precisely, I'm having some issues with the way I am in a relationship. This is a two-part question :

I'm 26 and have been single for a long time. Whether by choice or not is debatable - on one hand, some girls were definitely interested in me but I always found very hard to meet women that interested me; on the other hand, I've recently cured myself of social anxiety so I don't meet that many women either.

Anyway, two months ago I met this girl through a common friend. I liked her, and amazingly enough, she liked me back. We've been "dating" since our second date (a month and a half ago) and things progressed quickly - I met her family, she met mine, we spend a lot of time together (4 or 5 hours almost every day), and we never had any significant problems.

In spanish we have different words for the "I love you" you may say to an especially dear friend or to your parents ("te quiero") and an "I love you" you only say to your girlfriend/wife/whatever ("te amo"). We say the first one to each other (it's also quite common in the early stages of a relationship) and I know she means it. I have a lot of "proof" that she does, but the problem is sometimes I don't feel it.

I feel it when we cuddle, I feel it when we kiss each other, I feel it when she rests in my arms and we watch a movie. But when as soon as the physical closeness ends, I start having doubts. "Am I boring? Does she like me?" - I guess I've eliminated most of my social phobia but I'm suffering the last pieces of it. I once told her I felt she was distant sometimes, to which she replied we can't cuddle all the time - and I know she's right, for some reason I have an extreme need of being kissed and hugged, and kiss and hug her all the time.

I'm quite sure I'm the wrong one here and I think I know why - my insecurities and social phobia remnants make me interpret every little ambiguity as a clear sign that she doesn't like me. Besides I consider her a very high value girl - smart, fun, beautiful, successful (objectively I'm probably higher value, but I don't feel that way), I feel fortunate to be with her, and maybe I also fear losing her.

I don't want to be this way, for several reasons. First, I'm not enjoying this fantastic relationship as I should if I wasn't so insecure. Second, behaving like an idiot afraid of losing her may get me closer to losing her. So any advice?

---

The second part of the question is more generic. I love her (first kind of "love") but I'm not in love with her (second kind). We've been together for a month and a half so my first reaction is to think "it's too soon" - but does that have anything to do with it? Are you supposed to "love" a person immediately, or do you eventually develop this kind of love? Is romantic love just a fantasy?

I realize she's not perfect. That's an extremely obvious thing to say, but for some reason it kind of disappoints me - I'm afraid I do believe there's a perfect woman somewhere. I can't live like that - I have to accept people have their defects. The question is, where do you draw the line between "she's not perfect but's she's great enough" and "this isn't working"? How much imperfection do you tolerate?

---

I know all of this may be a consequence of me thinking too much about feelings. I do tend to think too much about practically everything - I'm just too rational and trying to overcome that.

Sorry for the long post. Any advice about any of my questions would be extremely welcome...

08-14-2007, 04:11 AM	#1 (permalink)
DaleCall Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 13	Confusion, insecurity, and romantic love I'm having some relationship issues. More precisely, I'm having some issues with the way I am in a relationship. This is a two-part question : I'm 26 and have been single for a long time. Whether by choice or not is debatable - on one hand, some girls were definitely interested in me but I always found very hard to meet women that interested me; on the other hand, I've recently cured myself of social anxiety so I don't meet that many women either. Anyway, two months ago I met this girl through a common friend. I liked her, and amazingly enough, she liked me back. We've been "dating" since our second date (a month and a half ago) and things progressed quickly - I met her family, she met mine, we spend a lot of time together (4 or 5 hours almost every day), and we never had any significant problems. In spanish we have different words for the "I love you" you may say to an especially dear friend or to your parents ("te quiero") and an "I love you" you only say to your girlfriend/wife/whatever ("te amo"). We say the first one to each other (it's also quite common in the early stages of a relationship) and I know she means it. I have a lot of "proof" that she does, but the problem is sometimes I don't feel it. I feel it when we cuddle, I feel it when we kiss each other, I feel it when she rests in my arms and we watch a movie. But when as soon as the physical closeness ends, I start having doubts. "Am I boring? Does she like me?" - I guess I've eliminated most of my social phobia but I'm suffering the last pieces of it. I once told her I felt she was distant sometimes, to which she replied we can't cuddle all the time - and I know she's right, for some reason I have an extreme need of being kissed and hugged, and kiss and hug her all the time. I'm quite sure I'm the wrong one here and I think I know why - my insecurities and social phobia remnants make me interpret every little ambiguity as a clear sign that she doesn't like me. Besides I consider her a very high value girl - smart, fun, beautiful, successful (objectively I'm probably higher value, but I don't feel that way), I feel fortunate to be with her, and maybe I also fear losing her. I don't want to be this way, for several reasons. First, I'm not enjoying this fantastic relationship as I should if I wasn't so insecure. Second, behaving like an idiot afraid of losing her may get me closer to losing her. So any advice? --- The second part of the question is more generic. I love her (first kind of "love") but I'm not in love with her (second kind). We've been together for a month and a half so my first reaction is to think "it's too soon" - but does that have anything to do with it? Are you supposed to "love" a person immediately, or do you eventually develop this kind of love? Is romantic love just a fantasy? I realize she's not perfect. That's an extremely obvious thing to say, but for some reason it kind of disappoints me - I'm afraid I do believe there's a perfect woman somewhere. I can't live like that - I have to accept people have their defects. The question is, where do you draw the line between "she's not perfect but's she's great enough" and "this isn't working"? How much imperfection do you tolerate? --- I know all of this may be a consequence of me thinking too much about feelings. I do tend to think too much about practically everything - I'm just too rational and trying to overcome that. Sorry for the long post. Any advice about any of my questions would be extremely welcome...