Then I suggested, “Let’s be jealous of each other for one day. We’ll try it out to see what it’s like. It could be fun!”

Erin laughed.

Neither of us had a clue as to how we’d actually pull this off.

I can’t recall a single instance of a jealous reaction from either of us throughout our entire relationship. It just never arises.

Consequently, Erin and I know from experience that it’s entirely possible to enjoy a loving relationship with zero jealousy… at least during the first 15 years together.

Can anyone teach us how to become jealous of each other? What are the steps? What do you have to think, say, or do in order to whip yourself into a jealous frenzy?

If Erin and I wanted to implement our one-day jealousy trial, how would we do that?

Temba, his arms wide.

(If you aren’t a Trekkie, just ignore that last line. Then go on about your sad existence.)

Perhaps if you can walk me through how you become jealous, it will raise your awareness of how you’re doing it to yourself.

How would this play out if one of us actually did become jealous? I guess our conversation would go something like this. Take note that we’ve never done this, so I’m just making this up as we go along.

Steve: Dammit, Erin. I’m jealous! You need to stop doing X, Y, and Z, so I can feel better.

Erin: Awww… are you feeling unloved?

Steve: Well, yes — and it’s all your fault!

Erin: What’s making you feel unloved, darling?

Steve: I feel unloved when you do X, Y, and Z. It makes me think you don’t care about me.

Erin: That’s so sweet to know that you care about our relationship. I really care about you too.

Steve: Ok, that’s nice, but I still need you to stop doing X, Y, and Z. It bothers me.

Erin: What about it bothers you?

Steve: I’m worried that you’ll leave me, and then I’ll be all alone.

Erin: So you worry that if we broke up, you’d feel unloved. And so you see my actions as a threat to your being able to feel loved and connected.

Steve: Yeah, pretty much.

Erin: So you’re looking to me to receive conditional love. In order for you to feel loved, I have to meet your conditions.

Steve: Yes, that sounds about right.

Erin: So even when those conditions are met, you’ll still be a bit worried because if something happens, it could mean a loss of love for you.

Steve: Yes, that worries me very much.

Erin: What would happen if you always knew you were loved no matter what?

Steve: Shaka, when the walls fell.

Erin: Go on…

Steve: I’d never be jealous. I wouldn’t need to get love from you all the time because I’d know I was loved no matter what you did.

Erin: So why not accept that you’re loved no matter what? Then our lives will be much easier, and no one will ever get jealous.

Steve: Sounds good in theory. But what do I do when I’m not feeling loved?

Erin: You can tune into Source and hold the intention to feel unconditionally loved. Or you could just decide to love yourself no matter what.

Steve: I guess I could do that. That doesn’t sound that hard. But it would help if you could reassure me now and then that I’m still loved.

Erin: Sure, I’d be happy to do that.

Steve: Darmok and Jalad at Tenagra!

Whose permission do you need to love yourself unconditionally? Only your own. So why withhold it? The decision is pretty simple, isn’t it? Love yourself no matter what. Go to a mirror, take a good look at yourself, and say, “I love me!”

If you prefer tuning into God, Source, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster for unconditional love, go for it. Whatever floats your boat.

Erin and I know that no matter what happens, we’re both unconditionally loved. So we don’t have to claw at each other for conditional love. We assume the love is always there.

We don’t need love directly from each other. It’s nice to have of course, but it’s not a requirement. Every day we’re bathed in love. It’s everywhere. It’s unavoidable.

The reason we can’t create jealousy is that we can’t escape unconditional love. We can’t run or hide from it. Love is a constant in our lives. The only way for us to become jealous would be to turn our backs on unconditional love or to pretend it doesn’t exist, and that seems like a pretty lame idea.

Another thing you can do is become unconditionally loving. If you don’t feel you can totally love yourself, warts and all, then try loving someone else. Take that crusty old heart, and squeeze as much juice out of it as you can.

Love your friends and family. Love strangers. Love those who hurt you. Love everyone. Love everything. Realize we’re all one and that separation is an illusion.

If you’ve got it really bad, go out in nature and love a flower. Love a tree. Love the animals. Love the insects. They won’t bite… hopefully.

Worst case, don’t try to tell me you can’t love a cute, fluffy cat.

The more love you allow to flow out of you, the more love you have flowing back to you. Love loves to flow.

No matter what you say or do, know that you’re still loved. Same goes for anything your partner says or does.

Sokoth, his eyes uncovered!

Achieve new breakthroughs in your habits, career, finances, relationships, health, and spiritual development. Register now to attend the transformational 3-day Conscious Growth Workshop in Las Vegas, January 15-17, 2010.

© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

Leo Babauta asked really good questions, so I gave them a lot of thought. This interview is very long — nearly 7,000 words — about the length of a typical book chapter. I promise you it isn’t fluff though. I did my best to answer each question with depth and honesty, so I think you’ll find that this interview is filled with thought-provoking ideas.

Our interview covers a wide variety of topics, including passion, dealing with criticism, avoiding communication overwhelm, daily routine, staying motivated, and more. Some of the questions are especially relevant for bloggers.

It’s ironic that the interview title labels me a “Blogging God” while the final question is about humility. What are you trying to do to me, Leo?

Blog World Expo

Last weekend I attended Blog World Expo here in Las Vegas. It was my first time attending, and I had a blast! I can’t post a full review, but it was definitely worthwhile. I thought it was a little heavy on the promotion and monetization side — I’d have preferred to see the emphasis shift to the content side — but I definitely learned a few things.

I met Dave Taylor while I was there, and I offered to speak at Blog World Expo next year, so we’ll see what happens with that. At first I resisted speaking at blogging conferences because blogging is my medium, not my message. But lately I’ve softened on that stance because I obviously can’t escape being branded as a blogger, and I think I can do some genuine good if I focus on helping bloggers in the area of creative self-expression (which I believe is the core essence behind building substantial traffic). Not long ago I gave a 90-minute presentation called “Creating Compelling Content” to a group of speakers, and that could easily be adapted to blogging.

At one point I was sitting in Jay Berkowitz’ session on monetization, and partway through I see a pic of StevePavlina.com on the screen. He was using it as a monetization example in his Power Point presentation. That was a fun surprise. I waved to him and ended up making a small contribution to the session. He recorded the whole session, and I think it may appear as a podcast on his site.

I had an especially good time talking to JB Glossinger from MorningCoach.com. He has the #1 self-help podcast on iTunes and was one of the conference speakers. We met up at one of the parties and ended up talking for hours, until the hotel staff moved in to clean the hotel ballroom and had to nudge us out. Then we talked some more. I really like his mindset toward personal growth — very open and authentic. I’ve already listened to a couple of his podcasts, and I recommend you give him a listen. He’s recorded over 400 of them!

Another speaker at the conference was Gary Rosenzweig, an old friend and fellow game developer from my pre-blogging days. I first met him at a shareware conference and hadn’t seen him for five years. I enjoying catching up with him and seeing how our career paths had developed in different ways. I moved into blogging, and he got involved in creating online videos. Small world!

Facebook Page

I recently joined Facebook after learning about it at Blog World Expo last weekend. As I mentioned on Twitter, I’m happy to befriend anyone who asks, so if you’d like to befriend me, you can find my profile here: Steve Pavlina – Facebook.

I’ve added more than 200 new Facebook friends this week already (mainly from tweeting about it), so it will be fun to see what happens after announcing it here. I was told the current friend limit is 5,000.

Thanks so much to Shama Hyder and Mari Smith for helping to educate me on using Facebook. I’m still a total newbie at it, but at least I’ve managed to get a few things working properly.

Facebook reminds me of BBSing during the early 90s. If you’re too young (or not geeky enough) to remember what a BBS is, it stands for Bulletin Board System. Local BBSes provided dial-up access via modem. Once you were dialed in, you could create a profile, chat online with people, play games, send messages, and more. Erin and I actually met on a Los Angeles BBS called Dreamscape in 1994. Dreamscape used popular BBS software called Major BBS, and it featured 24 dial-in lines. Using Facebook is like deja vu for me. Sure the technology is more advanced and the community is gigantic, but the underlying operating principle is the same.

While it’s certainly possible to overdo online socializing and use it as a way to procrastinate, I hold a more positive opinion of it. Many of my online social connections have led to offline friendships. I’ve found that when I maintain a robust social life online, it enhances my offline social life too. So you may even catch me doing live chats on Facebook now and then. I enjoy connecting with all kinds of people.

No doubt some people will question how Facebook could help me with my business. The truth is that I don’t really care. My modus operandi is to pursue growth experiences and mold my business around that, not the other way around. So all I’m looking for on Facebook is to make new connections that can lead to interesting growth experiences. I don’t center my life around a profit motive.

Book Sales – Top 200

My new book Personal Development for Smart People is off to a good start. Its Amazon sales rank broke the top 200 today (currently at 146). I expect it will break the top 100 either this week or next. I just announced its release in my newsletter this morning, and Hay House will announce it in their newsletters next week. Their list is 20x the size of mine.

The book already has three Amazon reviews posted, all of them 5 stars. That’s certainly nice to see. I’ve been receiving a lot of positive feedback from readers via email, often from people who are only partway through it.

If you’d like to read a free sample chapter, you can get the Intro and Chapter 1 as a PDF. If you like that chapter, rest assured the book gets significantly better from there. Personally my favorite chapters are Chapter 3 and 6.

I suspect sales will be stronger in October, since it will be a while before the 400+ bloggers who requested a review copy have a chance to read it and post their reviews. Only about 2% of them have posted reviews so far.

Free Bonus With Your Book Order

I forgot to mention that if you order my book this month, you’ll receive several free bonuses. I think you’ll agree these are truly awesome. Their combined value is so incredibly high that I can’t possibly put a price on them.

Some authors try to convince you to buy their books by tossing in a bunch of crappy e-books you’ll never read. But obviously such a scheme is unworthy of a “smart person” such as yourself.

So I had to come up with something much more beneficial to you, something that would complement the book and add some serious value to it.

It took a lot of effort to develop these bonuses, but I think you’ll agree they make this offer absolutely irresistible.

Here’s what you’ll receive:

Bonus #1: Love and Gratitude

You’ll receive my unconditional love for helping to support my work (or is that conditional love?). Every day I take a moment to cast out love energy to everyone who’s read my book. The sooner you read the book, the more love energy you receive. In addition to the free love bonus, I also send out feelings of deep gratitude, so that’s like a bonus on top of a bonus.

But wait — there’s more!!!

Bonus #2: Heightened Awareness

This book will significantly increase your awareness. Even if you don’t do any of the exercises, I guarantee this book will change the way you think about your life — for the better. You’ll be able to amaze your friends and family with your newfound enlightenment.

And that’s not all!!!

Bonus #3: Pass It On Value

After you read the book, you can pass it on to someone you think would benefit from it. Then it becomes a powerful gift you can bestow upon another human being. I don’t earn any money when this happens, but who cares? These ideas are meant to be shared.

Hold on — we’re not done yet!!!

Bonus #4: Free Consultation

I can’t believe I’m including this, but here goes… With your order I’ll include one free astral consultation. Just go to sleep tonight and come visit me on the astral plane, and I’ll personally consult with you for free. Best of all, since there’s no time in the astral realms, you can take as long as you want! Just make sure you’re fully lucid; otherwise you may not remember any of it.

Still not convinced — it gets better!!!

Place your order within the next 10 minutes, and I’ll double your bonuses! That’s right — double! You’ll get double the love and gratitude! Double the awareness! Double the pass it on value! And double the consultations!

This offer is absolutely unprecedented!!! You’d better act now before I regain my sanity!

Operators are standing by…

Achieve new breakthroughs in your habits, career, finances, relationships, health, and spiritual development. Register now to attend the transformational 3-day Conscious Growth Workshop in Las Vegas, January 15-17, 2010.

© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

… you can’t remember the last time you visited the “other side” of the grocery store.

… you measure the time since your last illness in decades.

… you spend more time thinking about digestion than sex.

… you consume your own body weight in less than a month.

… you believe that $5 is a fair price for a 3-oz piece of chocolate.

… you feel confident that you could survive on Gilligan’s Island — and you know you can make a better coconut cream pie than Mary Ann.

… your diet is a combination of the diets of bonobos, cows, and plankton.

… you can identify every item in the produce section.

… the grocery checker has to look up the codes for half of your items; the other half she must ask you to identify.

… you gladly offer to “help out” any friends with fertility problems; they decline because they just want one baby, not a litter.

… you fantasize about a raw foods version of Costco.

… you store produce in your oven.

… you’ve turned down lunch invites for logistical reasons.

… your blender costs more than your car (and has a better warranty).

… you own functional kitchen equipment made of bamboo.

… you weight train by grocery shopping.

… your last remaining addiction is a bean.

… you spell juice fasting with an extra e.

… you don’t believe in pre-detox sex.

… you can make a salad from your backyard, even if you don’t have a garden.

… you know how to cure cancer, heart disease, and diabetes… but no one believes you.

… something in your kitchen is currently underwater.

… you know the difference between raw and really raw when it comes to foods like almonds, tahini, and agave nectar.

… it disturbs you when people start talking about really, really raw.

… you want to try solar gazing soon.

… you refer to the Food Network as the Horror Channel.

… your diet helps restore the hearing you lost from using your blender.

… you call yourself a chef and/or coach even though you’ve never been to school for either.

… you know what Cassandra felt like.

… your first name is an emotion, an adjective, or an insect.

… you shop for clothes in the children’s section.

… your bathroom is devoid of reading material.

… vegans ask you, “But where do you get your protein?” (Some things never change.)

… you qualify potential dating partners based on their level of toxicity.

… your job title begins with the words raw, eco, or alternative.

… your health care practitioner’s job title ends in -path or -ist.

… your crackers cost more than $1 per ounce.

… you meet a breatharian and have to ask, “But where you do get your protein?”

… your breakfast smoothies contain items from six continents, four oceans, and a volcano.

Got more? Share them in the forum discussion.

Achieve new breakthroughs in your habits, career, finances, relationships, health, and spiritual development. Register now to attend the transformational 3-day Conscious Growth Workshop in Las Vegas, January 15-17, 2010.

© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

At some point on the second or third day, a guard came by to deliver us a change of clothes. We had to wear those orange pajama-type outfits, not our own street clothes. If I recall correctly, first we had to strip totally naked and hand in our old clothes. Then we received the new ones. They’re pretty strict about such things.

As my cellmate and I opened our fresh bundles of clothes and began getting dressed, he started laughing uproariously. I turned toward him to see what could possibly be so funny. He shot me a huge grin and held up one of the clean socks he was given. The sock was only about an inch long. It wasn’t a shrunken sock — it was just the first inch of a regular sock, only enough to cover the toes. This may be one of those “you had to be there moments,” but we looked at each other and busted up laughing. What was he supposed to do with a one-inch sock?

Even though being in jail can be a depressing experience, that small bit of silliness raised our energy tremendously. For at least the next hour, it helped us feel more lighthearted and not take the situation so seriously. Being in jail only enhanced the laughter because we had more tension to release.

This happened more than 17 years ago, and I still chuckle about it from time to time.

Where’s the sock?

Sometimes when I’m hit by a number of setbacks in a row, I get knocked down to a lower energy level. For me the most common negative states are frustration and overwhelm.

When I notice I’m getting sucked down, I’ll sometimes ask myself, “Where’s the sock?”

I remind myself that if I can find a way to laugh in jail, then surely I can feel at least that good about anything that might happen outside of jail. It’s just a matter of shifting my perspective.

Finding the sock may mean looking for the humor or irony in a bad situation. Other times it means noticing the silver lining behind the clouds.

Behind every sorrow is a deeper joy. Behind every setback is a greater opportunity. Behind every death is a reawakening to new life.

As I noted in my last post, seven days ago a good friend of mine passed away. Do I feel depressed about that? No, actually I feel happier than I did a week ago — not because I wanted him dead! — but because his passing gave me (and many others) more clarity about what’s most important.

In the past I’ve experienced blows that have made me question my current path and switch directions, sometimes abruptly. In this particular case, I didn’t feel any pressure to switch paths, but I do feel a deeper sense of commitment to the path I’m already on.

Lighten up

A problem many of us have is that we take life too seriously and become overly attached to the trappings of the physical universe. Then when those comforts are threatened — which is inevitable because everything physical is impermanent — we go all kittywompus and have a difficult time handling it.

To lighten up means to release your paranoid death-grip on your physical world trappings, such as your possessions, your relationships, your social status, and your income. All of that is temporary. It cannot possibly endure.

If you can accept — really and truly accept — that every component of your physical life is temporary and will eventually end, you can still enjoy your physical experiences without suffering so much when you lose them.

The less attached you are to your physical life, the more you’ll enjoy it.

If you get a chance, go outside and pick up a rock. Hold it in your hand. Realize that this is a unique and temporary experience. Here in the physical universe, you can pick up and hold rocks. You can feel their weight, texture, and hardness. This might seem like a very mundane experience at first, but realize that you won’t always be able to do this. Your ability to interact with the physical universe is temporary, and it will soon end. Against the backdrop of eternity, your time here is actually quite brief. Enjoy it while it lasts.

What a terrible waste it is to find yourself here in the physical universe — for such a short while — and not enjoy yourself.

If you aren’t enjoying your life, then let go of the parts you don’t enjoy. Simply put those pieces down. Go find other pieces you actually enjoy.

Find the sock

If you feel that your life is akin to a jail cell and it seems overwhelming to change so many things you feel are wrong, then start by looking for the sock. Where’s the humor in your situation? If this was someone else’s story that you were watching unfold, what would you find amusing about it? At the very least, find a way to laugh at how at just how pathetic your life is. Be like George Costanza.

Some of the recurring sock patterns I’ve seen are:

1. Continuing to show up each day to a job you don’t even like. How pathetic is that? You volunteer to go sit in jail each day? Why? Because the pay is good? Because you like hanging out with prisoners? Because you look good in orange? How can you not laugh about this? If a friend said to you, “I just accepted a dare to go spend 90 days in jail; if I can do it, the guy who dared me says he’ll pay me a nice wad of cash,” would you not find that at least a little bit amusing… perhaps even crazy? Maybe you’ve been hanging out with the inmates so much you’re beginning to think like them.
2. Wanting to get back together with an ex-partner who dumped you. You want to get back together with someone who doesn’t even want you? Talk about needy and clingy…. Why not just bribe the other person to get back with you? If you can’t laugh at yourself for doing this, you must really be asleep. The only thing worse is wanting to get back with an ex-partner that you originally dumped.
3. Eating like crap and then complaining about how you look and/or feel. That’s like putting sugar in your car’s gas tank and then complaining that it has a hard time starting. Damned car! What’s wrong with this thing? You should be laughing with every bite.
4. Putting your bills first. All your creditors are satisfied while you’re stressed and unhappy. Brilliant achievement! Have you had your bill collectors over for dinner to tell them you love them so much that you’ve made pleasing them your top priority? Do you want a Scooby Snack for that? Maybe if you put happiness a bit higher on the scoreboard, you’d find it easier to create enough value that you never have to worry about your bills.
5. Doing the same thing every day and expecting dramatic change. Quite the optimist, aren’t you? You must be the one who gave my cellmate that one-inch sock. While we appreciated the laugh, you might want to note that a one-inch sock doesn’t quite serve the same function as a whole sock.

When you start laughing at the absolute ridiculousness of your life’s worst problems, this will raise your energy level for a while. You’ll actually feel lighter. This is a great time to make a few positive changes, even if they’re just little ones at first. Remember that the worse your situation is, the more it will help you to find the sock because you’ll have more tension to release.

It’s very hard to change while you’re holding lots of tension and stress inside. Look for the sock in order to break the tension, if only for a little while, and remind yourself what freedom feels like. Then imagine what your life could be like if freedom became your default state instead of a temporary interruption to a dreary existence.

You may not control all the circumstances of your life, but you can at least control your focus. You can choose to find the sock. And that’s really all the power you need to get moving toward greater freedom. Just keep looking for the sock.

Achieve new breakthroughs in your habits, career, finances, relationships, health, and spiritual development. Register now to attend the transformational 3-day Conscious Growth Workshop in Las Vegas, January 15-17, 2010.

© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

You’re probably right to be concerned… assuming your primary career goal is to work for a company that wants to own you rather than simply pay you to do some work for them.

The funny thing is that many people who have extremely successful careers seem to completely ignore this advice, building the kind of resumes that would disgust any reasonable HR person.

For example, whose resume looks like this?

• cab driver
• landscaper
• vitamin distributor
• glass-blowing lathe operator
• travel agent
• gas station manager
• U-Haul dealer
• moped salesman
• restaurant cook
• business consultant

Answer: David Allen, author of the ever-popular productivity classic Getting Things Done. Last I heard he was expecting to do about $6 million in sales this year (source: CNN). That’s a lot of mopeds!

Yes yes, I know he’s the exception. Everyone who gets away with this kind of thing is the exception of course. Damned cheaters! We wouldn’t want to dent anyone’s comfy little excuse for sticking with a job they don’t like.

From the looks of his resume, it would appear that David Allen is a lifelong quitter.

Doesn’t he realize what an amazing career he could have had as a cab driver? He could have become one of the best cab drivers in California. He might be on his 4th or 5th cab by now.

And why did he have to give up on landscaping? Think of all the hedge mazes that will never exist because he quit. Now that’s a shame.

OK, so maybe he just wasn’t cut out for cab driving or landscaping, but surely he could have gone far as a vitamin distributor. Look at all the fabulous supplements we have today. He could have made millions pushing pills. He’s gotta be upset about losing that job. It was pure colloidal silver.

But nooooo… this guy couldn’t hold a job to save his life.

Yet somehow Mr. David Allen is able to convince businesses to pay him $20,000 a day to teach them productivity skills — the same businesses whose HR departments would likely throw him out if he tried to apply for a regular job.

Hmmmm… kinda makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Is it possible that quitting could actually increase your productivity?

Perhaps the truth is that you can switch careers as much as you’d like — and that those who’d judge you harshly for it are probably just pissed that you’re reminding them of how stuck they are. Do they really have your best interest at heart… or are they trying to enlist your support in assuaging their own self-doubt and insecurity?

Maybe it’s not such a great idea to go out of your way to impress the HR person who’s only looking for the most submissive loser they can find to fill a position that no one in their right mind would want to do for more than a couple weeks anyway. If you up and quit on them, they’ll just have to find another glass-blowing lathe operator who isn’t as smart as you.

Isn’t it amazing how social conditioning can teach you to place a high value on something that a free-thinking sane person would perceive as dreadfully undesirable? Maybe we should make the people that fall for that scheme pay more taxes too; they probably won’t even notice. Oh wait… we already do that.

If you can’t seem to hold a job, perhaps you’re cursed with genius. One of the biggest quitters of all was Leonardo da Vinci. I wonder if his parents ever told him to stop flitting about — painting, engineering, sculpture, botany, anatomy, architecture, music, poetry, etc. – and just stick with one thing. Otherwise, no one would hire him. Imagine Leonardo’s Mom saying to him, “For Christ sakes, Leo! Last week you told me you were going to be an engineer… and now I catch you painting! You march yourself back outside, young man, and go finish that Yard-a-pult monstrosity you started last week.”

So dark the con of man.

Achieve new breakthroughs in your habits, career, finances, relationships, health, and spiritual development. Register now to attend the transformational 3-day Conscious Growth Workshop in Las Vegas, January 15-17, 2010.

© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

Here are 5 things you probably didn’t know about me:

1. Boy Scouts

I was a Life Scout in Boy Scouts but dropped out once I started high school.  I earned 21 merit badges, including swimming, rowing, canoeing, first aid, lifesaving, wilderness survival, archery, camping, cooking, metalwork, leatherwork, wood carving, chemistry, personal fitness, computers, fingerprinting, and several others.  I also earned the Ad Altare Dei religious award.  The highlight of those years was building a shelter in the woods and sleeping in it.  My Scout Leader was a 26-year-old professional search-and-rescue guy and exposed us to some cool survival techniques.

While involved in scouting, I’d go on camping trips every month.  I especially loved the week-long summer camps on Catalina Island and the winter camps at Lake Arrowhead.  As part of a hazing ritual during summer camp, we would hide candy in and around the tents of the newer scouts, which drew the wild boars to them after dark.  Most of the boars were small and not very dangerous, and the bunks were elevated, but you always knew what was going down when you heard the screams in the middle of the night.

The snack stand at this camp sold mostly junk food, but there was a rumor that you could order a special off-menu item called a Ranger Suicide.  At first we thought it was a myth, but when we convinced a member of our troop to try ordering one, we learned it was no mere legend.

If you ordered a regular suicide, it meant you wanted a blend of all the sodas from the soda fountain, like root beer, cola, orange soda, and lemon-lime soda mixed together.  That was no biggie.  But a Ranger Suicide was a regular suicide plus a whole lot more, including ketchup, mustard, pickle relish, hot sauce, jalapeño peppers, nacho cheese, and anything else that was semi-liquid.  It smelled really nasty and had these chunks of cheese floating at the top.  I don’t recall anyone ever being able to finish one; at best a few scouts were able to take a sip, given enough prodding.

2. Card-counting trips

In my early 20s, I frequently drove from L.A. to Las Vegas by myself to go on 3-day blackjack card-counting trips.  I’d bring $1000 cash as a bankroll and would usually earn enough from blackjack to pay for the hotel, gas, and a little profit.  I could “count down” a deck in less than 14 seconds, meaning that I could tally the count for one shuffled deck as fast as I could flip through the cards.  I was a very disciplined player and never played anything but blackjack on those trips, and only with rules I knew I could beat.

The best time was when the Frontier Hotel (which closed earlier this year) offered a juicy single-deck game with very liberal rules.  They also gave out free tokens whenever you hit a blackjack.  11 tokens could be exchanged for a free night in their hotel (later they raised it to 21 tokens).  In a single session, I won over $900 and earned enough tokens to enjoy a free 3-night stay.  I also got all my meals comped.

Card counting was a lot of fun but very mentally taxing.  After a few hours at the tables, I was usually exhausted.  I never played high limits, so my average earnings were close to minimum wage.  The basic strategy has been so indelibly etched in my memory that even if I don’t play for a year or more, I still remember what to do in every situation.  At one point I actually thought about moving to Vegas and trying to make a living from blackjack, but it just wasn’t in the cards. 

Many Vegas hotels have since wrecked the single-deck games by making nasty rule changes, such as having a blackjack pay only 6-to-5 instead of 3-to-2 and/or restricting options for doubling down or splitting pairs.  The multi-deck games commonly use continuous card-shuffling machines now, making card-counting effectively impossible, since the cards are recycled into the shuffler after every hand.

3. My last mass

Since I was raised Catholic, my parents took me and my siblings to church every Sunday since we were born.  Even when traveling or camping, we would have to find a church for Sunday mass.  When I was 17, however, I started questioning what I’d been taught and ended up rejecting most of it.  I soon embraced an atheistic philosophy.  I even subscribed to American Atheist magazine, which certainly didn’t thrill my parents, who still made me attend mass every Sunday.  I think they hoped this was just a phase that would eventually pass, and perhaps regular mass attendance would somehow cure it.

The fictional stories, dull sermons, and droning recitations were driving me nuts, so I had to find a workable alternative that would still leave my car privileges intact.  I went with my parents and siblings to church each Sunday, but I insisted on sitting alone.  They’d usually sit up front, so I’d sit in the back.  Then shortly after the mass began, I’d sneak out the back and go for a walk, always returning before the mass ended in order to rejoin my family at the car.

I enjoyed those introspective walks alone, which became my own version of mass.  I loved the chance to think deeply about life for myself and not be told what to think by others who were merely regurgitating what they’d been told to believe.

One holiday mass, however, I totally misjudged the time and got back from my walk just a minute or two late.  My family arrived at the car to see me walking down the street from the opposite direction.  Whoops!  They drove off without me.  I was upset but also glad that this might help resolve things.  I could walk home in less than an hour, but as the ornery teen I was, I decided to stay out all day.  The mass was at 7:30am, but I didn’t return home until around midnight.  I walked for miles, went to the movies, and overall had a nice time out.  When I got back, my parents weren’t too happy with me, but after that I think they realized that compelling me to go to mass wasn’t going to work.  I had my own philosophical path to pursue, which wasn’t the same as theirs.  Aside from weddings and funerals, that was the last time I’ve ever been inside a church.

4. Model rocketry

For several years during my childhood, my younger brother and I used to build model rockets.  On the weekends my family would go to a large open field down the street to launch them.  The rockets would fly hundreds of feet into the air and then parachute back down — assuming they didn’t explode or come crashing back down.

You could see the ocean from the edge of this field, and it was often breezy there, so the rockets would usually land quite a distance from where we launched them.  As soon as I could see which way the parachuting rocket was being blown, I’d race after it on foot and try to catch it before it landed.  This was partly for fun but also to save the rocket from being damaged when it hit the ground.  The rockets were reusable, but since they were made of cardboard, wood, and plastic, they often needed repair after each launch.  Cracked fins were especially common.  We learned to put address stickers on the rockets, so if they blew so far away we couldn’t see where they landed, we might have a chance of getting them back.

Today that field is completely filled in with houses.

5. Creative vocabulary

When Erin and I communicate with each other, we concoct a lot of made-up words in order to be more expressive.  Hundreds of such words have become staples in our vocabulary, but we create new words every day in the course of our normal conversation.  If we can’t think of the perfect word, we just make something up that sounds right, usually by tweaking an existing word.

Here are some examples of words we commonly use:

• Squeezle – a tight embrace, or to embrace tightly.  Give me a squeezle.  Come squeezle me.
• Smoochle – a very juicy kiss, or to kiss.  Come get a smoochle.  Let’s scmoochle.
• Friskified – ready to do more than just squeezle and smoochle.  I’m feeling friskified; let’s go in the Jacuzzi tonight.
• Snugglable - capable of being snuggled.  Porcupines are definitely not snugglable.
• Ba’schnorty – copping a negative attitude, behaving in an ornery manner.  You’re acting kinda ba’schnorty today; is something bothering you?
• Morselize – to stare at someone as if beholding a tasty morsel.  I’m really morselizing Jennifer Love Hewitt in that outfit.
• Napify – to make drowsy.  This boring movie is napifying me.
• Docilize – to relax someone to the point of near hypnosis.  Keep massaging my neck and shoulders; you’re docilizing me.
• Cutify – to be overwhelmed by the cuteness of something.  Watching those second graders put on their school play totally cutified me.
• Gimme you - an expression commanding someone to come hither, ostensibly to engage in a squeezle or smoochle.  You’re cutifying me with your snugglability — gimme you!
• Gots – to proudly possess something, especially with the overexuberant glee of an ADHD preschooler.  When used in a sentence, always drop the articles (a, an, the) that would otherwise follow this verb.  Also, any sentence that includes the word gots is an automatic exclamation!  I gots sandwich!  I gots blog!

We frequently derive new words by converting adjectives and nouns into verbs and vice versa.  For example, if Erin and I are cuddling in bed, and she’s getting too warm, she might say, “You’re hotting me; I need to get up.”  If I go outside on a cold day without a jacket, when I come inside I might say, “I got frozened (or colded).”  If I walk out of a dark movie theater into the sunlight, I’ll say, “The sun is brighting me.”

Although you might be tempted to assume this post was the spawn of a recent illness, we’ve actually been doing this ever since we met in 1994.  Both of our kids understand and speak our Pavlinian tongue as well.  For example, our daughter Emily might say, “Kyle’s being ba’schnorty.  He’s not sharing his toys.”  Or after trick-or-treating on Halloween, she’ll say, “I gots candy!”  Hopefully that won’t messify them down the road.

Are you having trouble with low search engine rankings for your web site?  Stop trying to compete on pre-existing keywords, and go make up your own.  It’s pretty easy to rank #1 for words that don’t exist.  10 Ways to Relaxify Your Workspace gots #1 on Google for relaxify!

For some reason my ba’schnorty spellchecker reacted to this text as if I’d asked it to chug a Ranger Suicide.

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© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

The Toastmasters humor speech contest has 4 levels:  club, area, division, and district.  I won at the club level but lost the area contest.  Technically I came in last place because I was disqualified for running over the time limit.  If you go even one second overtime in these contests, you lose automatically.

Public failure, private victory

Despite the official outcome, this speech was a private success for me because the humor worked really well — too well in fact.  The audience laughed so much that their laughter forced me to run way long.  Even after cutting some material on the fly to adapt, I still couldn’t bring it to a close on time.  I could have delivered a joke-free speech of the same length in about 5 minutes, but with about two dozen laughs, the delivery time increased by more than 50%.

Competing to improve

In Toastmasters many people say the speech contests are the best way to rapidly improve as a speaker, and I tend to agree.  This is the third time I’ve competed in a contest cycle, and I improve much more rapidly doing the contests than I do delivering non-competitive speeches.  The competition pushes me to do my best.  With respect to moving up the competitive ladder, this was my worst official finish, but with respect to what I learned, this was my best contest ever.

After the speakers were done but before the results were announced, I turned to Erin and said, “You know — I’m not sure whether I want to win or not.”  The irony of competing in a speech contest like this is that if you win, you’re rewarded with more hard work as you refine your speech for the next level.  I felt I already took this particular speech as far as I wanted to, and if I managed to make it to the district level, I’d have to travel hundreds of miles to Fresno, California to compete in the district contest, which wasn’t particularly appealing.  So when the results were announced, I noticed what an ideal outcome it was with respect to my intentions for this contest.

Humor speech analysis

I didn’t record the speech, but I gave a written transcript of it to my friend and humor mentor John Kinde.  John posted the text of the speech on his blog and wrote an analysis of the humor techniques.  His post is titled “A Toastmasters Speech Contest” if you want to read it.  There are a few Toastmasters-specific jokes that won’t be funny unless you’re a Toastmaster, and the humor loses some punch without the visual act-outs and tone of voice, but most of the humor should still make sense in written form.

The art and science of humor

Before I joined Toastmasters in June 2004, I’d never given a humorous speech before in my life.  I never knew there was so much art and science behind making people laugh.  Writing effective humor is a lot like designing computer games.  When you do a good job, the final result may appear simple, elegant, and perhaps even obvious, but it takes a lot of hard work and practice to create something like that.

What I especially enjoy about humor is that it requires an effective blend of left-brain and right-brain thinking.  Maybe it’s because I’m left-handed, but I’ve always been drawn to activities where logic and intuition must work in cooperation.  Learning the technical skills of humor like premises, punch words, act-outs, mixes, callbacks, and so on only gets you so far.  Brainstorming jokes that are intuitively funny will also get you part way.  But it’s the combination of logic and intuition that can turn a polite chuckle into a compulsory, drink-spitting outburst.

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© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

Recently David came to Las Vegas to give a presentation for Toastmasters, and I was so impressed with his content that I immediately approached him about doing an interview for this site.

For three consecutive years David was the top-rated trainer with an international seminar company, and he has spoken extensively across the U.S. and Canada, and in Puerto Rico, Ireland, Sweden, Jamaica, the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas, the Philippines, Thailand, Taiwan, Singapore, Bahrain, Oman, Malaysia, Hong Kong, Macau, Japan, Australia, Saudi Arabia, New Zealand, and the United Arab Emirates.

In addition to his teaching, writing, and training skills, his skill as a public speaker has been even more prominently recognized. In 1990 he emerged from a field of more than 25,000 competitors to become the Toastmasters World Champion of Public Speaking.

Since then, he has taught, coached, and mentored six subsequent World Champions and dozens of finalists. He has been published in national magazines and has appeared on nationwide television and radio broadcasts in the U.S., Canada, Taiwan, Oman and Australia. He was also once featured in a segment on National Public Radio.

David is the co-author of The Seven Strategies of Master Presenters, a comprehensive guide to better speaking, and he has also produced three audio CD learning programs and two DVDs to teach better speaking and delivery skills.

In this interview David Brooks shares his insights to help you improve your communication and presentation skills.

1. What overall strategy did you use to become the 1990 World Champion of Public Speaking?  How did you do it?
 
The day I made the commitment to attempt a run for the Toastmasters’ title I told myself, “I may encounter competitors who can ‘out-speak’ me, but no one will ‘out-prepare’ me.” I then made the commitment to spend as much time as it took to be absolutely ready the moment I took the stage in the International finals. I promised myself I would not take the stage with the thought “If only I had a little more time” in my head. That was the most important strategy–Do whatever it takes to be the best prepared. Thereafter, it was merely a matter of choosing the right message, writing it well, and practicing it more than anyone else. 
 
2. Why did you become a professional speaker?  Was it a conscious choice or an accident?  What motivates you to speak professionally today?
 
My decision to become a professional speaker was mostly due to necessity meeting opportunity. When I won the World Championship of Public Speaking, I had a successful business as a writer, editor, and graphic designer. Desktop publishing didn’t take off until the early ’90s, so I was doing publication design the old-school way–with a light table, a T-square and an X-Acto knife. Then desktop publishing took off and my business changed radically. Many of my mainstay accounts decided to invest in their own desktop publishing systems and I lost a large number of clients to a technological revolution. Somewhat in desperation, I decided to parlay my credentials as a recent World Champion Speaker into a career as a professional speaker. I signed on with SkillPath Seminars and went on the road for three years presenting seminars for them. I found immediate success–for each of the three years I worked for them, I was their highest-rated trainer. That’s when I knew I was able to make a living as a speaker. So I left SkillPath and went into business for myself, and I now make more in one day than I did in several weeks working for them. That’s what keeps me going today–I get paid well for doing what I do well. 
 
3. What’s your best advice for overcoming (or at least effectively managing) the fear of public speaking, especially for people who aren’t professional communicators?
 
As with any skill, speaking can be improved with practice. Simply, the more time you spend in front of an audience, the easier it becomes. That’s why Toastmasters is the best recommendation for anyone who needs to practice in front of a live audience. After five or six presentations in a Toastmasters’ setting, fear transforms into familiarity, and with familiarity comes fun. Once fun sets in, fear is gone. How long does this process take? I made enormous strides from fear to familiarity to fun in the first six months…and it continues to be more fun every time I stand to speak.
 
4. What relevance do presentation and communication skills have to someone who doesn’t intend to make a career out of speaking?
 
It always surprises me when I hear someone say “I’m no public speaker.” I disagree. Except for those who have a physical limitation that prevents the power of speech, everyone is a public speaker. If you speak on the telephone, that’s public speaking. If you place an order at a fast-food restaurant, that’s public speaking. It doesn’t matter whether the “audience” is one person or a thousand, if words come out of your mouth you are speaking publicly. So, since virtually everyone is a public speaker, virtually everyone should be concerned with speaking clearly, concisely, and confidently. The ability to speak with precision and poise is one of the most important professional and personal skills a person can attain. As Daniel Webster said, “If all my possessions and powers were to be taken from me with one exception, I would choose to keep the power of speech, for by it I could recover all the rest.”   
 
5. In your Magic Moments series, you dissect notable segments from various contest speeches, both from the winners and the other finalists.  What have been some of the most important distinctions you’ve gained from this dissection process, as opposed to simply considering each speech as a unified whole?
 
I’m no automobile mechanic, but I do know this: better parts produce better performance. A speech is much the same: its impact can be greater if all of its components are well crafted. Memorable messages can come when every part of a presentation has a purpose. In my Magic Moments DVDs I teach speakers to take a speech apart, focusing only on the best parts. By studying “magic moments”–those moments of brilliance that can be found surrounded by the mundane in almost every speech, you can learn to focus on what works best. And once you learn what works best you can then build a better speech. (Magic Moments is the best-selling and most-watched educational program in the history of Toastmasters.)

[SP:  I have Magic Moments 1 and 2 on DVD, and both are excellent.  I was actually in the audience during Magic Moments 2 while it was being recorded in 2004 in Reno.]

6. Would you share some practical, immediately applicable ideas for improving one’s presentation skills in a job-related setting?
 
Without question, the single most important skill any speaker can develop is the ability to tell a good story. Think back to your earliest recollections of childhood. Except for your none-too-subtle “requests” for food, do you recall what you asked for first? A story. We wanted to hear a good story when we were children and we never outgrew that desire. It is a universal human pleasure.  The most effective communicators are the most effective story-tellers. But it’s not enough to simply tell a story–the best communicators are those who tell small stories to make big points. It works everywhere, from social settings to the boardroom. However, I must inject an important distinction: the best stories to tell have two unique characteristics. They must be real, and they must be your own. 
  
7. What role does humor play when speaking on otherwise serious topics?  How can one effectively incorporate humor into a presentation?
 
A standard line in the speaking profession is “Do I have to use humor in my presentations? Answer: Only if you want to be paid.”
 
In North America, humor is indispensable. This is not nearly as important elsewhere in the world. In Europe, for example, a content-rich presentation without a single laugh can still be well-received. But in North America, the best-received presentations are those that make us laugh while making us think. So does this mean you have to become a comedian? No. In fact, the standard-format “joke” (A ______, a ______, and a ______ walk into a bar…) rarely works for several reasons. First, few people can tell a good joke well; second, most people have already heard it; and third, you give up the element of surprise as soon as you give the setup. As a result, I suggest you stay away from jokes. Instead find ways to inject humor through your stories as discussed above. The best humor is story-based, and always based on your experience in real life.
 
8. What are your favorite do’s and don’ts for creating more effective PowerPoint presentations?
 
I despise the phrase “Death by PowerPoint.” People that use that phrase don’t understand how PowerPoint can be a presenter’s powerful ally, if used with judicious restraint. In fact, I have been featured in a Microsoft Online article in which I explain some PowerPoint do’s and don’ts.
 
In addition to the points cited in that article, I suggest these five tips:
 
1) Don’t substitute PowerPoint for practice. Bad PowerPoint users think “My notes are on the screen–I’ll just read my slides instead of learning my message.” The audience won’t listen because they know you didn’t care enough to prepare.
 
2) Do use PowerPoint to illustrate or reinforce the point you are speaking about. Your slide should be a summary or a reminder of your point, not the verbatim message you are delivering.
 
3) Don’t commit typographic atrocities just because the program lets you. The “Word Art” button is a feature that allows you to compress, expand, elongate, stretch, spin, skew and swirl type…and all of them are bad. Typography is an art; respect the artistry by leaving it the way the typographer intended.
 
4) Don’t use “Random” slide transitions; they create a visual circus. Slides zooming or sliding in from all directions call attention to themselves, and as soon as the audience starts noticing the motion, your message may be lost.
 
5) Do limit your transitions to no more than two styles in each presentation. I use one as the as the standard transition from slide one to two to three, etc., and a second style to reveal key words within a slide. The best slide transitions are the least noticeable.
 
9. What are some of the biggest mistakes you’ve made as a professional speaker, and what did you learn from them?
 
All beginning speakers make this mistake, just as I once did: Never ask “What do you want me to speak about?” Beginning speakers are so eager to get an engagement, they overreach. As a result, in an effort to get any paid engagement, many beginning speakers accept assignments that require weeks of research for a $500 speaking fee. Obviously, you can go broke fast with this strategy. Instead, I recommend you ask the meeting planner what the purpose of their meeting or event will be. If you have a presentation that will be a good fit for their purpose then begin your negotiations. But if the meeting planner wants a presentation on a topic that is not one of your specialties, decline. It will save you money and enhance your credibility. The key to speaking success is to become an expert in one or two disciplines and having the integrity to turn down requests outside of your specialties.

10. In your book The Seven Strategies of Master Presenters (co-written with Dr. Brad McRae), you tell a story from February 1, 2003, when you were slated to do a presentation immediately after your audience learned of the Columbia Space Shuttle explosion — right above their heads in Texas.  As a professional speaker, how do you handle such unforeseen situations?
 
ATO: Acknowledge The Obvious. When something highly unusual or unforgettably noticeable happens, to pretend it didn’t is a sign that you are not paying attention. It is perceived as indifference or ignorance. In the case of the Space Shuttle Columbia explosion, which happened directly overhead minutes before I was due to speak, my introducer had just informed the audience of the devastating news. The mood in the room was a mix of shock, fear, and sadness. For me to take the stage and pretend as if it had not happened would have been insensitive. So I had to acknowledge the obvious. I first asked for a moment of silence in respect for those who had just died. Then I asked the audience for guidance. I asked “Do you want me to proceed or postpone my presentation?” I felt it to be important to let them decide, and I was willing to accept either answer. They chose to proceed so I did, though in a much subdued manner. Let’s face it, there is no way to predict such a disastrous turn of events, but as my friend and fellow World Champion Ed Tate says, “I know I haven’t seen everything; but I’m confident I can handle anything.” 
 
11. You very likely hold the distinction of being the person who’s spoken to more Toastmasters in the world than anyone else.  In assuming this role, what have you learned that other Toastmasters probably haven’t?
 
Since winning the World Championship of Public Speaking in 1990, I have spoken to an average of 5,000 Toastmasters a year. I’ve done this for 17 years, so I’ve spoken to approximately 85,000 Toastmasters. Therefore, though this number is not precisely verifiable, I do believe it to be as accurate as an estimate can be. I’ve learned many lessons along the way, and not the least of which is this: “The Pope and a peasant know more than the Pope alone.” I interpret this adage to mean that no matter how good I am, or how experienced I am, or how well-traveled I am…I can always learn from someone else.
 
In fact, the single best line in my World Championship speech came from a beginning Toastmaster. There I was, one of the top nine speakers in all of Toastmasters in 1990, preparing for the World Championship. As I practiced my speech in front of speakers who had not attained such lofty credentials, one beginning Toastmaster wrote a comment in a post-speech evaluation. She simply wrote “I really liked when you said ‘You’re not supposed to know the Lone Ranger’s name.’” Well, when I read that note I instantly reacted defensively: “That’s not what I said.” But in a flash it hit me… “It’s not what I said, but it’s better!” I am grateful that I was smart enough and humble enough to acknowledge a better idea, without regard to the inexperience of the source. From that I learned “Keep your eyes and your ears and your mind open; you never know when a teacher will appear.” 
 
12. What other advice, ideas, projects, and/or activities would you like to share with StevePavlina.com’s readers?
 
As I hope the answers to this interview have proven, I am grateful for what knowledge I have been given, and for the skills I have been able to develop. This knowledge and these skills were gifts from others, and I would be the most selfish person on Earth if I kept them all to myself. As a result, it is not only my opportunity but also my responsibility to share what I know. I invite you to visit my website: www.DavidBrooksTexas.com and search the site for more resources, some for purchase (Products tab) and some for free (Resources tab). These resources are a culmination of what I have learned in my 21-year journey from fear-filled beginner, to World Champion of Public Speaking, to globe-trotting professional speaker. You will also find information about the programs and services I offer, including executive speech coaching and speech writing. After taking a look at my website, please contact me if I may be of service.
 
SP:  Thank you very much, David!

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© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

It’s wise to cultivate an awareness of our inherent mental weaknesses, since then we have a chance to compensate for them.  But if we remain blissfully ignorant of them, they’ll only come back to bite us.

Here are 10 weaknesses of human intelligence:

1. Faulty hard drive - Witness recall is notoriously inaccurate.  When asked to describe something they just saw, people frequently overlook critically important details, get existing details wrong, and add details that weren’t present at all.  It’s a bad idea to put too much faith in your memories, since they’re likely riddled with errors.  You probably don’t even remember what you’re wearing.
2. Low RAM – You can only load and process so much complexity in your mind at once.  There’s so much you don’t understand because your mind lacks the capacity to store all the subtleties needed for true comprehension.  Consequently, you’re probably making a total mess of things.
3. Slow CPU - Let’s just say you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed.
4. Infinite loops - Once a pattern of thought and behavior has become conditioned, it can be very difficult to reprogram.  This causes bad habits, addictions, and Republicans.
5. Lack of error correction - Once errors get into the system, they tend to stick around for a while.  One bad decision left uncorrected will soon see more errors piled on top of it.  This is how people sink into debt, put on weight, and get jobs, only to regret it later.  Apparently we’d rather be stupid than appear stupid.
6. Limited sensory input - Our input channels are restricted to five senses (six for some of us), which all have a limited range of capabilities.  We can’t see what’s behind a wall, we can’t touch people at a distance, and we can’t hear what people in the next building are saying… unless of course we work for the CIA.
7. Poor networking capabilities – Transferring data between two human minds is slow, tedious, and error-prone, and the protocols are beyond confusing.  It’s a safe bet that Microsoft is involved.
8. High maintenance costs – Who’d want to use hardware that takes 8 hours to reboot, suffers frequent data loss, and is routinely riddled with viruses?  OK, aside from the Dept of Homeland Security.
9. Legacy code – System instability often results from running outdated limbic legacy code.  An impressive display of human intelligence is to queue up your fight-or-flight response when asking someone out on a date.  It’s nice to be prepared just in case she tries to eat you after she rejects you.  DOS was great while it lasted, but it won’t help us save Antarctica.
10. Unreliable hardware – It’s only a matter of time before a critical component suffers an irreparable crash, and then the whole system gets dumped in a human landfill.  You’d think we’d have decent backup options by now, but at least we have the opportunity to sample hundreds of ice cream flavors before we go.  Damned #3.

I’d say we’re long overdue for an upgrade.

By the way, you cheated on #1, didn’t you?

Sorry, Antarctica.

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© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.

These are a bit sillier and less politically correct than the first two volumes — I had to stretch to come up with more ideas – but many are still valid in certain situations.  Just be sure to take them with a grain of salt.  I assume no liability for anyone who actually tries to apply these.

Here are 33 more rules to boost your productivity:

1. Halliburton.  Cut corners to save time and money when the outcome is mainly for show anyway.  If it looks good, it is good.  It’s easier to manufacture excuses than results.
2. Nuke.XML.  Split your RSS feeds into two lists:  those that help boost your productivity vs. those that taketh it away.  Force yourself to unsubscribe from all the feeds in the second list.  You won’t miss them.  Just be sure this blog makes the first list.
3. Evil eye.  Practice your best evil eye in a mirror, and use it liberally on anyone who enters your space to interrupt you.
4. Vulcan logic.  Ask for a part-time assistant by explaining to your boss that you’re being paid $25/hour to do $10/hour tasks, which is costing your employer a lot of money.
5. Voodoo.  Display voodoo replicas of your boss and co-workers on your desk, labeled with their names.  Whenever you overhear someone complaining of health problems (headache, upset stomach, runny nose, etc), stick a pin into the corresponding part of their doll.  Then call them over to your workspace for some unrelated reason.
6. Scooby snacks.  Grab a bowl of your favorite snacks, such as grapes, tamari almonds, or Trader Joe’s Oriental Rice Crackers.  Eat one piece for each microbial piece of work you complete.  One bite per sentence.  One bite per line of code.  One bite per email.  Ranks, Raggy.
7. Iraqi Freedom.  When you’re bleeding time and money on a project that’s spiraling out of control, when morale is in the toilet, and when you can’t even get yourself to believe your own lies anymore, that’s the best time to go on vacation.
8. WoW.die.die.die.  Give online gaming a rest, and re-invest that energy into your real life, which is probably suffocating beneath a pile of dead, smelly orcs.
9. Politician.  Throw money at your problems until they succumb.  Either this will work, or you’ll put your successor in such a crippled position that they can’t do any better.
10. Upgrade.  Modernize your tools – a faster computer, a better PDA, a hotter girlfriend.
11. Coach.  Hire a personal coach to keep yourself motivated, focused, and accountable.  After several months of pep talks, you’ll be qualified to start your own coaching practice.
12. Proactive.  Just do it, and deal with the consequences later.  It’s easier to request forgiveness than permission.
13. Polyphasic.  Six naps a day keeps your laziness at bay.  You can catch up on sleep when you’re dead.  See Polyphasic Sleep for details.
14. Captain Kirk.  If you boldly and brazenly act like you know what you’re doing, people will assume it’s true.  Use this strategy to get promoted to the point where you can delegate all your work to those who really know what they’re doing.  Orion slave girls are standing by.
15. Hyundai.  Lower your standards, and just get it done anyway you can.
16. Saturn.  Dictate the terms you want as totally non-negotiable, and make them sound as generous as you can.  But at the first sign of resistance, cave in immediately and agree to re-negotiate everything.
17. Blockade.  Slide a heavy piece of furniture in front of your office door.  When drop-in visitors complain they can’t get in, tell them you’re refactoring your office for greater productivity.
18. Eye for an eye.  Punish those who add tasks to your plate by filling their plates with even more.
19. Bait.  Put candy dishes on everyone’s desk but your own.
20. Quagmire.  Fill out and mail a generous assortment of business reply cards in your boss’ name, checking the “bill me later” boxes.  A few dozen magazine subscriptions and some Franklin Mint collections ought to slow him down a bit.  A new Civil War chess piece every month means he’ll be playing chess in under 3 years.
21. End run.  Suggest to your boss’ boss that your boss is overworked and needs more help.  If you implement the previous tip, this will likely be true.
22. Fasting.  Digest information, not food.
23. Toddler.  Throw a tantrum until someone finally solves the problem for you.
24. Armageddon.  Use Overwhelming Force to totally dominate your problem.  Treat your molehill like a mountain.  Use a bazooka to kill a cockroach.  Send a real human being to serve in Congress.
25. Model.  Find people who are already getting the results you want, interview them, and model their attitudes, beliefs, and behavior.  Then you’ll have someone to blame when things go wrong.
26. The Secret.  Use the Law of Attraction to manifest the done-ness of your project.
27. Illuminati.  Form a secret society to ensure that things always go your way.  Eventually take over the planet to guarantee you’ll never have to work again.
28. PMS.  Accept the fact that you can still get your work done even when you’re pissed at everything.
29. Anakin.  Would your problems be easier to solve if you turned evil?  The dark side beckons…
30. Spammer.  Sign up for a free email account, and subscribe to every e-zine, e-newsletter, and mailing list you can find.  The shadier the better.  Once you’ve completed all the double opt-in processes, set that account to forward to your boss’ email.
31. Steve Jobs.  On the rare occasions you actually do manage to get something done, talk it up like a madman.  Say “This is huge!” to everyone you meet.  People will assume you’re 10x as productive as you are.
32. Guru.  Instead of doing your actual work, spend most of your time reading productivity blogs.  Within a few months, you’ll have acquired enough knowledge to start your own.  Eventually you’ll realize that 50% of the web consists of productivity tips written by chronic procrastinators.  The other 50% is porn.
33. Uber-Guru.  Stick with the first 50%.

Read the first two parts of this series here:  Volume 1 and Volume 2

Achieve new breakthroughs in your habits, career, finances, relationships, health, and spiritual development. Register now to attend the transformational 3-day Conscious Growth Workshop in Las Vegas, January 15-17, 2010.

© 2009 by Steve Pavlina.