Make People Feel Good

March 2nd, 2015 by Steve Pavlina

A simple way to enjoy a happier and more abundant social life is to put some effort into making people feel good.

Many people get so caught up thinking they have to rack up some accomplishments, get into better shape, become a person of high value, and more — just to give themselves permission to reach out and connect with others. None of that is necessary. That’s putting the focus on yourself, where you’ll only swirl around in endless circles of self-doubt. You’ll never feel prepared with that approach. You’ll never be done. You’ll just keep coming up with more reasons why you aren’t ready. Your goal will always be six more months away.

If a woman wants me to like her, all she needs to do is ask me, “What can I do to make you feel good right now?” I’ll tell her. Suppose I say, “Well, I’d love a good head-scratching.” And she says okay and starts giving me a head-scratching. Now I’m blissing out, and I have her to thank for it. She’s instantly promoted to my A-list.

Do I care if she does yoga for two hours a day to stay in shape? Does it matter how much traffic she gets to her website? Do I care what color her skin is? None of those things matter to me. If she makes me feel good when I’m with her, of course I’m going to like her.

Alternatively, she can try to impress me instead. She can talk about her education and career ambitions. She can talk about her previous boyfriends and how much they worshipped her. She can tell me about her decade of yoga practice.

And I may very well be impressed. I’ll think, Wow… this woman really has her life on track.

Then I’ll excuse myself and go sit with the woman who gives great head-scratchings… or the one who tells funny stories and makes me laugh… or the one who loves to cuddle.

Why do I love my girlfriend so much? It’s very simple. She makes me feel good.

She smiles at me. She gives me lots of affection. She travels with me. She plays with me. She cuddles with me. She makes me yummy vegan food.

She learned what makes me feel good, and she does those things regularly.

I also make her feel good. I know what she likes, and I do those things often.

Does It Feel Good to Stay?

Why ever leave a relationship? You and/or your partner stop making each other feel good. Either you stop learning what makes each other feel good, or you stop doing what you know.

How could you reignite a broken relationship? Ask your partner what you can do to make him/her feel good, and start doing those things every day. Tell your partner how to make you feel good, and ask him/her to start doing some of those things every day. If either of you doesn’t honor this commitment, let go and find someone else who will synergize with you.

You may encounter people who want you to do things that don’t feel good to you. There’s no need to make sacrifices. Find something you’re willing to give, and then look for people who will appreciate what you enjoy giving.

Some people love buying gifts for each other. Some love to verbally express encouragement and appreciation. Some love touch and affection.

Don’t force yourself to give in ways that don’t feel good to you. Instead, seek out people who enjoy and appreciate a style of giving and receiving that’s compatible with yours.

I love making people feel good through touch, affection, and sharing laughs. It also feels good to receive this. My favorite connections normally include lots of touch as well as plenty of laughter and joking around.

What Makes You Feel Good?

Do the people in your life know what makes you feel good? Have you made it obvious to them?

If you’re currently in a relationship, go to your partner and ask him/her: What do you think makes me feel good? See how accurate the answer is. If it’s not accurate, enlighten your partner. Then switch roles, and tell your partner what you believe makes him/her feel good.

Now review with your partner how often you actually do the things that make each other feel good. Have you been doing well or slacking off? Is someone not pulling their weight? Has some resentment been building? Are you out of alignment between what you’re each willing to give vs. what you each desire to receive?

Get the basics right. Make each other feel good. Do those simple actions every day, multiple times per day.

If you aren’t making your partner feel good, then you’re more likely to feel jealous and possessive since there’s a chance your partner will eventually meet someone else who does make him/her feel good. And where will that leave you? Why should someone remain loyal to a partner who doesn’t make them feel good?

But if you know how to make your partner feel good, and you do those things regularly, then what is there to worry about? You know that your partner has good reason to keep returning to you.

If you make people feel good when they’re with you, they’ll likely want to keep connecting with you. You don’t always have to make this investment though. You may frequently meet with people where such an investment doesn’t seem worthwhile. But when you see other signs of compatibility and you’d like to explore a deeper connection with someone, then making someone feel good is an easy way to open the door.

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