Meeting in Person

September 14th, 2013 by Steve Pavlina

This is a personal follow-up to my last article about Enjoying Rich and Abundant Relationships. Basically I took that article and went even further with it, which led to a decision to undertake a significant recalibration of my social and relationship life, starting now.

This decision was partly inspired by my time in Europe (I’ve been here for 2.5 weeks so far), but it’s also an extension of a path that’s been unfolding for years.

I spent most of yesterday and half of today journaling, writing, and rewriting my most honest desires for the types of social connections I want to experience in my life going forward. By extension this also required getting clear about what I’m ready to let go of.

The end result was that I added a new page to my website, which contains a disgustingly detailed description of the types of social connections I currently desire. It also spells out the types of connections that I must decline in order to free up more time and energy for more compatible matches.

I’ve had the idea to create a page like this for at least a few years. In fact, I’ve created and then deleted several half-finished versions of it, revisiting the idea from scratch once or twice a year. I never finished and published those versions because none of them felt right to me. They always seemed out of alignment with what I really wanted, like I was still holding back too much. But after writing that recent article on abundant relationships, I finally felt like I had the clarity to do this.

Perhaps there’s also something magical about being in Bucharest, Romania right now that finally gave me the right kind of inspiration to move this idea forward.

I’d expect that more than 99% of people will be turned off by what I shared on that page. They’ll read what I wrote and conclude, “Not for me!” My intention isn’t to offend them but to respectfully yet unambiguously acknowledge our incompatibility. I’d like to avoid wasting anyone’s time on a connection that’s most likely going to fizzle anyway. But the small percentage who resonate strongly with what I’ve shared will have a high degree of certainty that we should definitely connect and that we’re very likely to hit it off.

That new web page is very long and personal, so if this subject is of no interest to you, there’s no point in reading it. But if you’re interested in clarifying your own social desires, you may gain some insights from the structure I used, even if you have no particular resonance with the content.

I get a LOT of requests to meet with people one on one, especially when I travel. Often it’s more than I can handle. For many years I’ve had a love-hate relationship with these invites. In general I love meeting new people, but there are many scenarios that I find draining, such as a meeting that turns into a free coaching session, a promotional pitch, or being used as a shoulder to cry on. Accepting invitations that drain me isn’t a very good way to manage my social life. It causes me to yo-yo from wanting to connect with people and then retreating into solitude to recover.

On the other hand, I also enjoy many social connections that are wonderfully uplifting. I very much want to continue to enjoy more of those.

So my idea was to create a way of filtering meet-up invites in such a way that I can accept those with the greatest potential for a really empowering connection, and respectfully decline those where there clearly isn’t much compatibility. I do this by sharing my desires for connection in great detail and then letting people self-select or self-decline. If they don’t want to bother reading it, then it’s an automatic decline, which I’m also okay with.

I realize that to some people, going to such lengths may seem a bit crazy nutso. Perhaps it is. But for now this feels good to me. Now when anyone wants to connect in person, I can refer them to that page. If they read it and lose interest in wanting to meet up, that’s okay. But if they love what they see, then we can skip the smalltalk and delve into something deeper from the get-go.

Creating this page was only partly about adopting a new way to filter social invites. The bigger part of this (for myself at least) was to go through the process of clarifying, accepting, and owning my desires more fully than I’ve done before.

I’ve previously written a lot about broadcasting your desires. This isn’t an easy thing to do, but I’ve seen how powerful the results can be. Every time I do this, there’s a part of me that worries the world is going to collapse around me if I finally admit the truth about what I want. But whenever I give myself permission to energetically step into that new world of clarity and release the various blocks, fears, and limiting beliefs that once held me back, the feeling of relief and empowerment is amazing. Of course this is often accompanied by some mild terror, but that eventually fades.

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