Personal Development for Smart People^TM

People often ask me for my thoughts on property ownership, both with respect to physical property and intellectual property. I feel inspired to write about this topic this morning, so I’ll share some of those thoughts with you now.

Do I think property ownership is a good thing, or is it an evil scourge?

For me, property ownership is about responsibility and sharing, not about control and security.

If you think that can truly own something, you’re mistaken. Your ownership of anything in the physical world is guaranteed to end eventually, either through loss or death. So how can you really own anything if your ownership will be taken away? You’re not really the owner of anything. You’re simply a temporary steward.

As a steward of your property, you’re responsible for it. It’s your job to take good care of that which is entrusted to you. It’s also up to you to define what “good care” means.

I see “good care” as meaning that I use my property responsibly and intelligently, in alignment with the principles of Truth, Love, and Power.

Truth – Am I honest in my property dealings? Do I lie or cheat to acquire? Or do I use my creativity to add new value to the world, such that I’m deserving of all the abundance that flows to me? I believe that the more honest and forthright I am, the more deserving I am property stewardship. I welcome property into my life because I know I’m a man who will take good care of it.

Do I live with the truth that all the property that flows through my life is temporary? Do I recognize and accept that I own nothing?

Love – Do I maintain property that truly connects with me? Do I feel good about what I’m responsible for? Do I love it and feel grateful for it? Recently I’ve been purging and donating items from my home that no longer connect with me. I feel someone else will be a better steward of those items.

Do I use my property lovingly? Do I care for it? Do I share it with others? Do I use it to add value to people’s lives?

Power – Is my property empowering? Or does that which I own end up owning me? Am I overburdened with stuff, or do I enjoy new freedoms as a result of my stewardship? Does property flow through my life as an expression of my power, or do I make the mistake of giving my power away to material possessions, money, etc? Do I practice detachment, or do I weaken myself by becoming attached and security-driven?

Do I use my property to empower others? Do I continually strive to direct it to the best possible use?

Intellectual Property

I own lots of intellectual “property” because most of my creative output, including the articles, audio files, and videos on this website, is copyrighted by default. I don’t do this out of a need to own everything I create. I don’t think I own the ideas I express anyway. But I do want to be a responsible steward for those forms of expression which I’ve created. I’m responsible for expressing the message clearly and for seeing that it gets shared wisely.

I’m willing to own intellectual property because I know that I’m a man who will take very good care of it. I think I’ve done an excellent job with the intellectual property that’s been entrusted to me so far. Most of it is now available freely worldwide, whereby the value has been received by millions of people in 150 different countries. And because of the system I set up for sharing this content, it continues to provide value to people 24/7 for little or no cost.

I don’t have any articles written that are just sitting on my hard drive, waiting to be published. I am not selfish with my content. When I get a good idea, I do my best to express it and share it quickly. In most cases I publish my ideas for free, as long as I believe that’s the best method to share them. I think this discipline is one of the reasons that so much intellectual property has been entrusted to me… as well as a never-ending flow of new ideas to express and share.

The universe constantly sends me new ideas because it knows I will express and share them responsibly. It knows I won’t dilute powerful messages or hesitate to express them. I will simply share what I receive. The universe also knows I can take a lot of criticism and still keep expressing new ideas without being swayed by the tides of public opinion. I believe all of these factors contribute to worthy stewardship.

When people suggest worthwhile ways I can be a better steward of my intellectual property, I listen. When I receive requests from people that I believe would muddle the message or use it for questionable purposes, I decline. I won’t always have the ability to direct my work in this fashion, but for now it’s like a child to me. It would be unwise to toss it out into the world haphazardly and hope for the best. There are many ways I can guide these ideas to reach the right people in the right ways, so as to stimulate responsible growth and positive change.

Upon my death I intend to release my intellectual property into either the care of the public domain (if I believe that’s the best option), or into the care of a highly conscious individual or group who can see that these messages remain available and accessible and are shared wisely. I’m not going to will everything to a relative who won’t know what to do with it.

You may disagree with my views on intellectual property, and that’s fine. I’ve heard all the pro-IP and anti-IP arguments many times over. This is the conscious choice I’ve made. If the universe disagrees with my choice and considers me an unworthy steward, it could send me lots of signals to that effect, such as blocking the flow of ideas. But so far it has been smooth sailing with a strong tailwind, so I take that as a sign I’m following the right course for now.

Physical Property

I also own a nice house, a car, cash, and various other possessions. But again, the idea of ownership seems a bit silly to me. I’m simply a steward of these items. They’ve flowed into my life because I’m a responsible man who will take good care of them. I know that I deserve to have these things in my life.

I keep my home neat and clean. I maintain it first as a private sanctuary to keep me at my best. It is a place that makes it easy for me to experience gratitude, relaxation, and abundance. I appreciate my home every day. When something breaks I repair or replace it.

My home empowers me, but I do not give my power away to it. I am not clingy or attached to it. I know that it’s all temporary, and so I treasure it more because of that. I often say to the universe, “Thank you for granting me such a beautiful home to live in. I am truly grateful.” But the words are not important. What matters is the feeling that goes with them.

I’m also responsible for sharing my home in a way that provides value to others. I frequently open my house to friends and strangers alike, whenever it intuitively feels right to do so. I share my beautiful kitchen with people who appreciate using it to make food. I offer my guest room to people who come to town as a place where they can stay for free. I make my home available for raw food potlucks for 30-40 people at a time.

When it feels good to enjoy my time alone, I do so. When it feels good to share, I do that too. I use my intuition to decide which modality feels right. I know that undue force has the ability to poison both solitude and sharing, preventing those gifts from being received with gratitude.

I even share my home with insects. If I see any walking around, I let them roam freely and do not harm them. I even say hi to them and let them know they’re safe here and that they needn’t fear me. Sometimes I warn them to stay outside when a friend who’s been known to eat bugs comes to visit.

Through the act of sharing, the flow keeps growing. When I share my home from a place of gratitude, the home improves. For example, one friend who stayed with me recently helped me plant some greens and herbs in my garden, which have already begun to sprout. Another friend taught me a new way to use a certain appliance to make creative raw dishes.

And of course sharing the jacuzzi is nice too… but not with insects.

By overcoming various struggles in my past, I’ve proven that I’m not going to give up, regardless of circumstances. If I could find a way to focus my energies on creating value for others even while going bankrupt, then what more testing do I need? Apparently the universe sees no more point in giving me tests that it knows I will pass. So it has surrendered to my will in those areas, providing me with financial abundance. But I had to become worthy of that abundance by passing the tests first. The universe had to determine whether or not I’d be a good steward.

I know that the reason I’m able to enjoy living in a beautiful home today is the result of a lesson I learned more than 10 years ago. I was broke, deep in debt, and going bankrupt. I had every reason to feel frustrated and resentful, and for a time that’s exactly what I did. But then one day, I sat on the beach for a while, and I decided to express gratitude for the unacknowledged gifts that were all around me. Partly I did this because I was fed up with feeling frustrated all the time, and I just wanted to feel something different, if only for a moment.

I expressed gratitude for the beauty of the ocean, the sound of the surf, and the warmth of the sun. I let go of my sense of clinginess and neediness. I decided to give thanks instead of asking for more for myself. I fully surrendered to the beauty that was all around me. That became a crucial turning point in my life. A year later all of my financial problems were gone, and they haven’t returned since.

November 2nd of this year was the 10-year anniversary of my bankruptcy discharge. Since I filed a Chapter 7 bankruptcy, it stayed on my credit report for 10 years. Now it’s no longer on my credit report, and once again I have stellar credit — not that I need it now. Even so, it’s one more thing I can choose to be grateful for.

Taxes

What about taxes? Should we resist paying taxes? What about the true nature of the Federal Reserve?

This question about whether or not to pay taxes isn’t new. It’s thousands of years old.

I especially love how Jesus answered this question: Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s.

That was a play on words because the caesar was the coin of the realm.

I pay all my taxes. It’s not a big deal to me. My money is not my money anyway. It’s simply something that flows through my life. The money belongs to Caesar. Caesar prints it and owns it, so I’m happy to let him have it when he asks for it. However, the abundance belongs to me.

I don’t care about the numbers. I pay little attention to them. I can’t even say how much money I make each month. I just know that it’s a lot. I spent as little time dealing with the numbers as possible. The numbers are the domain of Caesar.

I just know that whenever I check my bank account, there’s always plenty of money in it. That’s an effect, however, not a cause.

Money is not a power source. Money is in fact completely powerless. When I pay my taxes, I am giving away nothing of value. I am simply changing numbers in a computer somewhere. Some numbers go down while other numbers go up. It’s largely meaningless to me.

I could give money away to the most evil people on earth, and it means nothing to me. More money cannot increase their power. It’s only a number. Only human beings can choose to give their power away.

If you regard money as a power source, then you’re giving your power away. If you fear that evil people will become stronger with more money, then you’re using your power of intention to strengthen that delusion and to weaken yourself.

Do you think Bill Gates is more powerful than you because he has more money? If you do, then you’re giving your power away to an illusion. You are the most powerful being in your reality. Stop choosing to make yourself powerless.

Look within to notice how you spend your money. Do you empower that which you consider disempowering by your own relationship with money? Do you work for a soulless corporation to enrich greedy owners because you feel powerless to do otherwise? Does your need for financial security push you to make unwise choices that enslave you and rob you of freedom? Are you living as a coward, unwilling to make a bold leap into the place that stirs your soul?

Do you spend money on purchases that make you feel guilty? Are you honest about your feelings, or do you suppress them? Do you find it necessary to justify your purchases?

Money can only wield power over slaves. It cannot buy anything of real value, such as love or loyalty or honor. What money has the ability to control is not worth controlling. Money may flow through your life, but it cannot make you stronger.

The flow of money is simply part of the manifestation process. Sometimes abundance manifests with a greater flow of money; sometimes it doesn’t.

Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s. Let those who want money have more of it. Let them succumb to the delusion that money is a power source. Let others choose to be their slaves if that’s the game they wish to play. And then you may sit on the sidelines of the money game and enjoy the drama of the show, occasionally reminding the willing players that it’s just a game and that they needn’t stress themselves out by taking it so seriously… and that they’re free to leave at any time and enjoy a life of simple abundance and flow.

Retirement

Should we save up for retirement? Do we need to build a gigantic nest egg?

What’s the point? A fear-based need for security?

I don’t save up for retirement because I don’t see money as a power source. It can never be a source of security for me. I am content to die broke. I have so much abundance flowing through my life that I cannot fathom suffering from scarcity, with or without money. I don’t need a huge stockpile of cash and possessions to make me feel secure. A stockpile is still vulnerable (as many people discovered during the past few years), but my inner ability to create abundance is not vulnerable because that is a matter of conscious choice. As long as I’m conscious, I retain my ability to choose, and if I fall unconscious, I won’t care anyway.

I don’t see the point in retirement. I don’t have a job, so what is there to retire from? Life itself?

When it comes to my career and finances, I primarily focus on two things: (1) doing what I love, and (2) creating value for others. Ideally I look for ways to do both at the same time. Why on earth would I ever want to give that up? Why would I want to retire from that which leaves me feeling happy and fulfilled on a daily basis? Why would I want to stop doing what I love? Why would I want to stop sharing it?

If you think you’ll retire at some point, then you must see your work as a sacrifice on some level. And that means you’re giving your power away to something you don’t want. Why would you do that to yourself? Don’t you realize you don’t have to do that? You deserve better. Step up and claim it already.

If you have a career that you expect to retire from someday, then something is wrong with your career right now — in the present moment. You should retire from such silliness immediately, not decades from now. Just go to your boss and say, “I quit.”

If you were truly doing what you loved, you’d never want to retire. Don’t you deserve that kind of life right now? What’s the point in waiting? What are you waiting for anyway? For a miracle? For death? When will you be ready to start living? You do realize that it’s up to you to make it all happen, don’t you? As long as you’re willing to wait it out, life is happy to wait right along with you. But don’t be surprised when people like me stare at you like you’re an idiot for doing so.

Retirement is a funeral for people who’ve been dead inside for a long time. As long as I’m alive inside, I cannot retire. When I feel ready to retire, I will welcome death. I will not linger in that soulless half-life between life and death.

As Helen care wrote, “Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” If you aren’t consciously choosing to embrace the daring adventure on a daily basis, you’re unconsciously choosing the nothing.

Gratitude

What unacknowledged gifts have you been taking for granted? Do you expect more abundance to flow through your life when you’re unwilling to gratefully accept the abundance that is already there?

If you’re not expressing gratitude each day, you’re holding abundance at bay.

A friend of mine maintains a gratitude journal. She writes in it each day and has been doing so for years. I’m often impressed by the synchronistic flow of abundance through her life. When she expresses a clear intention, it manifests so quickly that it makes people’s heads spin.

For me gratitude has become an ingrained state of being. The feeling is triggered by so many things in my environment each day that I simply can’t help but feel thankful. After a deep conversation with a friend — which is something I enjoy pretty much every day — I often feel very fortunate to have such a person in my life. Sometimes I’ll say to myself, “Wow… what an amazing connection we share!” Or if I’m sitting in front of my fireplace, I notice how nice it feels to be by a warm fire. Or when I’m using my computer now or my new smartphone, I think about how cool it is to have access to such amazing technology. Even now as I’m writing this article, my eyes tear up from time to time as I feel stunned by how easily the words and ideas flow through me, and I anticipate how they may be of help to people who want to shift from scarcity to abundance.

I don’t need to say or write anything — it’s the feeling that’s important. I feel blessed every single day.

Today this is a habit, one that’s largely unconscious and automatic, but it began as a conscious choice. It was a choice I made after being notified that I was being kicked out of my apartment because I was behind on the rent. In that moment I finally learned to stop giving my power away and to create abundance by choice. After that it was only a matter of time before the external expression caught up to reflect the internal creation.

If you cannot choose to feel grateful NOW, regardless of your external circumstances, then you are prohibiting yourself from attracting abundance. Gratitude can only be experienced in the present. Thoughts like later, tonight, or tomorrow are decisions to continue attracting scarcity. Gratitude is either here and now, or it does not exist at all. Do not delude yourself into thinking that such a thing as later actually exists. Later is never.

Stewardship

I think stewardship is a great way to think about property ownership. We are the stewards of all the abundance that is entrusted to us.

It is not our place to try to claim and control as much as possible. Chasing security is a fool’s errand. We’re guaranteed to lose it all in the end. Security is a false, fear-based desire. If you pursue security through possessions, you will end up with neither. It’s only by letting go of neediness that we can experience abundance.

Nor is it our place to abdicate all responsibility for that which surrounds us. We must be responsible stewards of the land, the water, and the sky. In feng shui it’s said that even a chipped glass in your home is something you should repair or replace immediately; otherwise you’re shirking your duty to maintain a beautiful, stress-free living environment. You’re also signaling to the universe that you feel unworthy of non-broken items and that you only deserve that which is flawed.

If you learn to be a good steward, it is natural for more abundance to flow to you. If you’re a an irresponsible steward, scarcity will be your constant companion.

For all the possessions that have already been entrusted do you, including all your intellectual and physical property, what kind of steward have you been? Would you entrust more property to someone like you, or would you feel inclined to remove some of it? If you desire more, prove to the universe that you’re worthy of more. For another perspective on this topic, you may enjoy reading The Parable of the Talents.

What kind of steward have you been for all the gifts that life bestows? Are you a good steward of your body? Do you take good care of your living space and your work environment? Do you feel grateful on a daily basis for life’s many gifts? Would an objective observer easily conclude that you’re worthy of greater stewardship?

What kind of steward you become is an act of choice. This is where you can exercise the power of your consciousness. If you recognize that you’ve been a lousy steward and you wish to change that, you’re capable of doing so. A great place to start is by cherishing and accepting responsibility for all that has been entrusted to you already. Show the universe that you deserve more abundance by receiving its gifts with gratitude, and more will surely flow to you.

Is online social networking largely a waste of time? Is it a form of idle entertainment that distracts you from more important things in life? Does it make any sense from a productivity standpoint to spend time on social networking sites, or is this just another form of online addiction?

I began considering these questions in the summer of 2008 when I first started using Twitter and Facebook. Presently I have more than 10,000 Twitter followers, and I’m maxed out at 5,000 Facebook friends with a waiting list of 600 more friend requests I can’t approve until some people drop off. I’m active on both sites and usually post multiple status updates each day. Some people have commented that my Facebook page is like a discussion forum because there are so many comments posted.

In this article I’ll share what I learned as I wrestled with the challenge of balancing productivity and social networking.

Can social networking be productive?

This depends on how you define productivity. I’ve already written a fairly deep article on defining productivity, so I’ll simply use that definition here: Productivity is value divided by time. And you’re free to determine what value means to you.

Value is subjective. What’s valuable to me may not be the same for you. What’s valuable in your professional life may not be the same as what you value in your personal life.

As I got deeper into online social networking, I kept a fairly open mind about how I would define value. I simply asked myself, “Is this pursuit making a positive difference in my life and in the lives of others?” If the answer was yes, then I had to consider whether the value created was worth the time investment.

Sometimes I found it difficult to justify all the time I was spending on social networking. But in truth I’d already been doing social networking for years, at least since 1994 when I started chatting with people on local computer bulletin boards. Using Twitter and Facebook were simply the latest incarnations.

Upon reflection I can see that social networking has been incredibly valuable for me, although the benefits have been more personal than professional.

Results

Here are some of the results, both tangible and intangible that I can attribute to social networking during the past year.

1. Scouting

Your extended social network can act as your online eyes and ears, making you aware of new opportunities, information, and contacts that could benefit you. This works especially well if you have a strong personality and people know what you’re looking to experience. This alone can save you a tremendous amount of time and enhance your life immeasurably. One good contact can send your life spiraling in a fantastic new direction.

2. Sharing

This is a deeper level of mutual assistance than scouting. Friends you make through social networking can actively share resources and advice with you. For example, when I began writing about my recent separation from Erin, many friends I made from social networking contacted me to offer advice and share stories about their own relationships. This deepened my connections with certain people who shared a common experience. Some of the advice was also very practical and useful.

3. Personal growth

Social networking can greatly accelerate your personal growth if you apply it to that purpose. It’s not that difficult to meet people with compatible goals and values, and then you can stay in touch and help each other grow.

For example, I’ve connected with hundreds of raw foodists through social networking sites. We’ve shared many recipes and health tips with each other. It’s nice having an easy connection to so many people who share a common interest, so we can help each other grow.

Some of the more interesting growth experiences come about when you turn online relationships into offline ones. I’ve met lots of interesting people face-to-face that I originally met online.

Recently a raw foodist friend (someone I originally met through a social networking site) was at my house. We were making some raw food dishes together, and she asked me where my composting bin was, so she could toss the produce scraps into it. I told her I didn’t have one because I don’t compost. (I honestly didn’t know anything about composting.) Then she said, “Alright, I’m gonna have to kick your ass for that!” And she proceeded to give me a quick course on composting as she pulled veggie scraps out of my trash and put together a makeshift composting bin right there on the spot. Suffice it to say that now I’m actively composting thanks to her. She also helped me plant some mixed greens, parsley, and cilantro in my garden.

There are lots of growth experiences like this that have enriched my life as a result of connections made on social networking sites. Sometimes it’s easier to meet compatible people online than it is to meet them locally.

With a large enough online social network, face-to-face meetings can happen often. Almost every week someone from my network is visiting Las Vegas, so there are abundant opportunities to get away from the computer.

4. Accountability

When you post about your goals publicly, other people in your social network can hold you accountable. For example, I posted on my Twitter and Facebook accounts that I was writing a new article, so now I feel more accountable to finish it and get it posted. Otherwise people will keep asking me, “When is the new article gonna be done?”

You can also use social networking to hold your friends accountable to their commitments. I recently used Twitter to challenge a friend to a public bet. If she accepted the bet, she’d be publicly accountable for creating and posting an original new article by the end of the month, and I’d be on the hook as well. She took the bet. Obviously this takes some discretion since you could easily piss people off if you abuse it, but when used honorably, it can be an effective way to help your friends enjoy a little extra motivation. Knowing that the public eye is upon you can be very motivating.

When you commit to something publicly, you’re more likely to follow through, especially if it’s a difficult task. Social networking makes it very easy to post a public commitment. Try tweeting something like, “If I don’t have a new blog post up with 24 hours, I’ll post a tweet that I failed, and I’ll PayPal $20 to the first person after that who responds.”

5. Getting better, faster answers

Social networking sites make it easy to take advantage of the wisdom of crowds to get quick answers. Although each individual answer may not be that impressive (especially when they’re limited to 140 characters on Twitter), the big picture that emerges from dozens of replies can be quite illuminating.

For example, when I first got my Macbook Pro last month, I needed to acquire some software for it, including an HTML editor and an FTP program. I asked for suggestions on Twitter and Facebook, and within an hour I had lots of replies. I checked out a few of the most popular suggestions and ended up going with Coda for web editing and Transmit for FTP. Transmit is built into Coda though, so I can get by with just Coda. Before I tweeted about it, I’d never even heard of these applications. Being able to consult with my social network saved me a lot of time, and that same day I was already using the new software productively.

Another time I asked my social network for a good raw pesto recipe, and again I received lots of replies within hours.

In many ways this works better than a search engine.

6. Emotional support

Social networking can create a lot of loose connections, but it can also lead to some deeper connections that you may not even be aware of.

I’ve been particularly impressed by how much emotional support I receive from my social network when I’m going through major life changes.

When Erin and I announced our separation last month, we both received a lot of support from our online social networks. Despite the separation, I felt more socially integrated than ever. I never went through a period of isolation or disconnection. There were too many people in my life who would check in with me and offer advice and encouragement. I’ve never experienced such a high volume of personal communication as I did during the past month. I even bought a new Droid smartphone last week to help me keep up with it. (I really love that phone by the way.)

In some cases the support I receive from my online friends is greater than what I receive from my in-person friends who don’t connect with me online. My Twitter and Facebook friends see my daily updates and have a good pulse on what I’m up to, but my in-person friends can actually drift more out of touch if I don’t see them that often. This has really shifted my understanding of relationships. In some ways I feel like certain people I only know online are more like family to me than the family I grew up with.

7. Activity partners

Finding activity partners is fairly easy to do with social networking sites, especially a site like meetup.com.

Pretty much anything I want to do now, I can use social networking to find at least a few people who share that interest, so if there’s something that interests me, I know I don’t have to do it alone.

In Las Vegas I often go to raw food potlucks. I went to one last weekend that had a Hawaiian theme. A year ago these potlucks were held once a month and would draw 15-20 people. Now they’re having such potlucks almost every week, and 25-40 people are showing up to each one. Everything is coordinated online through meetup.com.

I think it’s especially great to meet people through social networking who offer to teach me new things that I’ve always wanted to learn. It can be a lot faster to learn from someone in person than to sign up for a formal class or read a book about it.

8. Meeting interesting people.

Sometimes it’s nice to meet interesting people through social networking. This adds more variety and spice to life.

One day I got a postcard from a traveling couch surfer who was passing through Vegas, and he wanted to meet up. We got in touch via Twitter after midnight one night, and it turned out he was leaving Vegas early the next morning… in a matter of hours. Since I normally get up early anyway, I invited him to stop by my house before he left town. He came by just after 5am, and we talked for about 30 minutes. Then I gave him some bananas for the road. It was a quick connection, but it was fun to hear about some of the other cities he had visited and what he learned about them. And it was a unique way to start the day.

9. Making money

Although it hasn’t been my focus, I have made some extra money as a result of social networking. I did a few small business deals with people I met on social networking sites, all of which were profitable. I’ve also done at least a dozen interviews for people who found me through those sites, so I guess you could consider that free PR.

The total money that I can directly attribute to social networking contacts isn’t much… maybe an extra $5-10K in the past year with ongoing residual income of $200-500 per month. I use those sites primarily for personal networking (i.e. making friends), not to make money, so I regard these business deals as a side bonus. I’m sure I could do more in this area if I used those sites primarily for business reasons, but that doesn’t interest me right now. I derive more satisfaction from a good friendship than I do from a profitable business deal. This year my priority has been my social life, not my business.

I’m sure there has also been a boost in workshop registrations as a result of my presence on social networking sites, but I have no way to quantify that. If I had to guess, maybe it was an extra $5K or so for the first workshop (less than 10% of total registrations).

Your mileage here may vary. Obviously I didn’t have to start from scratch with social networking. I was able to “cheat” by leveraging my blog to build sizable networks on other sites. But I’m also in a nice situation where I don’t need to make any money at all from social networking. It’s enough for me if all the value is on the personal side; anything that happens on the professional side is gravy. That said, I think there’s enough potential in social networking that if you really wanted to, you could probably make a decent living from it.

Drawbacks

Social networking isn’t all roses. Here are some drawbacks you may experience if you get a little too involved.

1. Loss of privacy

When I first started blogging and my blog became popular fairly quickly, I was still able to keep my private life separate from my public life. I had a certain degree of online fame that was linked to my name, but in the offline world I was just Steve.

With each passing year, however, that line gets fuzzier. This shift noticeably accelerated as I became more active in social networking circles.

There are many photos of me on my Facebook account, and other people have posted photos with me on their blogs or Facebook accounts too. We recently added avatars to our online forums, so my picture can also be found next to every message I’ve ever posted there. And my Twitter account shows my photo too. A lot of people know me not just by name; they also know what I look like.

Consequently, I’m getting recognized in public more frequently. This doesn’t happen when I’m just walking down the street, but it often happens when I’m at some kind of group gathering. Chances are that someone will recognize me even if I don’t introduce myself. In September when I was at Six Flags Magic Mountain (a theme park in California), someone actually recognized me by the sound of my voice while I was chatting with a friend in line for one of the rides, and we weren’t even talking about anything related to my work.

This doesn’t bother me since I’m a very social, open person, and I’m very welcoming of new connections. However, it does create consequences for my relationships with other people. In some ways I think it makes it a bit harder for people to connect with me because it’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to keep my public and private lives separate, and some people would prefer to hang out with me without having to worry that it might end up on someone’s blog or Facebook page the next day.

As a result I’ve had to establish some boundaries, especially with respect to what I’m willing to share publicly and what I’ll keep offline. For example, if I have dinner with someone, should I tweet about connecting with that person? Well, it depends. In some cases no one would be bothered by it, and the people in our overlapping social network may respond with something like, “Cool… nice to see that you two finally got together in person.” But on the other hand, if people would interpret that dinner as a romantic date, and it leads to online rumors to that effect, then it has a potentially unwanted impact.

Unfortunately I’m not very good at making these distinctions yet. I tend to underestimate how intuitive or observant other people are. But I can see that it would be naive and unwise to subject various private situations to public feedback and hope for the best. Nevertheless it’s still unclear how to best handle these situations, so I’m always making decisions on a case by case basis. I don’t value my own privacy much, but I do respect other people’s desire for privacy, so when in doubt I simply ask the other person how s/he feels about it, and if there’s any doubt, I just keep quiet about it.

That alone isn’t enough though. It’s one thing for me to keep certain details offline, but the rest of the world doesn’t always cooperate. On some level I think there are really no secrets and that privacy is a bit of a delusion. Quite often when I share something private with a close friend, it turns out they already knew about it, either by intuition or keen observation.

Interestingly though, this is an area where my social network has been of great help. By sharing these challenges with select individuals who’ve been through something similar, it helps me see the big picture and make more intelligent choices. So even though some privacy may be lost, something else is gained.

Another side effect is that my loss of privacy becomes yet another area of compatibility to explore with certain people. I feel a certain kinship with those who are in the same boat as me, such as other bloggers who struggle with similar challenges. I’ve had some pretty deep discussions about various ways to handle it, but there doesn’t seem to be much of a consensus. My most promising approach seems to be to favor connections with people who can accept and handle my situation and be as forgiving about it as possible. People who are very private don’t make good matches for me because my lifestyle isn’t compatible with high levels of privacy.

The point is to be aware that active social networking is going to reduce your privacy, possibly in ways that surprise you. On balance I think the pros outweigh the cons, but this comes down to individual preference. If you share a great deal of your life online, realize that other people will begin to notice things about you that you thought were private, and this degree of transparency may push you beyond your comfort zone. You may feel more naked and vulnerable than usual. That takes some getting used to.

2. Social resistance to change

Active social networking opens you up to being heavily influenced by others. In a way it subjects you to a new form of social conditioning. Once your network knows you a certain way, it may resist some of your attempts to grow and change.

When you announce to your network that you’re making a big change, you can expect some resistance in response. When Erin and I announced our separation, some people reacted as if we’d just destroyed their reality. A couple people unfriended me on Facebook because they couldn’t handle my not being married anymore.

Fortunately social networks tend to be very adaptable. While you may lose some friends who were only friends with you conditionally, you’ll gain new friends for similar reasons. I seemed to have made some new divorced friends, for instance.

In the long run, I find that the closest friends in my social network become more unconditional over time. My path of personal growth and exploration naturally weeds out the conditional connections, i.e. the people who are only willing to have me in their reality if I align with their particular prejudices.

Yesterday I was talking to one friend by phone, someone I initially met online more than a year ago. We were talking about conditional vs. unconditional friendships, and she said to me, “Steve, there’s nothing you could say or do that would make me want to kick you out of my life.” I was really touched by that. I feel the same about her too. It’s nice to have people in my life who can accept me completely as I am, regardless of how I may grow and change over the years.

Even though dealing with social resistance can be difficult at first, the long-term benefit is that the friends that can survive your ups and downs, your crazy experiments, and your major life upheavals will likely be the greatest friends you could ever wish for. They’ll be people who know you better than you know yourself.

3. Emotional dependency

Social networking can lead to some very deep connections. You can get pretty wrapped up in other people’s lives and share a lot of intimacy with certain people. This isn’t likely to come about merely by posting status updates, but it can happen as a result of individual connections you build with people in your network.

I have made some pretty deep friendships with people I’ve met online. Many of these have led to offline connections. We talk by phone and/or meet in person when possible. A lot of intimacy can be shared, especially if we have a great deal in common. In general this is a wonderful thing to experience.

But sometimes I get so wrapped up in other people’s lives that I find it hard to disconnect at the end of the day. Since their status updates keep me informed of what they’re up to each day, I start to live vicariously through them. I have to remind myself to let go, re-center myself, and get back to living my own life.

I know that some people have this with me as well. They become a bit too dependent on what I’m up to. If I don’t post a status update for a while, they may contact me directly to see what I’m up to.

Social networking can blur the boundaries between our lives and those of others. At some point you may have to remind yourself that you’re still an individual, and you need to live your own life. Let social networking enhance who you are, but don’t allow it to define who you are.

How to use social networking productively

Here are some tips for using social networking productively.

1. Clarify what you want

What do you expect to gain from social networking? Why bother with it?

Social networking is very flexible. You can use it for a variety of different purposes. It’s up to you to define what you want from it. There are no right or wrong answers here.

I decided to get into social networking primarily to build a bigger and deeper network of highly compatible friends. The keyword for me is compatible. It’s easy enough to meet people locally, but due to my unorthodox lifestyle, I tend to meet only partial matches when I do that. I don’t do well finding compatible matches among the general population — it’s mostly misses and near misses with too few hits. However, online social networking makes it a lot easier to find people who can make great long-term friends.

From those initial casual friendships, I can also build some very deep intimate connections.

Another reason I got into social networking was to provide more value to people. For example, it only takes seconds for me to post a Twitter/Facebook status update that offers some words of encouragement or that challenges people to reconsider some part of their lives. Time-wise this is a high leverage investment. Some people have told me they’ve started new businesses because of something I wrote about in a status update, and those updates are only 140 characters max.

I’m not particularly interested in using online networking for business reasons, although I know that many people are. I have all the business contacts I can handle, and I really don’t need more of the same. But what sometimes happens is that I end up doing business with a friend from my social network, so some professional benefits can be gained without even trying.

Many people who use social networking primarily for business come across as too fake and phony for my tastes. I can’t really get to know them as individuals because most of their messages appear to be motivated by numbers (more sales, more followers, PR, etc). At this point in my life, that isn’t the type of connection I want to have.

2. Figure out how to network in a way that will fulfill your desires

Once you’re clear on what you want, it’s time to come up with a basic social networking strategy that meets your needs.

Here’s a simple rule of thumb: Whatever you want to get, give it.

If you want to make new friends, it helps to be a good friend to others. If you want to drum up business, help other people succeed in business. If you want to experience more growth, help other people grow.

Whatever you share frequently, you’re going to attract more of.

For example, I have hundreds of raw foodists in my social networks because I often share details of my life as a raw foodist. I also have thousands of personal growth enthusiast in my networks because I love to share growth tips and advice. Consequently, my social network makes it very easy for me to connect more closely with raw foodists and growth seekers — exactly the types of people I most enjoy having as friends. Facebook is particularly good for this because of the overlapping nature of social networks.

Since I also like to have fun, I joke around and tease people from time to time. This attracts similar people to my network. Now I have people in my life that are good at identifying and pushing my buttons just as I do for others. I really hate those people sometimes!

3. Stick to your strategy.

Stay focused on your reasons for social networking. Are you getting what you want out of it? Or are you just wasting time?

Facebook, for example, is cluttered with lots of cutesy apps. Every day I receive requests to install several of them, which I always ignore. Go ahead and play around with them if that’s what you want. Send people virtual donuts for their birthdays. I never bother with that stuff because I find it a waste of time. I didn’t join Facebook just to spend more time on my computer.

Do what works for you, and forget the rest.

4. Create a communication funnel.

I can’t possibly maintain close friendships with thousands of people at the same time; that would be untenable. But it’s also foolish to randomly select people to be close friends with since then I won’t get very compatible matches.

One thing that helped me a lot was to create a communication funnel. It basically looks like this:

Public status updates -> Private email or direct messaging -> Talking by phone -> Meeting in-person -> Ongoing relationship

When you find someone who seems compatible with you on some level, escalate them to the next level in your funnel. Start connecting via private email for starters. If that looks good, move to the phone and have an in-depth conversation. And if that looks good, try to meet in person if you can. If that turns out well, you may be able to establish a long-term friendship or business relationship, depending on what you’re looking for. There are variations on how you can apply this, but overall this is a pretty natural progression that many people use without thinking about it. I do think it helps to be consciously aware of it though since then you can remember to invite a frequent emailer to start connecting by phone, which makes it easier to build a deeper connection.

In a typical week, I might connect via email with a few dozen new people, I might have phone calls with a few new people, and I might meet someone face to face — all people that came from my online social network.

Social networking has been working very well for me, and I’ve made some amazing connections because of it. Consequently, I’m now putting the bulk of my attention on the long-term friendship and intimacy side. I’m more focused on exploring and deepening existing connections rather than trying to cultivate lots of new ones. I’m still open to new connections, but I’m a bit more selective with them because I’m already enjoying so much abundance in this area.

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Overall I think social networking is a great outlet for building conscious relationships with compatible people, especially if you have a lifestyle that’s far from social norms. This pursuit has enhanced my life in so many ways during the past year that I can’t even fathom calling it unproductive.