You Know You Are a Raw Foodist When…

September 16th, 2008 by Steve Pavlina

… your microwave oven has been converted into a sprout and herb garden.

… you can’t remember the last time you visited the “other side” of the grocery store.

… you measure the time since your last illness in decades.

… you spend more time thinking about digestion than sex.

… you consume your own body weight in less than a month.

… you believe that $5 is a fair price for a 3-oz piece of chocolate.

… you feel confident that you could survive on Gilligan’s Island — and you know you can make a better coconut cream pie than Mary Ann.

… your diet is a combination of the diets of bonobos, cows, and plankton.

… you can identify every item in the produce section.

… the grocery checker has to look up the codes for half of your items; the other half she must ask you to identify.

… you gladly offer to “help out” any friends with fertility problems; they decline because they just want one baby, not a litter.

… you fantasize about a raw foods version of Costco.

… you store produce in your oven.

… you’ve turned down lunch invites for logistical reasons.

… your blender costs more than your car (and has a better warranty).

… you own functional kitchen equipment made of bamboo.

… you weight train by grocery shopping.

… your last remaining addiction is a bean.

… you spell juice fasting with an extra e.

… you don’t believe in pre-detox sex.

… you can make a salad from your backyard, even if you don’t have a garden.

… you know how to cure cancer, heart disease, and diabetes… but no one believes you.

… something in your kitchen is currently underwater.

… you know the difference between raw and really raw when it comes to foods like almonds, tahini, and agave nectar.

… it disturbs you when people start talking about really, really raw.

… you want to try solar gazing soon.

… you refer to the Food Network as the Horror Channel.

… your diet helps restore the hearing you lost from using your blender.

… you call yourself a chef and/or coach even though you’ve never been to school for either.

… you know what Cassandra felt like.

… your first name is an emotion, an adjective, or an insect.

… you shop for clothes in the children’s section.

… your bathroom is devoid of reading material.

… vegans ask you, “But where do you get your protein?” (Some things never change.)

… you qualify potential dating partners based on their level of toxicity.

… your job title begins with the words raw, eco, or alternative.

… your health care practitioner’s job title ends in -path or -ist.

… your crackers cost more than $1 per ounce.

… you meet a breatharian and have to ask, “But where you do get your protein?”

… your breakfast smoothies contain items from six continents, four oceans, and a volcano.

Got more? Share them in the forum discussion. :)


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