Risk vs. Reward in Human Relationships
September 15th, 2005 by Steve Pavlina
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In the previous post, we identified some fears that hold people back from taking more social risks, including the fear of others forming a negative opinion of you and the fear of hurting others through social interaction with them, fears that would be eliminated if you were dealing only with computer-generated characters in a simulation instead of real-life human beings.
I think these points are valid to a degree. You would incur less social risk with a simulation as opposed to real humans.
But consider an alternative viewpoint…
You cannot do much to help simulated characters grow or contribute to their lives in a meaningful way (at least not with today’s simulations). But you can have this kind of positive impact with real human beings.
What would happen if instead of focusing on the fear of negative consequences from social interaction, you focused on the anticipation of positive consequences, such as forming new friendships, helping people grow, making people laugh, falling in love, etc.?
Would you not then be even more eager to socially interact with real human beings and less so with simulated ones? Would you rather hear “I love you” from a simulation or a real human being?
If it’s not real, then you take less social risk, but you also gain less reward. Dealing with real humans increases both the potential risk and the potential reward. Your actual behavior will be largely determined by which side you predominantly focus on — minimizing the downside or maximizing the upside.
When it comes to real-life human relationships, what’s the biggest risk in the long run? Is it the risk of committing social mistakes that may lead to embarrassment and hurt feelings? Or is it the risk of holding back and doing nothing, missing out on some potentially rewarding long-term relationships?
As I see it, a bit of occasional embarrassment is a small price to pay for the rich rewards of meaningful human relationships. Our imaginations can transform these fears into fire-breathing dragons, but in reality these fears are little more than puny imps guarding a massive treasure, easily defeated once you finally decide to face them down.
When I get involved in new social interactions, whether meeting new people, doing public speaking, or even blogging on topics such as these, I always run the risk of making a fool of myself. But I also have to consider the potential rewards of changing people’s lives, forming new friendships, and spreading ideas… not to mention all the long-term ripples that flow forth from those effects. And to me that possibility makes the risk very much worth taking because the potential upside is so much greater than the potential downside. As a practical matter, the worst realistic downside is a bruised ego or a damaged reputation. I’m OK with that though. Making a fool of myself now and then helps me not to take myself too seriously and to laugh at my own foibles. But I’m not OK knowing that someone I could have helped is living a life far below their potential because I sat on the sidelines and did nothing. To me that is too big a risk.
So recognize the (perhaps even greater) risk you take by avoiding social interaction — the laughs you never shared, the people you never helped, the potential spouse you sentenced to solitude…. That’s quite a price to pay simply to avoid a little (usually harmless) embarrassment.
September 15th, 2005 at 8:27 pm
Wow. Well put Steve. I think you’ve managed to push through the introversion/extroversion jumble and get to the meat of the matter: do you have the courage to build meaningful relationships with people? As for me, I’d really like to say “yes”, but the best I can muster right now is: maybe…sometimes. But I am working on it and with a little help from my friends, I’ll get there.
-Rick
PS Just as more food for thought: I think we’re talking about a difference between shy people versus outgoing people–not introversion versus extroversion. Introverted people aren’t necessarily shy and extroverted people aren’t necessarily outgoing. Let me try to explain.
Shyness is about hiding your self from others because you are afraid of judgement, and both introverts and extroverts can hide–they just do it differently.
An introverted shy person is someone who likes to be alone because it pains them to be around other people. They’re afraid. Not necessarily agoraphobic, just afraid of revealing who they are to others, and because they enjoy the comfort of their space, they tend to stay in their space.
An extroverted shy person seems outgoing, but they never make meaningful connections with people. Used car sales people come to mind as well as people who consider networking the act of handing out business cards. I think shy extroverts are the ones that give extroverts a bad name.
Introverted outgoing people and extroverted outgoing people actively seek out meaningful relationships with other people.
The difference, then, IMO, between introverts and extroverts is how you recharge your batteries. Introverts need time to themselves whereas extroverts never tire of the social scene.
Anyway, just a couple more thoughts added to an interesting conversation.
September 16th, 2005 at 1:18 am
I believe the main difference between introverted and extroverted people lies in ther foucs. Introverted people like me tend to focus on their own feelings and thoughts, while extroverts focus on their environment. This makes perfect sense if you give a little thought on those words’ ethymology.
Introverted people are usually shy because they feel out of control in a social environment. They are unable to “get” some of the everyday social subtleties.
You know how women are able to understand social bindings with just a short glance at a room full of people. I believe this happens because women value social relationships above everything else. They focus on their surrondings and become extroverted (even when they’re shy) because that’s what other people expect from them. A lifetime practice forges their characters.
Even though introverted, shy people might want to have more satisfying social lives, I also believe many of them are afraid to shift their focus. They are afraid to lose their inner life – which can be very fulfilling for them – and gain nothing as significative in return.
Anyone has further insights?
September 16th, 2005 at 4:45 am
I’m introverted, but I’m not shy. I see them as separate matters.
I have no problem wearing a funny hat out in public. I don’t worry what the guy next in line thinks about me. The people who’s opinions I concern myself about are the people I care about.
An introvert “recharges” by being alone or with small groups of trusted people. Extroverts recharge by being with large groups. Several hours with a crowd leaves me drained instead of energized. I usually go read a book or take a nap after a concert or going to a fair.
Teo – I’m female and do the social reading thing, but that’s a learned skill that anyone can pick up with practice.
September 16th, 2005 at 9:39 am
Awesome post! VERY helpful!!!
September 16th, 2005 at 1:29 pm
I love people. I just can’t juggle a schedule. If I knew how to effortlessly balance all my friends and their joys and their dramas and their birthdays and anniversaries and hang-out time and one-on-one time, I think I would. I’m afraid of constantly letting friends down, and I’m also afraid of getting in with uber-needy people, so right now, I don’t have any that I don’t see during already existing time committments (i.e. work, school).
I could track this down to friends I had in middle school and high school, but explaining it doesn’t excuse the way I’ve been acting. All I know is that I love all of my old friends, but they all hate my guts. It sucks. I guess it would suck more if they were — how did you phrase it? — “elevators” helping me reach my ultimate personal development, not balls-and-chains keeping me down with guilt and duty.
As a 20-something who recently left the nest with my significant other, who also recently left his nest… it’s hard to figure out where I stand socially, because I’m reinventing my whole social circle. That doesn’t come easy for me. All my social relationships always came premade, before, through church (which I no longer attend) or school (which I’ve taken two years off from). Now, I had to reinvent my relationship with my parents, with my boyfriend, and with his parents and friends. I haven’t even been able to start with finding my own circle of friends.
And does it scare me? Sure. I guess that makes me a shy extrovert, a fearer of risks in seeking out new relationships. But I’m no car salesman, lol!
September 17th, 2005 at 11:22 pm
Wow, some interesting comments here. I want to add my voice to the others who have pointed out that introversion need not imply shyness. I am strongly introverted but rarely shy (at least these days; things were rather different when I was in my teens and unsure of my social standing, but that seems to be an awkward time for most everyone). I’ve spoken in front of large audiences and live on local and national TV and radio shows, I’ve walked into situations where I knew virtually nobody and later had people exclaim how amazed they were at my comfort level, and I’ve found that I can go just about anywhere in the world, meet a bunch of local folks or fellow travelers, and (sometimes without even having a language in common) have a fantastic time.
And yet… I absolutely must have quiet time alone to recharge, or I become physically agitated and experience something like the feeling I get if I’ve had way way too much caffeine. Being around people at that point becomes almost nauseating. It’s not that I don’t like people or value relationships — I think it’s simply that when people are chattering, which is what humans naturally tend to do when they get together, I’m unable to maintain the kind of internal dialogue that I rely on to consolidate my thoughts. And if I’m unable to engage in that introspection for an extended period, it’s utterly maddening.
I gather this sensation is alien to most people. Perhaps my friends are just predominantly extroverts, but they typically profess confusion when I try to describe my feelings on this topic. And the conflation of introversion and shyness in most people’s minds seems to contribute to their confusion; they often make remarks like, “How can you be an introvert, when you don’t seem at all shy?”
Incidentally, I also have a close friend who is a shy extrovert — more evidence for the claim that the introverted/extroverted and shy/outgoing dimensions are not entirely equivalent.
September 18th, 2005 at 6:39 pm
I found a lot of validating comments here.I did not know that introverts can also be outgoing. This is true for me, but not all the time. If I had a TV it would be all over; I’d never go out and resent having to go out. My nature is stay in the cave.
I also get very drained from spending a lot of time. Social demands have made me ill at times, I loathe talking on the phone. I have friends that call me a lot ‘just tpo chat’. I try very hard to honor this as I know that all relationships come with ’stuff’..but usually I feel trapped with the phone in my ear; caretaking their need to chat instead of my need to be silent.
I was the youngest in a large family of very outgoing, creative people. I recall that in my teens I loved being in certain social situations. I loved the people I was around, we had soulful creative connections.
As I have gotten older and had many a dissappiontment in this area, I realized that very few relationships have been painfree or risk free..the question is; did the effort of them result in a greater good for all involved?
The answer is unquestionably yes. Anything worth having is worth working for. I guess that I have learned that risks are well taken. HOwever, when it comes to my heart being brokens..I still have a long way to go.
September 20th, 2005 at 9:15 am
Great blog and subject. Well rounded approach, 21st centruy one could say, to personal development.
I am getting in to a relationshiop with someone I am not “attracted” to. I’ve known him for 10 years as a dear friend. He’s been openly in love with me, which frustrated me and almost ruines our friendship. But I’ve decided I’ll never find someone better, not so much out of lack of choices, but because he’s a pretty amazing person.
Intimacy is a very different chemistry than sexual attraction. Men fear intimacy. I know I do. Having sex with someone is less important in the long run than intimacy. And, to my surprise, I’m finding out that a deeply felt connection can lead to beautiful and rewarding sexual experiences.
September 23rd, 2005 at 10:13 am
insightful topic for extroverted and introverted alike.
while extroverted people may have problems understanding introverted people, especially the shyones, introverted people normally don’t have problems understanding the formal. At least that’s my own opinion.
For me, it’s really hard to express myself in front of unfamiliar people. I hardly socialise and if I do, it’s usually the introverted and sometimes shy people. it seems easier to relate to the like. i really aspire to be an outgoing introverted person with a great friendly personality.
Meanwhile, i’m still struggling with a personality crisis. People still do not have a clue to how i exactly am like as a person.