Comments on: Improving Social Skills http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/ Personal Development for Smart People Fri, 16 May 2008 06:41:20 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5 By: Agnes http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9601 Agnes Fri, 16 Sep 2005 15:05:40 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9601 For me - who's having low self-esteem and is constantly thinking of not being as 'good', 'beautiful', 'interesting'... you name it, as other people - the best way to get over my fear of being around strangers or people I barely know is... well, to just go and be around them! :) This might sound quite weird, but I think one of the best ways to improve your 'social skills' is to 'stretch' yourself. I've once heard this quote by someone whose name I've sadly forgotten, anyway, it goes something like "Being afraid, shaking in my boots in order to stretch myself is probably my favourite state." I didn't use to understand that, but actually, when you're in a situation that's quite unknown, not ordinary, your brain starts to work and you become very productive. So I can only recommand that! For me - who’s having low self-esteem and is constantly thinking of not being as ‘good’, ‘beautiful’, ‘interesting’… you name it, as other people - the best way to get over my fear of being around strangers or people I barely know is… well, to just go and be around them! :)
This might sound quite weird, but I think one of the best ways to improve your ’social skills’ is to ’stretch’ yourself. I’ve once heard this quote by someone whose name I’ve sadly forgotten, anyway, it goes something like “Being afraid, shaking in my boots in order to stretch myself is probably my favourite state.” I didn’t use to understand that, but actually, when you’re in a situation that’s quite unknown, not ordinary, your brain starts to work and you become very productive. So I can only recommand that!

]]> By: Anonymous http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9595 Anonymous Fri, 16 Sep 2005 09:31:43 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9595 Please excuse my bad English. I am not a native speaker. I was a very shy individual even before high school. In high school, I'm not sure why, but I became more and more shy. I lacked social skills completely. Maybe this has to do with being raised until 6 years old by a relative who didn't let me play with other children and who was criticizing me every day. In college I tried to find a fix for my shyness problem. I read lots and lots of psychology and self-improvement books, and tried to apply them. Almost nothing worked. When I tried to reach out and talk to people, I made bad mistakes and was rejected. I was getting more and more shy. I couldn't talk to girls at all - I blushed very hard, etc. I was close to dropping out of college because I feared the social interaction. I done ok in classes, but every day I dreaded going to class and meeting my mates. At the end of college I got a part-time job. I loved programming, but I could barely handle the social interactions. I started taking Xanax from time to time to control my social fear. At the age of 21 I was very depressed about this, so I went to see a psychologist. I went to therapy 2 times a week. Each therapy session took about 2 hours and consisted from: 1. hypnosis 2. REBT (Rational Emotional Behavioral Therapy) or role-play (psychodrama) In 4 months I had already made HUGE progresses. My social skills improved a lot. I was no longer afraid of social interaction. My college grades and job situation improved a lot. I have continued my therapy, and after 7 months of therapy I was able to get a girlfriend, and I was very happy. After that, I stopped therapy because I felt that I could improve on my own... and I did. Another thing that helped me improve my social skills, but only after therapy was the fact that I became substitute teacher at a high school. This has made me always dress OK, talk to groups of high school students, etc. It was very hard in the beginning but after a while it got easier and it paid off. I also had a few ocasions of speaking in front of many people, and they went ok. Unfortunately Toastmasters is not available in my country. I believe the most important social skill is to like being in society and interacting with people. If you have this very important social skill, the other social skills will easily improve. I am VERY glad that I went to a psychologist, and I'm very sorry that I didn't do this earlier in my life. A lot of pain could have been avoided. Please excuse my bad English. I am not a native speaker.

I was a very shy individual even before high school. In high school, I’m not sure why, but I became more and more shy.

I lacked social skills completely.

Maybe this has to do with being raised until 6 years old by a relative who didn’t let me play with other children and who was criticizing me every day.

In college I tried to find a fix for my shyness problem. I read lots and lots of psychology and self-improvement books, and tried to apply them.

Almost nothing worked. When I tried to reach out and talk to people, I made bad mistakes and was rejected. I was getting more and more shy.

I couldn’t talk to girls at all - I blushed very hard, etc.

I was close to dropping out of college because I feared the social interaction. I done ok in classes, but every day I dreaded going to class and meeting my mates.

At the end of college I got a part-time job. I loved programming, but I could barely handle the social interactions. I started taking Xanax from time to time to control my social fear.

At the age of 21 I was very depressed about this, so I went to see a psychologist. I went to therapy 2 times a week. Each therapy session took about 2 hours and consisted from:

1. hypnosis

2. REBT (Rational Emotional Behavioral Therapy) or role-play (psychodrama)

In 4 months I had already made HUGE progresses. My social skills improved a lot. I was no longer afraid of social interaction.

My college grades and job situation improved a lot.

I have continued my therapy, and after 7 months of therapy I was able to get a girlfriend, and I was very happy.

After that, I stopped therapy because I felt that I could improve on my own… and I did.

Another thing that helped me improve my social skills, but only after therapy was the fact that I became substitute teacher at a high school. This has made me always dress OK, talk to groups of high school students, etc. It was very hard in the beginning but after a while it got easier and it paid off.

I also had a few ocasions of speaking in front of many people, and they went ok. Unfortunately Toastmasters is not available in my country.

I believe the most important social skill is to like being in society and interacting with people. If you have this very important social skill, the other social skills will easily improve.

I am VERY glad that I went to a psychologist, and I’m very sorry that I didn’t do this earlier in my life. A lot of pain could have been avoided.

]]> By: Stephen http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9575 Stephen Fri, 16 Sep 2005 00:14:29 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9575 I recently read "The Art of Living Consciously" by Nathaniel Branden in which he related a suggestion he gave a shy person to try at a party. He told her to concentrate on noticing how much you can see and hear. Notice in detail what people are wearing. Notice the furniture and decorations in the room. Observe the color of the eyes of whomever you’re talking to. Pay attention to the tone of voice in which people speak. Try to hear every word said in your presence. Aggress on the environment with your senses. He says when we are frightened, we typically pull energy in to our center, seeing less, hearing less – shrinking consciousness precisely when we need to expand it. Keep your energy flowing outward to let consciousness triumph over fear. I've tried this once it is does help. I recently read “The Art of Living Consciously” by Nathaniel Branden in which he related a suggestion he gave a shy person to try at a party. He told her to concentrate on noticing how much you can see and hear. Notice in detail what people are wearing. Notice the furniture and decorations in the room. Observe the color of the eyes of whomever you’re talking to. Pay attention to the tone of voice in which people speak. Try to hear every word said in your presence. Aggress on the environment with your senses.

He says when we are frightened, we typically pull energy in to our center, seeing less, hearing less – shrinking consciousness precisely when we need to expand it. Keep your energy flowing outward to let consciousness triumph over fear.

I’ve tried this once it is does help.

]]> By: Neil http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9570 Neil Thu, 15 Sep 2005 22:47:20 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9570 To take this another step once you are in a social situation, say on your own in a room of people who are all in varying sizes of groups how do you join in a group? Just stand on the edge, listen and join in if interesting? Guess I answered my own question :) How about the other side of the coin - if your talking with one person and the conversation is 'finished' and it's time to mingle more how do you move on? You could say about getting another drink or going to the toilet, but your can't use these 'excuses' too often! Any polite ideas people can use? What about the situation where you are standing next to the chairman or senior manager, what's a good opening (and open) question to start conversation off? Without sounding wishy washy or trying to ingratiate yourself. Some great articles Steve and they get you thinking. To take this another step once you are in a social situation, say on your own in a room of people who are all in varying sizes of groups how do you join in a group? Just stand on the edge, listen and join in if interesting? Guess I answered my own question :)

How about the other side of the coin - if your talking with one person and the conversation is ‘finished’ and it’s time to mingle more how do you move on? You could say about getting another drink or going to the toilet, but your can’t use these ‘excuses’ too often! Any polite ideas people can use?

What about the situation where you are standing next to the chairman or senior manager, what’s a good opening (and open) question to start conversation off? Without sounding wishy washy or trying to ingratiate yourself.

Some great articles Steve and they get you thinking.

]]> By: Greg http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9565 Greg Thu, 15 Sep 2005 19:30:24 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9565 Once again, great information, Steve. And thanks to Rick for your insights into social skills. Clearly practice makes perfect here, but every little bit of advice helps, especially in those awkward moments of silence where you're not really sure how to keep things going. Once again, great information, Steve. And thanks to Rick for your insights into social skills. Clearly practice makes perfect here, but every little bit of advice helps, especially in those awkward moments of silence where you’re not really sure how to keep things going.

]]> By: Rick Cecil http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9561 Rick Cecil Thu, 15 Sep 2005 17:52:39 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/improving-social-skills/#comment-9561 Very good points, Steve. I've been working to improve my social interaction skills for the past 4 months or so and have felt that my biggest successes come when I relax and go with the flow of the conversation. Like many shy people, though, relaxing in new social situations is tough for me. I am very resistant to engaging in conversation with people I haven't met before or engaging in conversation with a large group of people. I do excellent in one-on-one situations or in small groups, though, and am working to overcome my resistance to these other social situations. That's where I find some of these low-level techniques helpful. I think that most people, introverts and shy people included, know how to engage people in conversations, but it's resistance or fear that keeps shy people from engaging people in uncomfortable situations. I've found that remembering one of these low level techniques and actively applying it helps me to relax--helps me to get into the flow. When I actively apply one of these tehcniques, the act reminds my mind how to communicate with other people and helps me to relax. It might take 1-2 minutes to get into the flow, but off I go. Anyway, I know you're getting a bit of flack for this series of posts about introversion vs. extroversion, but I found it very interesting and worthwhile. Keep it up, man! -Rick Very good points, Steve. I’ve been working to improve my social interaction skills for the past 4 months or so and have felt that my biggest successes come when I relax and go with the flow of the conversation. Like many shy people, though, relaxing in new social situations is tough for me. I am very resistant to engaging in conversation with people I haven’t met before or engaging in conversation with a large group of people. I do excellent in one-on-one situations or in small groups, though, and am working to overcome my resistance to these other social situations. That’s where I find some of these low-level techniques helpful.

I think that most people, introverts and shy people included, know how to engage people in conversations, but it’s resistance or fear that keeps shy people from engaging people in uncomfortable situations. I’ve found that remembering one of these low level techniques and actively applying it helps me to relax–helps me to get into the flow. When I actively apply one of these tehcniques, the act reminds my mind how to communicate with other people and helps me to relax. It might take 1-2 minutes to get into the flow, but off I go.

Anyway, I know you’re getting a bit of flack for this series of posts about introversion vs. extroversion, but I found it very interesting and worthwhile. Keep it up, man!

-Rick

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