There are books on how to “pick up women.” Probably websites, too. I haven’t read them and wouldn’t necessarily recommend them. Something like that might get you off the starting block. Or they might just point you in the wrong direction for meaningful interaction. I couldn’t say for sure.

There is one book that I would recommend that has a lot of good advice on making friends that applies to your interactions with girls, guys, relatives, faculty, employers, employees, etc.– all people and all kinds of relationships. It is by Dale Carnegie called “How to Win Friends and Influence People” (1936) which is in part a manual for social skills. It has a rather unfortunate title, because it sounds like a manual for manipulating people, which it is not. There is also a book called “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” that would help you deal with the different ways that men and women communicate. It is mostly for married couples, but a lot of it applies to socializing and dating, too.

The other thing I would say is that socializing with or meeting girls at a night club is not the best idea, especially if you are not a night club kind of guy. And it sounds like you are not. I’m not sure how a 17 year old gets into a night club anyway (not legal where I am from). You need a friendlier environment where people will let their guard down. In my opinion, a night club is about the worst place possible to meet or socialize unless you happen to be John Travolta. Like I said before, a school club or activity is ideal. Maybe you can tutor other students in an area that you are strong in. Maybe there are committees for certain projects at school. Are you a member of a church with a youth group? Do some volunteer work? If none of these things exist, maybe start one. Don’t bother starting a club for internet gaming, since that will only draw guys. You want a slam dunk way to meet a lot of girls? Join or start an after-school class or club to teach social dance. That will not only draw girls, but it will put them in your arms. These are the things that are likely to actually work. Don’t wast your time in night clubs. Take it from someone who has wasted many years in them. Night clubs are ideal if all you want is a one-night-stand and an STD.

I do not want to get this thread too far off topic, so if you want to hear more from me, drop me an email at:
bt.StevePavlina AT pobox.e4ward.com

Good Luck.

thanks for the reply…appreciate it.

as you said 17 is an awkward age, and as you said the hardest part is “breaking the ice” well that IS the hardest part….as I said before, it seems at my school is the only time (during class) I get the “oppurtunity” to speak to them ( very short oppurtunity before the teacher screams at us) that part is easy….but as soon as I am out of school, say for example a night club if I see some girl i know from my school, I either greet her or she greets me, THAT is where it ends…she would probably walk off or something, also approaching a girl you have never met before is pretty much like walking up mount everest, if someone had to look at me I would look like your average party going animal, but actually my social skillz need a lot of work.

are their any books you guys would recomend?
thx in advance

Ryan

As for the girls, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It is impossible to talk to a girl if you are focused on trying to get a prom date from the first hello. Try not to think of them so much as potential prom dates, but rather just other people, like your guy friends, that have a unique set of interests. Once you get past the first hello and find a common interest, getting to know someone (guy or girl) will proceed naturally from there. Once you have a relationship based on a common interest, you can start working on dating or prom. A great way to break the ice is to be involved in the same school club or activity with someone. Note: drooling over her womanly virtues is not considered something you have in common. Also note that you should try to network with lots of different girls, even those you would not be interested in taking to prom or may not think you would like to hang out with. You knever know who they will introduce you to. It might just be that her sister is best friends with the homecoming queen and bingo, you are the Prom King.

17 is an akward age. And high school has a strange set of social intricacies that is like living on another planet. Those are just the facts. Remember that as akward as you feel, everyone else feels pretty much the same way even though they are not showing it. You will not be 17 forever, and when you are 28 and you get the invitation to your high school reunion, you are going to think to yourself, “I have no idea why I found that so intimidating. They were just a bunch of akward teenagers lust like me.” And when you actually go to that reunion, you will be amazed at the number of women who will privately confess to you of having had a crush on that mysterious, aloof guy who spent all his time on the internet but never had time to talk to them. If only you had known then. And now you do.

some advice?

I have been thinking about the reason why socializing is energy-draining so I try to notice what’s going on when I socialize. Maybe it’s because I listen too carefully when making conversation with people and I realize that, when I come home, I can still remember what we were saying to each other and I would still try to make a logic out of it. And that requires some brain energy, which is why it’s so exhausting. And No, I can’t force myself not to listen carefully when I talk to people.

I don’t think introvert/extrovert is something like black and white. There is a grey area in the middle. And people in the middle might find it possible to gain energy from both types if they are willing to change themselves while others might not be able to do that. Of course they can practice extrovert skills but will never gain energy from being extrovert at all.

Where would books and inventions come from, if all we had left was salespeople?

*I genuinely love salespeople and recognize that pretty much everything I have done in my life is in part dependent on their efforts to bring it to the public and get us paid for it. But perhaps some good things in our society depend on A) having introverts and B) letting people be introverts.

My own introversion has taken the form of an arc–extreme during childhood, less so while married and parenting, and now returning to its natural extreme in old age. I don’t lack social skills, but I do suffer boredom in the presence of most people. Factors nobody has mentioned are your intelligence compared to those around you and whether being with other people on a regular basis offers anything of value. I have projects that are important to me, and socializing not only depletes my energy, it takes time that is better spent doing something that is more enjoyable and useful.

Most humans are pack animals? Quite true. Would our species be better off if we were all pack animals? I doubt it.

The Introvert Advantage

I, like the author of this article, am an introvert. After reading this book, I was able to live my life in a way that suited me, rather than trying to be extroverted against my nature.

The most important thing that this book does is that it dispels the notion that introversion is a negative thing. You also learn that it is not a SOCIAL thing. In fact, introversion has to do with the way that your mind deals with new information. An introvert processes things that they experience through their reasoning and verbal centers. In short, it costs an introvert energy to go to a party. It’s easy to get overwhelmed. An extrovert skips these steps and just gets a charge out of it.

The key difference is how both types recharge themselves. Extroverts recharge themselves by going to a party, and an introvert recharges themself by doing quiet activities, to let their brains rest. The earlier post of the person who tried too hard to “become an extrovert” probably got that way because you didn’t let your brain relax the way that it needs.

I am quite introverted, but I have a ton of friends, and a busy social calendar. The way I do this is that I also leave a lot of time to be alone, I avoid parties, and recharge myself by reading, or other quiet things, alone. It’s a question of balance.

If you a serious about learning more about your nature, and getting better tools to achieve balance in a way that’s best for you, read this book. It’s at most local libraries.

I’ve noticed that context, the social group, has a large impact on what is called introversion-extroversion.

I’ve seen people who act in a very extroverted way in some groups and clam up in others. With regular exposure to groups they identify with I can imagine them migrating across the intro-exo spectrum. (You mention a change like that in yourself.) This might be because they “open up the armour” or “let their guard down” most of the time when they start expecting encounters with humans that are actually worth anything.

If that is a reasonable way to think of it, I imagine it would tie in with generalised muscular tension (stress-tension).

I guess there are promiscuously extroverted people and other who are selective about it!

Last night I stayed home and read a fiction book, and I very much enjoyed it and found it energizing in a way. Later today I’ll be giving a speech to an audience of about 40 people, and there will be lots of socializing, both with people I know and people I’m just meeting for the first time. I’m looking forward to that as another energizing experience.

Your particular polarity may have been conditioned into you, or it may even be in-born, but it’s not set in stone unless you make it so.

I have heard that a good definition of what makes an extrovert or an introvert on Myer’s-Briggs (I am NOT an expert and could be wrong) is merely “What charges your batteries?” I say this in response to your curiosity about introverts that find socializing “exhausting”. That is THE definition of introversion IMO. Introversion, as defined by MB (and other personality tests) does NOT mean a person cannot socialize or interact with people (this is certainly true about SOME “I”s but not all). It just means it won’t be their first choice. And when they do it, it will be tiring not energizing.

For me, I score high “I” on MB (58). So I would be considered strong introvert. I believe that this is an accurate assessment of me. And yet I LOVE people and have the confidence to engage in most any social situation. I have strong public speaking skills and it is one of favorite things to do. I prefer small parties to big parties. I WAY prefer parties with friends than with acquaitances and I prefer parties with acquaintances to strangers. I HATE social situations where the talk is trivial. But I am OK in these situation although they are not my favorite. And yet I will ALWAYS prefer time alone to time with groups (with the exception of my family).

I add this all just to say that the implications of some of the comments above that there is a HUGE difference between shyness and introversion are accurate, as far as I know. I know and love a lot of introverts. They are not social misfits or lacking in confidence. And on the whole, I prefer their company to extroverts.

Thought I would add my 2¢ worth.

Seth

PS

Your site has REALLY helped me. Keep it up.

I love being around my close friends… almost all the time. But once you throw into the mix one new person… its like a switch has been turned on in my head. I can literally feel my brain’s chemistry changing (I’ve seen brainscans of shy people vs extroverted people when put in social environments … the shy people have much more brain activity… like its getting overloaded… and that is exactly how I feel), and its nothing I can control. I am constantly put in these situations (usually on my own terms), so its not a matter of not having practice or experience in these situations. Its like I have lost ability to interpret my senses. And it gets worse as you add more and more people. Words spoken go straight through one ear and out the other, I become oblivious to the environment around me visually, and my memory starts to fail (I’ll even flat out make up things just because I can’t remember them.. even blatantly basic info like… what I did yesterday). I can always get by with small generic talk, but I know I always end up looking like a very shallow, uninteresting person. I could meet someone new, and then talk to him an hour later thinking I haven’t met him… I literally don’t remember what he looked like and what he said. And all of that is VERY draining on me.

Its a curse… I love the whole idea of people, but I can’t interact with them.