How to Go From Introvert to Extrovert
September 13th, 2005 by Steve Pavlina
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As a child I was very introverted, often spending my time on the computer, reading, playing video games, or pursuing other solo hobbies. I’d spend time outdoors biking, exploring the nearby fields and hills (which today are filled with houses), or shooting hoops, but I’d usually favor doing these things alone or with people I knew very well. I never felt too comfortable around strangers, and I never cared for big family events. Psychological tests like the Myers-Briggs pegged me squarely as an introvert. Anyone who knew me would have described me as an introvert without a second thought.
Like many introverts I was pressured by others to socialize more. But I largely resisted this pressure, partly because I enjoyed being an introvert. I often viewed extroverts as lacking in intelligence and depth, and I can’t say I wanted to count myself among them.
However, over a long period of time, I eventually found myself becoming more and more extroverted. I embraced spending time with other people, went out of my way to meet new people, could comfortably introduce myself to strangers, and actually enjoyed it. The Myers-Briggs test now labels me an extrovert. To the people who know me today, this wouldn’t be surprising.
I’m not the kind of extrovert I envisioned as a child though. I feel I’ve done a good job balancing the introvert and extrovert parts of myself, such that I enjoy both types of activities equally. I feel just as comfortable staying at home reading a book as I do going to a new social event and introducing myself to people I’ve never met. I enjoy both group and solo activities, each for different reasons. Some weeks I’m far more introverted and mostly stay home with my family. Other weeks I have a full social calendar with an event almost every night. I enjoy both just as much.
In order to become an extrovert, I found that I had to overcome several blocks to being more extroverted. Chances are that if you’re in the same boat, you have some of these blocks as well.
Blocks to becoming an extrovert
- Undervaluing extroversion. Spending time alone and with people are equally important. If you’re very introverted, you may undervalue the positive role people can play in your life, such as knowledge, friendship, growth, laughter, and so on. The optimal outcome is to strike a balance between the two. You don’t have to give up the introvert activities you enjoy. In fact, when you balance them with more social activities, you’ll probably find them even more satisfying. After several nights of being around people, I really look forward to a night by myself to read, meditate, write, etc. And after lots of time alone or with my family, I’m itching to go out and be around other people.
- Underdeveloped social skills. Social skills can be learned like any other skill set. One reason introverts shy away from social activities is that they don’t feel comfortable because they don’t know what to do, especially if the unexpected were to occur. Being able to start up a conversation with a stranger AND feel completely comfortable doing it is a learnable skill. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Embrace the fact that you’re a beginner, and don’t compare yourself to others.
- Envisioning yourself as the wrong kind of extrovert. If you find the extroverted people around you shallow and perhaps even annoying, why would you want to be more like them? You wouldn’t. When I was a kid, I really didn’t want to be more like the extroverts I knew. Even as an adult, my vision of an extrovert was an in-your-face salesperson who only wanted to build a shallow relationship with you so they could sell you something. It seemed very fake and phony to me. And of course that vision prevented me from ever wanting to be like that. But you needn’t choose such a limited vision for yourself — you’re free to form your own vision of a positive way to be more extroverted.
- Hanging out with the wrong people. Why would you want to spend more time with people you don’t like? If becoming more extroverted means spending more time with people you’d rather avoid, you’ll have no motivation to do it. Again, you’re free to break this pattern and form a social group that you’d love to be a part of.
- Overvaluing online socializing. Online socializing has its place in your life, but it’s a pale shadow compared to face-to-face, belly-to-belly communication. Voice and body language can communicate a lot more than text, and emotional bonds are easier and faster to establish in person. I feel much closer to the local friends I’ve known for only a few months than I do to the people I’ve known online for years but never met in person. It’s just not as fun going out to dinner with a laptop. You don’t have to do away with online socializing, but don’t allow it to crowd out meeting people locally. If you do that, you’ll only cause your interpersonal skills to lag further behind.
If you have some of these blocks and want to get past them, the first step is to acknowledge them and consider how they’re holding you back. Then begin to work on them just as you would any other challenge in your life. Focus your intentions, set goals, make plans, and start taking action. It may be awkward and clumsy at first, but just accept that, and get moving anyway.
Suggestions for becoming more extroverted
Here are some additional suggestions for how to become more extroverted:
- Envision the type of extrovert you’d like to be. What’s your ideal outcome? If you feel too introverted and want to be more extroverted, start by working on your vision of your outcome. Chances are that if you’ve been making little progress in this area, you have a somewhat negative vision of extroverts. When I formed a positive vision of being an extrovert that included building genuine relationships with intelligent people I respect (as opposed to random, shallow socializing), I soon began attracting those relationships. Being a “dumb jock” kind of extrovert still has no appeal to me.
- Think of relationships in terms of what you can give, not in terms of what you can get. If you seek to build new relationships based on mutual giving and receiving, you’ll have no shortage of friends. Identify people with whom you’d like to build a relationship, and start by giving. I’ve found that my geeky knowledge is actually a tremendous strength when it comes to socializing because there are an awful lot of non-geeks who’d like to understand geeky stuff better, and I can explain it to them in ways they’ll understand. For example, I’ve been teaching some local speaker friends about blogging and web marketing, and in return I’m learning a lot from them about speaking, humor, etc. There are many intelligent people out there who’d love to have a geek as a friend. What can you bring to a relationship that will be of benefit to someone else? When you figure out what that is (and it’s probably many different things), you’ll have an easier time attracting new friends into your life.
- Find the right social group for you. Consciously consider the types of people you’d want to have as friends. There’s no rule that says this has to be your peers or co-workers. I actually find myself more interested in making friends with people who are much older than me as opposed to people my own age or slightly younger. People around my age (34) tend to be very career- and family-oriented, but often in a somewhat mindless, socially conditioned way that isn’t centered around any consciously chosen life purpose or belief system. And people in their 20s, while often highly energetic, tend to be largely unfocused… or focused on trivial pursuits that just aren’t that important. So it’s been difficult for me to find people near my age where we have enough in common for a long-term friendship. I seem to have an easier time making friends with people in their 40s, 50, and older. They typically have greater knowledge and experience, more fascinating stories to share, more resources (information and ideas, financial resources, contacts), and a better sense of who they are and what they want to do with their lives. Often I find myself attending social events where I’m the youngest person in the room, but that feels very comfortable and normal for me. Don’t be afraid to stretch beyond the most obvious peer group and hang out with people from different ages, neighborhoods, cultures, countries, etc. You might find the variety to be a lot of fun.
- Play from your strengths. It’s interesting that many introverts have no trouble socializing online. In that environment they’re able to play from their strengths. But you can also use your strengths consciously as leverage to branch out into more face-to-face socializing. For example, after I graduated college, I met a woman on a local BBS (before there was much of a World Wide Web). We got to chatting online over a period of weeks. Eventually we met in person and became friends, and I soon fell into her pre-existing social group through osmosis. My social calendar went from empty to full almost overnight. That woman, by the way, has been my wife for the past 7.5 years. If you socialize online, see if you can’t use that strength to build new local relationships. While people have done this in global forums like online games, I think it’s easier to try it in local forums. For instance, there are message boards for people who’ve recently moved to Las Vegas.
- Join a club. It’s old advice, but it still works. The advantage is that you’ll find people who share similar interests, which makes it easier to build new relationships. One good club can fill your social calendar. For example, through my membership in Toastmasters, I get invitations to lots of other local social events. I don’t go to everything, but it’s nice to get those invites. Plus belonging to an international organization with 200,000 members worldwide creates social inroads around the planet. If you join a club and find that it’s not right for you, quit and join something else. My wife and I have both been through a number of local social groups that just didn’t resonate with us (too boring, too slow, too disorganized, too many alcoholics). But one good group is all you need.
- Develop your social skills consciously. You can learn to become better at building rapport, introducing yourself, keeping a conversation going, asking someone out on a date, feeling socially comfortable instead of nervous, and so on. You don’t need to be shallow and manipulative about it, but genuinely build these skills because it will greatly enhance your life. One approach I find extremely effective is to ask the other person how s/he got started in his/her current line of work. 80-90% of the time the person will say something like, “Well, that’s an interesting story….” And I genuinely like hearing these stories. A small basic set of social skills can go a long way because you’ll get to reuse them every time you meet someone. Whatever skill you’d like to develop, try doing a Google or Amazon search on it, and you’ll probably find plenty of articles and books.
Realize that when you hold yourself back from socializing, you’re not only depriving yourself — you’re also depriving other people of the chance to get to know you. How much longer do you want your future spouse or best friend to remain alone?
Here are some follow-up posts that further explore this topic:
September 13th, 2005 at 9:42 am
As you mature you often tend to balance. Extraverts find themselves becoming more introverted with age.
September 13th, 2005 at 10:12 am
Right. Just when I — a.k.a. ‘introBert — had found an acceptable excuse in The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney: introverts differ biochemically from extraverts: extroverts get off on dopamine and need to work hard to produce it; introverts, on the other hand, suffer from dopamine overload but are efficient processors of acetylcholine.
Now what?
September 13th, 2005 at 10:38 am
Bert: What is you opinion on that book? Looks interesting.
Steve: “The optimal outcome is to strike a balance between the two.” Does that only apply to introverts? How should the extrovert be more introverted?
September 13th, 2005 at 12:25 pm
I’m only half-way. I find it’s badly written (actual content could fit in a book half this size) but informative nonetheless.
September 13th, 2005 at 12:43 pm
Good stuff, I especially like “undervaluing extroversion” and “envisioning yourself as the wrong kind of extrovert”.
September 13th, 2005 at 12:57 pm
“Bert: What is you opinion on that book? Looks interesting.”
I’m not Bert, but I thought it was pretty good. I also liked “Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto”.
Frankly, this kind of thinking really pisses me off. Shyness is not the same as introversion. Being introverted is not some kind of disease, and there’s no need to change. Good people skills are a must for anyone, including the extrovert who loves to hear himself talk. I don’t believe for a second you can change innate personality.
September 13th, 2005 at 12:59 pm
This post reminded me of a former client–a sales manager who had become conversant with the Myers-Briggs. He surprised me when he said that his best salespeople were introverts who had learned a set of extrovert skills. He believed that they were more thoughtful and intentional about their extrovert-like behavior with others than many of his unaware extroverts.
This matches my experience as well. I show up in social and work situations often in my extrovert suit, and am pretty successful while wearing it. I do, however, find it exhausting, and usually need a long walk in the woods alone afterward.
September 13th, 2005 at 1:48 pm
@Dick Richards
I think another reason why introverts would be better sales people is because they are, from my experience, better listeners. I like what you said about a walk in the woods. I like to talk about introversion and extroversion in terms of energy. An introvert can easily engage in public speaking all day without any fears, but in the end they must find some alone time to re-energize. I’m an extrovert (ENTP type like Richard Feynman or “Q” from Star Trek) and I begin to talk to my cats if I’m left alone for too long. An interesting, impromptu conversation with a complete stranger is all it takes to get me energized. I think Extroversion can be heavily influenced by other components of one’s personality that it might be hard to talk about Extroversion in general terms. I know an ESFP that will talk compulsively and tell anyone whatever it is they think that person wants to hear. This type of extroversion repulses me, but at the same time I might find a nutball on the corner of a street screaming out incoherent apocalyptic prophesies to be very entertaining and interesting.
September 13th, 2005 at 2:04 pm
Steve, I’ve been following your advice to get to know people. One kind of fell through (a group for writers) but another one (an online forum for henna artists) almost immediately produced results! I got an offer to work with another member in the U.K. doing Web design, and I’ve gotten in invite to meet with another member who lives near me in the Bay Area. Now all I have to do is get the courage to call her and set a date.
The nice thing about henna is that it’s a lot more social than writing. LOL, a writer’s club is kind of like a club for introverts…
September 13th, 2005 at 2:05 pm
And I forgot to add — “geek skills” are priceless. When I started in the henna group, I kept an eye out for an opportunity to share my design and Web coding skills. I might also be helping with an annual publication, now. We’ll see!
September 13th, 2005 at 2:41 pm
I agree totally with Dick. I can do the social outings and perform very well with the socialization, but it really is exhausting. Usually after a night of partying, interviewing, or a day of long meetings, I want to retreat home, turn off all input, and be alone in my own thoughts.
September 13th, 2005 at 4:23 pm
Dave: I agree whole heartedly. I am an introvert. I hate when people tell me I need to be more extroverted. Yes, I could improve my skills at making small talk but I will never enjoy mingling with a group of new people or making cold calls. Yes, some people like Steve can tranistion between the two. But some of us are just flat out introverts. Steve has some good points about how to interact better with others. However, I will never be an extrovert just like I will never be an “feeling” type - I am a very strong “thinking” type.
September 13th, 2005 at 4:51 pm
Hope the text I wrote was coherrent, seeing as I can’t even spell my name right.
I’m off to go hibernate.
September 13th, 2005 at 6:10 pm
I do believe commenting only in a situation where you can really add to a discussion, but I really felt like saying something this lovely day, Steve.
I’d love to meet you in real life and starting a conversation. You’re a brilliant person and I love your blog and its contents. I can identify with many of your articles. In fact, I can identify with this article so much that I think we both had(I still do) the same personality in this aspect to say the least.
September 13th, 2005 at 6:13 pm
Steve,
Excellent points on becoming more of an extrovert. One suggestion for a future article would be tips on developing social skills. I think that is a big one for many people. I know even when I’m out and about expend so much mental energy figuring out how to start, develop, or join conversations, that I’m exhausted and uncomfortable by the end of the evening.
Thanks again.
Greg
September 13th, 2005 at 8:13 pm
Only one complaint, Steve.
You mention “underdeveloped social skills”, and you touch on how to improve those in the “how to” section, but could you elaborate on how one develops social skills? That in itself is worth several pieces, in my opinion.
Keep up the great work!
September 14th, 2005 at 4:32 am
I have always been extremely shy and introverted, and as I’ve matured I have actually become more so… to my detriment! I am very reclusive. In fact, that is one of my goals I’m working on; trying to become LESS introverted and get out and meet other people. Like many of the other introverts here have stated, I find it very exhausting being in a group of people, and need time alone to recharge and center myself. Too much noise, chaos and interaction with other people sets my nerves on edge.
I have had some really bad experiences meeting people online, and have actually given up on forums and other online “social” places, as I don’t even feel safe or comfortable in that environment anymore. I have come to realize that most people behave differently online than they do in real life… usualy for the worst! So, I decided it’s time to go out and meet some people in real life.
I am signing up for a Spanish class so I can be around other people, and because it’s a language class, it kind of forces you to speak to other people in order to practice the new language. I will also be taking a writing course in January because I want to learn to write well and figure I will meet other people with similar interests. And lastly, sometime next year I will be taking the big leap and sign up for a public speaking class! It has always been my biggest fear!
With that said though, I will always be an introvert. I am what I am, and that will never change. I have no desire to be a social butterfly and have a full calendar, but a few close friends with things in common would surely be nice
I also think it would be a good idea to write an article on social skills, as most introverts and shy people have a lot of trouble with that. We just don’t know what to do in a social situation, and feel awkward, self-conscious and unsure of ourselves. Oh, I can put on a mask and a good act when I’m around other people, but I am never truly comfortable in those situations, and usually can’t wait for them to be over with so I can have some time alone to recharge.
September 14th, 2005 at 1:18 pm
I was EXTREMELY shy until the end of college. I was getting shyer and shyer.
Then I got VERY depressed because I wanted a girlfriend, and at age 22 I haven’t even hold a girl’s hand.
After lots of efforts on my own which yielded no results, I went to a psychologist.
He used hypnosis and REBT (rational-emotional-behavioral therapy) on me. I was doing 2 sessions per week.
In about 4 months the progress was very clear, and in about 1 year I was quite sociable and got a girlfriend.
Now after a few years I have excellent social skills, have done public speaking, and in general I am very happy I went to a psychologist.
September 14th, 2005 at 3:40 pm
As an introvert, the points in the month given to the extrovert can be so open and fulfilling, but at the same time, so maddeningly exhaustive. It’s no wonder some introverts stay closeted, it’s some work to maintain that extrovert lifestyle.
September 14th, 2005 at 3:46 pm
Hmmm… for those of you who find extrovert activities tiring or energy-draining, what’s tiring about it? Do you find such situations confusing or stressful? Are you hanging around mostly negative people (i.e. energy vampires)?
I’m just trying to get a better handle on this. I find it draining to hang out with a group of negative people, but to hang out with mostly positive people normally leaves me feeling even more energized.
September 14th, 2005 at 6:15 pm
It has nothing to do with positive or negative people (thou I believe we all feel more drain around negative people). It has nothing to do with stress or confusion. It has to do with personality type. Introverts get their energy from being along. Etrovert from being with people.
My wife is an Extrovert. When she has to crunch numbers at work all day and not intact with others, she comes home wiped out, tired and talks my ear off all night and then she feel better. She is at her best in a crowd smooshing.
From your comment it does not appear that you really know what introvert/extrovert is really about.
Also, it is a terrible assumption to make that an introvert has low social skills. I think what your article was really about was how shy people with low social skills would benefit from getting out more and being social. It just happens that most of those would aslo be introverts.
One last note, I guess I’m not really an introvert since I have a wife.
Some good resources on personality type are “Please Understand Me” by David Keirsey and “Do What You Are”. The later is about indentifying your type so that you can find a career that fits with your type.
September 14th, 2005 at 7:23 pm
@Max: I think one can learn to enjoy both extroverted and introverted activities and draw energy from both. I don’t buy into the belief that we must be one or the other or that we cannot change whichever “class” we appear to be born into. I think it’s a combination of a lack of skills plus unnecessarily limiting beliefs (such as, “that’s just the way I am and nothing can change it”) that keep people predominantly on one side without being able to enjoy the benefits of both sides.
I don’t know too many people who’d feel energized by crunching numbers all day, whether introvert or extrovert. That certainly wouldn’t be my choice introvert activity.
September 14th, 2005 at 10:52 pm
I also disagree with Max’s idea of such an inflexible definition of introversion vs. extroversion.
These days I almost always find social activities which involve large groups to be tiring. It isn’t long before the majority of my thoughts revolve around wanting to be somewhere else. This feeling is caused by a desire to be doing something productive. One-on-one, or small group conversation is fine, because it allows me to feel as if relationships are developing, but when larger groups are involved, less time can be spent with any one person, and so it seems as if I get less out of it.
So one factor which can cause ‘tiredness’ is having to put in effort to socialise, when I expect that it will produce little to no results. It isn’t that socialising drains my energy; it doesn’t, the energy drain occurs because I’m doing something out of perceived obligation, rather than desire.
I understand that this is an entirely unhelpful attitude, and I’m going what I can to change it, for example by socialising to the point where I start to become uncomfortable, then leave, after arranging a more intimate meeting at some later point so I don’t feel as if I’m being rude by leaving early.
For me the people involved are not a large factor. While some people can be ‘energy vampires’, I usually won’t socialise with them. But even spending time with close friends amongst a larger group can sometimes be draining, if it seems the environment (which includes other people) is interfering with my ability to get something out of the exchange. But again, I’m doing something about this; as you said, trying to give more, rather than just receive. I have trouble quieting the negative thoughts though, the ones that say ‘my stories are boring’, ‘I can’t really get my point across can I?’, ‘I don’t understand this topic well enough to explain it properly’, ‘I should stop now because I’m starting to ramble’, etc.
P.S: Fantastic topic, as always (and that includes the recent posts regarding diet).
September 15th, 2005 at 1:08 am
AS AN EXTROVERT I HAVEN’T GOT A CLUE WHAT YOU ARE ALL TALKING ABOUT. HUMANS ARE PACK ANIMALS, GET USED TO PEOPLE!
September 15th, 2005 at 4:36 am
Social skills (like any skill) can be learned, but consider that an autistic individual will probably never have the social intelligence of, say for example, a Bill Clinton. If extroversion/introversion is a continuum, we can strive for a balanced life within our physiology.
September 15th, 2005 at 4:56 am
@Jim: I’m currently in a very similar position. I’d appreciate it immensely if you could offer me some help. If you want, you can contact me at camuphile at gmail dot com.
September 15th, 2005 at 6:06 am
I’m also one who finds social contact to be energy-draining, even if it’s with people I love being around. I think the reason this happens is the same reason that feeble people find any type of physical exertion tiring, even if they enjoy doing it, and stupid people find any type of intellectual exertion tiring, even if they enjoy thinking about it, and people who are just learning to play the piano find any piano playing tiring, even if they enjoy playing.
When you are very unused to something, it drains your energy very fast, no matter how much you want to do it, no matter how much you enjoy doing it, and no matter how valuable it is to you. So I think I (and others) find social interaction qua social interaction tiring simply because we are not in the habit of doing it. The broader psychological principle is: when you are engaging in a manner of action you aren’t used to, it requires much more energy to perform and maintain than it does after it has been automatized, which quickly drains your energy. After you have automatized the basic repetitive habits of something, and made it second-nature, it takes very little energy to perform.
Remember how difficult it was to type when you were first learning? Or how difficult it was to drive when you were first learning? Both were energy-draining at first, but after you make them habit and get used to them they take no effort at all. Same thing with social interaction.
September 15th, 2005 at 6:16 am
I should also add 1) that the more complex a skill, the longer it takes to make into habit, and that social skills are much more complex than learning to drive or to type or to play the piano, and 2) that people differ in how quickly they learn different skills, some people may take 100 hours to master typing, some may take 500 hours.
So to the people (such as myself) who find social interaction tiring, I believe that this would go away simply by immersion in social interaction for extremely long periods of time. It may take an average of, say, 5000 hours to automatize social skill enough to feel comfortable doing it. Most people get that done in their childhood, during recess and during playing with other kids after school, but some like myself didn’t, since we remained alone for most of the day and even when around others don’t talk to them. Introverts simply didn’t put in the necessary hours required to master social skills — extroverts put in those thousands of hours.
The solution (which I plan to do myself) is to make up for lost time and constantly interact with others, many hours per day. It may take a few years of this, at 2+ hours per day, before it’s automated — especially because there’s the tendency to automate slower as an adult than as a child — but I believe that if the hours are put in, social interaction would no longer be energy draining.
September 15th, 2005 at 6:22 am
@Rinku: You make a good point. It’s similar to doing weight training — even light weights will be hard to lift if you haven’t exercised in a while. But with training, which comes about as a result of overload, you become stronger and more capable.
With social interaction if you do a lot of it, it becomes easier to handle.
Another factor is perhaps the nature of the interaction. I greatly enjoy mentally stimulating interactions with intelligent people, like being able to talk one-on-one with someone I respect, or attending a speech or seminar, or going to a Toastmasters meeting. Those always energize me.
September 15th, 2005 at 8:54 am
Jung said that people tend to become more introverted as they move from young adulthood to old age.
September 15th, 2005 at 9:29 am
Introversion is not the same as shyness. Introversion is not the same as weak social skills. They may occur in the same people (as introverts naturally get less practice, and therefore may have weaker social skills) but don’t need to.
I agree with Dick & Jim - the key difference between introverts & extroverts is what energises them. Extroverts are energised by contact with people. Introverts are tired by contact with people, and need to be alone to recharge. Even if I’m with the best of my friends, after spending a whole weekend with them, I am happy to be alone and rest. At parties, I take breaks by going outside, or if there’s no “outside”, hide in the loo for 5 minutes.
I may not be the most representative example of an introvert - I am pretty sure I have mild Asperger’s syndrome (AS). But anyway… what I find tiring about social situations or extroverted activities is the constant flood of information that needs to be processed and responded to.
In most groups, there is almost constant conversation. When I listen, I listen with my whole attention, and that takes energy.
In addition (and here’s where I think that I with my AS probably deviate from normal people) there is a lot of noise, visual and auditory. People move around, which creates visual noise that distracts and tires me. And as soon as there is a larger group of people (more than a few) there is audio noise as well.
September 15th, 2005 at 9:57 am
Why is it that extroverts think that introverts are flawed, or not normal, and just need to learn new skills to become more extroverted? It’s not a disease that needs curing, or a personality flaw, rather it is a personality TYPE. Expecting an introvert to learn to become an extrovert is akin to expecting a left handed person to become right handed, just because the majority of the population is right handed. That’s just ludicrous!
Perhaps those of you extroverts that don’t understand us introverts may want to read this article for a better understanding and perspective: http://cfge.wm.edu/documents/Introversion.html
September 15th, 2005 at 10:51 am
There will always be psychologists telling us how to determine what class of people we’re born into, providing a long list of reasons why we should simply accept their judgement. And then there are people who ignore those rules and learn for themselves what their true limits are — sometimes they find the rules were accurate; other times they find the rules were wrong.
September 15th, 2005 at 12:14 pm
I believe it was part of the Myers-Briggs explanations of personalities that actually made the statement that extroverts have a hard time understanding introverts.
But it’s not their fault, it’s just a flaw in their personality.
September 15th, 2005 at 1:05 pm
>mmm… for those of you who find extrovert activities tiring or energy-draining, what’s >tiring about it? Do you find such situations confusing or stressful? Are you hanging >around mostly negative people (i.e. energy vampires)?
I think you hit that nail on the head Steve. I’ve been thinking about it but can’t seem to come up with a satisying answer - my complaints are mainly that
1. I keep questioning how I appear to the group. I want to make sure I seem smart, etc. and that’s a constant performance anxiety. The effort of putting myself into everyone’s head that I’m talking to, trying to figure out how they see stuff is tiring as well.
2. Socially people are often doing things that don’t have any immediately useful purpose (socializing I mean - of course this depends on the kind of groups you want to be in - but..) and I’m always itching for something meaningful to do - so I keep wondering how much more productive I’d be if I wasn’t stuck here talking to people.
3. Other people’s priorities/positions mesh badly with my own and I find it annoying to constantly reevaluate my position on things I’m certain of.
I realize that this comment is not too well written/expressed and I can already see many flaws in the arguments - but I thought I’d share.
September 15th, 2005 at 2:08 pm
I don’t understand the core of this logic. Why would someone want to become an extrovert in the first place? Not every introvert is a recluse shut up in their house without a telephone and writing in little journals all day. I think that you make no effort to explain why being an introvert is so undesirable and thus have no basis to assume that the general introverted population would gain any benefits from becoming an extrovert. Getting along in life as an introvert does not require you to become an extrovert. And by the way, Myers-Briggs does not support that theory in any way. http://www.unhappyemployee.com/?p=9.
September 15th, 2005 at 2:58 pm
@Steve Swedler: If someone is genuinely happy with their level of introversion, that’s perfectly fine. This entry was intended to address the many emails I’ve received that asked me to write about how to become more extroverted — from people who perceive a potential benefit in shifting further towards extroversion.
Why would someone want to become more extroverted? I can’t answer for all the people who requested this topic, but in my case it was motivated by personal growth. I found that shifting my default preference allowed me to experience a new world of opportunities that were previously unavailable to me. It wasn’t merely a matter of developing better social skills or overcoming shyness — it involved changing my beliefs about the nature of social relationships, so that I’d be naturally more drawn to extroverted activities, regardless of my current skill level. This shift has proven highly beneficial for me. I actually feel motivated to do the kinds of things I would have previously shunned.
Being too far on the introvert side was undesirable for me personally. I wanted a more balanced life that would allow me to enjoy the best of both worlds. For example, I wanted to develop a greater interest in other people, building social ties, and networking. I wasn’t a recluse, but I did feel I was holding myself back and restricting my opportunities, not primarily because of a lack of skills but rather a lack of desire (as I explained in the post above).
September 15th, 2005 at 3:19 pm
I agree with Helen, Dick and the others. Introverism is not the same as shyness and it is not the same as poor social skills.
I’m an introvert, and at times in my life I have been shy, and at times in my life I have been very sociable. I enjoy chatting to strangers, and I enjoy parties. What makes me an introvert is that I need time on my own, and if I spend too much time with other people I get very edgy.
I think the reason that I need that time alone is to process the thoughts and ideas that have come out of other interactions. Even after really fun and enjoyable interactions with stimulating people leave me needing my alone time.
The interesting thing is I have no fear of public speaking, and I don’t ever remember having such a fear. My first job was in training, giving courses, and I loved this.
September 15th, 2005 at 3:57 pm
I am very introverted but like many of us I have over the years developed an extroverted persona that I can put to work for me when meed be. I am able thus to enjoy public speaking and getting out and meeting people. The extroverted me is a version of me, a role I play in certain settings. I still dislike big parties and I am not very good at cocktail party chatter. I see this role as part of my social skills. If however I had to spend large chunks of time in this mode every day I would become exhausted. It is in part because I have time with myself on my own that I am able to do what I need to do in the world.
September 15th, 2005 at 4:39 pm
I share with Penny shyness in certain situations, but oddly, enjoy the thrill of public speaking.
(I had a boss who simplifies people: “She’s a go-getter.” “He’s shy.” When the inevitable contradiction arises, she actually became irritated at the complication! As old Hamlet says “Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe?”)
As a practical suggestion, another venue like Toastmasters that has helped me practice my “extreme public speaking” (that is without notes or preparation) is Socrates Café. I go to this one: http://www.ethicalfocus.org/index.php?content=scafe
September 15th, 2005 at 6:51 pm
I’m lucky in that I have an unwitting mentor in extroversion. My best friend of twenty years (since high school) is extremely extroverted - just outgoing, not the slimy stereotypical used car salesman type.
While for me the pendulum has been swinging a little more towards the centerpoint between introversion and extroversion as I get older, a couple years I started consciously studying my buddy and how he interacts with people. It’s helped a great deal, especially since he weighs close to what I weigh and my weight has always been one of my “issues” when meeting people. The fact that he is able to “wrap people around his finger” removes weight as a factor/barrier.
We were at a local bar last Saturday night, something I don’t do very often. I was very social with friends and strangers, and the next day I didn’t experience the usual withdrawl I get when I have to be “on” for long periods of time. In the past I’d have been extra grouchy for a week.
Oh, and speaking of weight, I find it ironic that extroverts basically tell introverts to “get over it” just as skinny people tell fat people to “get over it.”
September 16th, 2005 at 7:22 am
I would like to reiterate what others have said about the difference between a lack of social skills and being an introvert.
I am an introvert, I spend my time on the computer, drawing, writing, things like that. But then when I started college, I was the first person in my class to spark up class discussions and loosen up the mood. But it is a distinctive effort - not that I have to think about what I am doing, just that I can’t be bothered most of the time. In my other classes, where people already had strong friendships, and the groups were larger, I stuck to myself. A mix of not feeling the need to socialise with those other people, and not wanting to anyway.
I am desperately seeking ways of getting out and making new friends. My perfect image of myself is as a charismatic, yet reserved person, with a good sense of humour - but still retaining my ability to work alone, and enjoy it.
After reading this piece, and the comments that followed, I realise that I am not actually far off - what is limiting me is a blend of arrogance and laziness. The social groups that surround me I see as below me, and I can’t be bothered going out and finding new ones. All I need to do is get out and find people with a similar mindset to me, and the introvert/extrovert barrier will be blurred.
In conclusion, thanks for the article - its helpful, but accidentally I think. The idea that poor social skills make you an introvert is ridiculous. Introversion is when you prefer to be alone, not when you are unable to be around others.
September 16th, 2005 at 9:41 am
I’ve noticed more than a couple responses here regarding “personality”, stating that it is innate and can not be changed. One woman on here saying, “I am what I am”.
I’m not saying who is right or wrong, but here is what I’ve learned:
People create themselves everyday without knowing it. They become what they believe themselves to be. So you can be aware of this and control who you become or you can ignore it and let life decide.
You are probably a different person when you talk to the IRS than you are when you talk to a little baby.
I’ve always found that the successful people in life change their self to keep their word, instead of breaking their word to keep their self.
On top of this, I’ve always believed that you create your own reality, so I’ll leave off with this..
“To limit one’s self to kill a part of one’s self; to let someone limit you, is murder” - I don’t remember who said this originally, but it wasn’t me
September 16th, 2005 at 10:44 am
*sigh*. Yet another bunch of people confused by the difference between “introvert” and “loner with no social skills”.
I actually did an unwitting experiment on myself this summer; I horribly overbooked my weekends. Almost every single weekend was either me staying with friends or friends staying over.
By the middle of August, I damn near had a nervous breakdown. I had to cancel plans and take a weekend off, completely by myself, to regain my composure.
I was *enjoying* myself the entire time…I love hanging out with my friends, and there was no pressure or stress; it was all pretty relaxing stuff…but I’ve discovered that I absolutely *have* to have “alone time”. If I don’t get at least one or two FULL days per month where I don’t have to interact with anybody but my husband (and preferably not even him, very much), I very quickly lose my grip.
I think, as someone else said, that I need time to process, and that can only be done when I’m not having to think about work or interact with other people. For me, being without alone time ends up like being without sleep. Just can’t do it and stay sane; it’s a form of torture.
That said, I don’t need a LOT of alone time, but I absolutely do need it. I know people who don’t. I don’t get them at all.
September 16th, 2005 at 12:43 pm
Yes, Myers-Briggs does have an I/E element, but I think that it is pivotal to view it as just that - an element of a larger equation. A person is not just introverted or extroverted - those qualities are combined with three other categories in the Myers-Briggs spectrum. In addition to that, people can range from one extreme to the other on any one of those categories. I, for example, am about 30/70 on the introvert/extrovert scale. And I have always been proud to be an introvert.
I’m in complete agreement with Tom’s statement about “the idea that poor social skills makes you an introvert is ridiculous.” Seems like a pretty extrovert-centric way of looking at things. Perhaps reading this article may give you more insight into introversion, and why it is in no way a bad thing:
http://quillio.com/library/rauch/Caring%20for%20Your%20Introvert.pdf
September 16th, 2005 at 2:40 pm
Great post, Steve!!
I have been more I than E and have had problems with Anxiety (soc + gen) my whole life. Opposite to my Dad who is a verbal explosion bent on ego and control.
–*BUT, in the situations not involving a narcissistic chatterbox spewing a hurricane of vapid bullshit, a few tries at Extroversion Actually Help me a little after getting over the initial difficulty.
(you have to be willing to excuse yourself and move on to someone else when you find the talk empty, though)
MBTI is a bit simplistic and Not a full evaluation. There clearly have to be more than 16 different ppl. in the world. That being said, I tested out as an INTJ with the I/E and J/P split like 51/49.
***Your part about visualizing your goal state instead of getting mentally roped into the cliches of useless small talk, was fantastic! I fall prey to that all the time.
In addition to Rinku’s process automation stuff, I also feel that may Is are just more intelligent and detailed than Es. It is possible we get tired in social situations, because we are processing 90% more than the Es. It’s like they are lightly skating across the surface ice and we are the entire lake. We are calculus, they are basic arithmetic.
Agreement with many posters above, Introversion is not a flaw, though it can coincide with flaws. Many Es are probably just too simple to understand it.
As a lifelong I, I have to say that the E stuff has helped more than it hurt. The amount that new friends and positive, smart, constructive acquaintances have added to my life is immeasurable. E is a GREAT skill to dev/have, even if you still Choose when you’ll use it.
~ mental, physical, spiritual and social
September 16th, 2005 at 3:40 pm
Well said Sandy. A lot of people don’t understand that Introverts need that alone time. It doesn’t matter if we are with friends and having fun or in a boring social situation. To make sense of the world we need that downtime. Extroverts apparently do this by talking non stop to anyone or anything! Introverts can’t do this and I believe it is unchangeable.
September 16th, 2005 at 7:20 pm
I personally don’t agree with everything in this article. Maybe I’m not understanding what I am (shy, introverted or lacking social skills, or all of the above). I think the author of this article is only addressing one type of introversion.
I love being around my close friends… almost all the time. But once you throw into the mix one new person… its like a switch has been turned on in my head. I can literally feel my brain’s chemistry changing (I’ve seen brainscans of shy people vs extroverted people when put in social environments … the shy people have much more brain activity… like its getting overloaded… and that is exactly how I feel), and its nothing I can control. I am constantly put in these situations (usually on my own terms), so its not a matter of not having practice or experience in these situations. Its like I have lost ability to interpret my senses. And it gets worse as you add more and more people. Words spoken go straight through one ear and out the other, I become oblivious to the environment around me visually, and my memory starts to fail (I’ll even flat out make up things just because I can’t remember them.. even blatantly basic info like… what I did yesterday). I can always get by with small generic talk, but I know I always end up looking like a very shallow, uninteresting person. I could meet someone new, and then talk to him an hour later thinking I haven’t met him… I literally don’t remember what he looked like and what he said. And all of that is VERY draining on me.
Its a curse… I love the whole idea of people, but I can’t interact with them.
September 17th, 2005 at 2:21 am
Steve,
I have heard that a good definition of what makes an extrovert or an introvert on Myer’s-Briggs (I am NOT an expert and could be wrong) is merely “What charges your batteries?” I say this in response to your curiosity about introverts that find socializing “exhausting”. That is THE definition of introversion IMO. Introversion, as defined by MB (and other personality tests) does NOT mean a person cannot socialize or interact with people (this is certainly true about SOME “I”s but not all). It just means it won’t be their first choice. And when they do it, it will be tiring not energizing.
For me, I score high “I” on MB (58). So I would be considered strong introvert. I believe that this is an accurate assessment of me. And yet I LOVE people and have the confidence to engage in most any social situation. I have strong public speaking skills and it is one of favorite things to do. I prefer small parties to big parties. I WAY prefer parties with friends than with acquaitances and I prefer parties with acquaintances to strangers. I HATE social situations where the talk is trivial. But I am OK in these situation although they are not my favorite. And yet I will ALWAYS prefer time alone to time with groups (with the exception of my family).
I add this all just to say that the implications of some of the comments above that there is a HUGE difference between shyness and introversion are accurate, as far as I know. I know and love a lot of introverts. They are not social misfits or lacking in confidence. And on the whole, I prefer their company to extroverts.
Thought I would add my 2¢ worth.
Seth
PS
Your site has REALLY helped me. Keep it up.
September 17th, 2005 at 6:25 am
I’m well aware of the definition of introvert vs. someone who’s simply shy. Believe it or not, I am genuinely talking about how to switch from introvert to extrovert. This means that you actually shift from finding social experiences tiring and draining to finding them energizing — it’s like switching the polarity of your batteries. I can draw energy from both group and solo activities now, but what prevented me from being able to tap both sources was my own limiting beliefs. Once I believed I could change, I was able to.
Last night I stayed home and read a fiction book, and I very much enjoyed it and found it energizing in a way. Later today I’ll be giving a speech to an audience of about 40 people, and there will be lots of socializing, both with people I know and people I’m just meeting for the first time. I’m looking forward to that as another energizing experience.
Your particular polarity may have been conditioned into you, or it may even be in-born, but it’s not set in stone unless you make it so.
September 18th, 2005 at 4:18 pm
I found this today. It really lifts my estimations to see substantially sane meaningful discussion.
I’ve noticed that context, the social group, has a large impact on what is called introversion-extroversion.
I’ve seen people who act in a very extroverted way in some groups and clam up in others. With regular exposure to groups they identify with I can imagine them migrating across the intro-exo spectrum. (You mention a change like that in yourself.) This might be because they “open up the armour” or “let their guard down” most of the time when they start expecting encounters with humans that are actually worth anything.
If that is a reasonable way to think of it, I imagine it would tie in with generalised muscular tension (stress-tension).
I guess there are promiscuously extroverted people and other who are selective about it!
September 19th, 2005 at 7:33 am
If you are an introvert, I *HIGHLY* recomment the book, The Introvert Advantage, by Mari Olsen Laney, PsyD.
The Introvert Advantage
I, like the author of this article, am an introvert. After reading this book, I was able to live my life in a way that suited me, rather than trying to be extroverted against my nature.
The most important thing that this book does is that it dispels the notion that introversion is a negative thing. You also learn that it is not a SOCIAL thing. In fact, introversion has to do with the way that your mind deals with new information. An introvert processes things that they experience through their reasoning and verbal centers. In short, it costs an introvert energy to go to a party. It’s easy to get overwhelmed. An extrovert skips these steps and just gets a charge out of it.
The key difference is how both types recharge themselves. Extroverts recharge themselves by going to a party, and an introvert recharges themself by doing quiet activities, to let their brains rest. The earlier post of the person who tried too hard to “become an extrovert” probably got that way because you didn’t let your brain relax the way that it needs.
I am quite introverted, but I have a ton of friends, and a busy social calendar. The way I do this is that I also leave a lot of time to be alone, I avoid parties, and recharge myself by reading, or other quiet things, alone. It’s a question of balance.
If you a serious about learning more about your nature, and getting better tools to achieve balance in a way that’s best for you, read this book. It’s at most local libraries.
September 19th, 2005 at 8:35 pm
Excellent post. Keep up the good work!
September 21st, 2005 at 5:21 am
This is the type of discussion that I find fascinating both for its complexity and its futility. It’s always easy to evaluate people who are nothing like yourself, but without their experience, anything you say will be biased by your own experience. Introversion is a biological factor that is stronger in some people, weaker in others. It is modifiable–up to a point. Extreme introverts can adapt if necessary, but that is not the same as trying to change your basic temperament.
My own introversion has taken the form of an arc–extreme during childhood, less so while married and parenting, and now returning to its natural extreme in old age. I don’t lack social skills, but I do suffer boredom in the presence of most people. Factors nobody has mentioned are your intelligence compared to those around you and whether being with other people on a regular basis offers anything of value. I have projects that are important to me, and socializing not only depletes my energy, it takes time that is better spent doing something that is more enjoyable and useful.
Most humans are pack animals? Quite true. Would our species be better off if we were all pack animals? I doubt it.
September 23rd, 2005 at 8:50 pm
While I know that this post doesn’t advocate this sort of thing, I’m concerned that society is declaring war on introverts. First it was the social stigma associated with introversion — “nerd”, “loner.” Now big pharma is trying to medicalize introversion, calling it “Social Anxiety Disorder,” — a disease that needs to be treated with their drugs. If you look at what’s happened with children and Ritalin, it’s scary to think of what will happen to “shy” kids when adults get bored with the extra effort it takes to draw out these children to some normative ideal.
Where would books and inventions come from, if all we had left was salespeople?
*I genuinely love salespeople and recognize that pretty much everything I have done in my life is in part dependent on their efforts to bring it to the public and get us paid for it. But perhaps some good things in our society depend on A) having introverts and B) letting people be introverts.
September 24th, 2005 at 12:05 am
I am an introvert but I don’t think I’m lack of social skills because my dad used to pressure me to socialize when I was younger. He is an extreme extrovert.
I have been thinking about the reason why socializing is energy-draining so I try to notice what’s going on when I socialize. Maybe it’s because I listen too carefully when making conversation with people and I realize that, when I come home, I can still remember what we were saying to each other and I would still try to make a logic out of it. And that requires some brain energy, which is why it’s so exhausting. And No, I can’t force myself not to listen carefully when I talk to people.
I don’t think introvert/extrovert is something like black and white. There is a grey area in the middle. And people in the middle might find it possible to gain energy from both types if they are willing to change themselves while others might not be able to do that. Of course they can practice extrovert skills but will never gain energy from being extrovert at all.
September 27th, 2005 at 5:08 pm
I am an introvert, I have been playing online games most of my life, I am 17 and for the past few years I have been using my online games as a complete Substitute for socialising, I am still in school and have hardly ever gone out with my “school friends” and I have come to realize of what an introvert I actually am, I can hold a conversation with all my “school friends” AT SCHOOL but if its out of school for some reason I am a different person? I have began to panic a bit because I have my Prom next year and need someone to take with, my social skills with guys are perfect - not tense, feel like I am incontrol however with a girl my social skills are very bad , they will greet me and I can maybe hold the conversation for no more than 1 or 2 minutes (outside of school) it seems I have NOTHING in common with them.
some advice?
September 28th, 2005 at 2:32 pm
Ryan, I’m sorry but I don’t think this is about introversion. It seems to me that what you have is actually social anxiety, in which it can happen to either introverts or extroverts. My advice is first trying to pick a nice girl to talk to. First it might last 2 minutes. Next time, pick another girl and your conversation should last longer and longer. Keep practicing that. You know, practice makes perfect. Social skills are just a kind of skills that anyone can practice, like keyboard typing.
September 29th, 2005 at 7:49 am
@Ryan, Eric Z gave you sound advice. I would only add that if you make progress to the point that you take someone to prom, I hope that you have a great time. On the other hand, if it doesn’t work out that way, just remember prom is highly overrated. It is not the earth-shattering event that it is made out to be. There is music. There is dancing. There is a punch bowl. OK, fine. No need to panic.
As for the girls, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It is impossible to talk to a girl if you are focused on trying to get a prom date from the first hello. Try not to think of them so much as potential prom dates, but rather just other people, like your guy friends, that have a unique set of interests. Once you get past the first hello and find a common interest, getting to know someone (guy or girl) will proceed naturally from there. Once you have a relationship based on a common interest, you can start working on dating or prom. A great way to break the ice is to be involved in the same school club or activity with someone. Note: drooling over her womanly virtues is not considered something you have in common. Also note that you should try to network with lots of different girls, even those you would not be interested in taking to prom or may not think you would like to hang out with. You knever know who they will introduce you to. It might just be that her sister is best friends with the homecoming queen and bingo, you are the Prom King.
17 is an akward age. And high school has a strange set of social intricacies that is like living on another planet. Those are just the facts. Remember that as akward as you feel, everyone else feels pretty much the same way even though they are not showing it. You will not be 17 forever, and when you are 28 and you get the invitation to your high school reunion, you are going to think to yourself, “I have no idea why I found that so intimidating. They were just a bunch of akward teenagers lust like me.” And when you actually go to that reunion, you will be amazed at the number of women who will privately confess to you of having had a crush on that mysterious, aloof guy who spent all his time on the internet but never had time to talk to them. If only you had known then. And now you do.
September 29th, 2005 at 9:13 am
Hey Barry
thanks for the reply…appreciate it.
as you said 17 is an awkward age, and as you said the hardest part is “breaking the ice” well that IS the hardest part….as I said before, it seems at my school is the only time (during class) I get the “oppurtunity” to speak to them ( very short oppurtunity before the teacher screams at us) that part is easy….but as soon as I am out of school, say for example a night club if I see some girl i know from my school, I either greet her or she greets me, THAT is where it ends…she would probably walk off or something, also approaching a girl you have never met before is pretty much like walking up mount everest, if someone had to look at me I would look like your average party going animal, but actually my social skillz need a lot of work.
are their any books you guys would recomend?
thx in advance
Ryan
September 29th, 2005 at 10:52 am
The best advice I ever got on how to talk to newly met people is this: Play the part of the interviewer. Ask as many questions of the other person as you can think of. This technique kicks the conversational ball back and forth, helping both people to talk to each other. Remember that the other person probably doesn’t know what to talk about either but probably wants to say something. Give them a helping hand by asking questions (start with generalities then become more personal as you receive information). This makes it look like you are very interested in them, even if you aren’t, and that in turn makes them feel liked by you. That is the magic bullet. When people think/feel that you like them, they will usually like you. If they don’t, then they are arrogant , and that’s your cue to move on to the next interview.
September 29th, 2005 at 11:06 am
Ryan said:
“are their any books you guys would recomend?”
There are books on how to “pick up women.” Probably websites, too. I haven’t read them and wouldn’t necessarily recommend them. Something like that might get you off the starting block. Or they might just point you in the wrong direction for meaningful interaction. I couldn’t say for sure.
There is one book that I would recommend that has a lot of good advice on making friends that applies to your interactions with girls, guys, relatives, faculty, employers, employees, etc.– all people and all kinds of relationships. It is by Dale Carnegie called “How to Win Friends and Influence People” (1936) which is in part a manual for social skills. It has a rather unfortunate title, because it sounds like a manual for manipulating people, which it is not. There is also a book called “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” that would help you deal with the different ways that men and women communicate. It is mostly for married couples, but a lot of it applies to socializing and dating, too.
The other thing I would say is that socializing with or meeting girls at a night club is not the best idea, especially if you are not a night club kind of guy. And it sounds like you are not. I’m not sure how a 17 year old gets into a night club anyway (not legal where I am from). You need a friendlier environment where people will let their guard down. In my opinion, a night club is about the worst place possible to meet or socialize unless you happen to be John Travolta. Like I said before, a school club or activity is ideal. Maybe you can tutor other students in an area that you are strong in. Maybe there are committees for certain projects at school. Are you a member of a church with a youth group? Do some volunteer work? If none of these things exist, maybe start one. Don’t bother starting a club for internet gaming, since that will only draw guys. You want a slam dunk way to meet a lot of girls? Join or start an after-school class or club to teach social dance. That will not only draw girls, but it will put them in your arms. These are the things that are likely to actually work. Don’t wast your time in night clubs. Take it from someone who has wasted many years in them. Night clubs are ideal if all you want is a one-night-stand and an STD.
I do not want to get this thread too far off topic, so if you want to hear more from me, drop me an email at:
bt.StevePavlina AT pobox.e4ward.com
Good Luck.