Calming Someone Down
September 19th, 2005 by Steve Pavlina
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I just read a great article from Creating Passionate Users called The Worst Way to Calm Someone Down.
The three images that begin the article made me laugh because I see myself in them. When people around me are upset, it’s so hard for me to resist the temptation to say, “Relax! Calm yourself down.” But of course this often has the opposite effect, and the other person only gets more upset.
I’m familiar with the article’s suggested solution, which is a rapport-building strategy called matching and mirroring. The times I’ve used it consciously, it has worked wonderfully, but it takes a bit of patience to apply. The basic idea is that when someone around you is upset, you first adopt their physiology (so you become upset too), and then gradually lead them back down to a state of calmness.
What’s tough for me in applying this strategy is that it’s hard for me to relate to other people when they begin to lose it because I tend to be very emotionally resilient myself. If I start to feel like I’m losing “emotional containment,” I take steps to restore myself to a positive state: journaling (to see if there’s a message in the negative emotions), going for a long walk, running, listening to uplifting music, meditating, visualization, NLP, eating extra healthy meals, etc.
So my personal block is actually wanting to calm someone down instead of just rolling my eyes at them for losing it. I think I’ll need to work on this more.
September 19th, 2005 at 8:47 am
I’d seen this technique discussed as well, and while it no doubt has merit, I’m not really willing to do it. I see no reason to mirror somebody who is losing their head. Whether it’s approprite or inappropriate, my own sense of calm is one of my highest values and there must be other ideas on how to deal with the enraged person.
Being calm and not relating to their frenzy certainly doesn’t work. That often plunges them deeper into it.
I personally like to use humor, but even that will piss off some people who think you’re not taking them seriously.
September 19th, 2005 at 9:56 am
I am not sure I would want to “pretend” to lose my cool while I was trying to help someone who had lost their cool. Even pretending to lose your cool would create some negative energy.
What I have found to work is calmly listening to their rant, and then calmly making their best rational argument for them. For example, if somebody starts spewing hate over XYZ, I would calmly state what aspects of XYZ could lead someone to feel aggravated.
Whether it helps calm the person down, or whether it just drives a nutball up the wall and drives them away, I would consider it a success. One of the boundaries I try to maintain is that people around me need to try to be polite, rational, and calm. One way or another, their “nutty” behavior is not acceptable around me.
I said that a little too strongly. I have had (and still have) problems with my temper. One of the important parts of my relationship with my wife is that she was not “freaked-out” by my temper tantrums. A temper tantrum was unacceptable to her, and she let me know it (_boy_howdy_, did she _ever_ let me know!), but she cared enough stay there with me. She did not just leave.
The reason was partly that she herself has a problem with temper. At this point in time, I would say I have my temper under better control than she does. So handling her outbursts is something that I do with love and understanding.
I am not interested in being a person who runs away when emotions get intense or scary. But I don’t wish to indulge in negative energy, either.
And I will not lay out the welcome mat to nutballs, either.
September 19th, 2005 at 3:16 pm
@Steve - That message was habit No 4 in Covey’s Seven Habits. That you have to first understand before being understood. Trying to figure out why they are in such an emotional state before judging them. Although, you already know this alread. Empathetic listening is a very difficult skill to master, and in an interview it was the one skill that Steven Covey said he had the hardest time with, himself.
But improvement is the whole idea of growth, hey?
September 20th, 2005 at 2:58 am
I think the most important thing is to look inside: Why did this situation occured to me in the first place? Why someone around me is upset? Is my mind not firm enough, or do I have some attachments?
I think that instead of develeping some technique to calm the other party down, one should look inside himself/herself to find one’s own “loopholes”.
September 20th, 2005 at 5:46 am
How about teaching that person some techniques for calming down themselves and for managing their emotions?
You can do this when the person is in normal state.
I think that everyone has most of the responsability for his or her emotional state.
If I’m extremely nervous and kill somebody, it’s my responsability. If I’m nervous and offend the people arround me, it’s still 80-90% my responsability.
Dumping one’s anger and negativity on someone else is not acceptable, especially if it happens over a long period.
September 20th, 2005 at 5:51 am
Also, how about teaching them to overcome problems instead of getting nervous?
Example: If my girlfriend is sad because she failed at something, maybe it’s best to teach her to succeed at that thing.
I had my times when I was depressed, and I learned to think this way: “Hey, I’m depressed. That means my mind has a lot of misdirected mental energy. Instead of directing my mental energy towards being depressed, I can direct my energy towards solving the problem that is causing the depression. Now, what are some ways in which I can solve the problem that is causing the depression? What would be at least a small first step? Is there any way I can approach the problem differently than before? How can I approach it in a more intelligent way?”
This kind of thinking has helped me a lot. I find that it lifts most of the depression and makes me more active.
September 20th, 2005 at 7:28 am
Thanks for this post, Steve, and lol on the eye rolling. I think a lot of the problem with the “matching and mirroring” method is that it feels inauthentic or manipulative to a lot of people. I don’t think you have to actually get riled up to help someone else calm down. I just think you have to have the intentions of a) connecting to them as a human being and b) being compassionate about their frustrations (whether or not you agree with how those frustrations are being expressed). If you intend the compassionate connection, the calming will happen on its own.
I was intrigued enough by the dialog to continue it on my own blog. You can read the article, if you’re interested, at http://emsky.typepad.com/winwinweb/2005/09/steve_pavlina_c.html
It’s called “Dealing with upset people: calming through connecting.”
September 20th, 2005 at 9:01 am
@EM Sky: Great post. Btw, the “eye roll” isn’t because I think I have to rile myself up. It’s that I have a tendency to lose respect for people who blow up emotionally. I’m thinking to myself, “What’s wrong with this person?” I’m very emotionally resilient, and it’s hard for me to summon the compassion to want to connect with or calm someone who’s emotionally distraught, especially since the process can be very time consuming. While I have the knowledge and skills to do it, I don’t often apply those skills. Generally I just to ignore/avoid such people and spend more time with positive people. It’s like negativity is a magnet that repels me.
As I mentioned, this is something I need to work on. I think it probably has to do with my beliefs — I tend to view people experiencing negative emotional states as if they’re infected by some kind of self-induced plague. So I wonder, “Why do you keep doing that to yourself?” Hence, the eye roll.