You Need People
August 20th, 2005 by Steve Pavlina
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If you’re stuck living a life you wouldn’t have consciously chosen if you had it to do all over again, what can you realistically do about it?
The Black Hole
By “stuck” I mean truly, deeply stuck. You’ve got the stable job, the family, and the mortgage. But even though your situation looks pretty good from an external standpoint, you’re not happy about it. It’s not fulfilling, and you know you should be doing something else, but at the same time, you know there are no guarantees, and you feel as if the only way out would be to destroy what you’ve got and rebuild from scratch. And that isn’t something you’re willing to do.
It’s not like you haven’t tried, but realistically you can’t see any viable, intelligent options to get things moving in a new direction. It’s like you’re in a black hole, a gravitational well that makes it impossible for you to ever reach escape velocity. It seems to take you a massive amount of effort just to move an inch, and if you let up for an instant, you’re sucked right back down again. You feel trapped, maybe even depressed, and perhaps you even wonder if you should just suck it up and take it. It’s not really that bad compared to most people, right?
On your best days, you’re consciously aware of your situation but still don’t see a way out. But on your worst days, you’re in denial about the whole thing and may succumb to escapist tendencies.
You might read books that even directly address your situation, but they don’t help you much. Their solutions don’t seem practical for you. Perhaps they rely too much on things like putting your faith in the universe and hoping things will work out, and that sounds risky and foolish to you.
What can you do in such a situation? Is there a way out?
The Escape
Yes, there is a way out. The solution is people. Throw different people at the problem.
When you’re stuck in a black hole where it’s impossible for you to reach escape velocity, your only hope for escape is to find an even stronger gravitational field to pull you out. People act a lot like gravitational fields, and when you put enough of them together, all tugging at you in a consistent direction, you’re going to move.
On the positive side, this is how groups like Alcoholics Anonymous or Weight Watchers work. Take an overweight or alcoholic person, surround them with people who will help pull them up to a new level, and given enough time, it works.
On the negative side, this is how cults work as well. Take a person out of their ordinary environment, surround them with crazy people, and a nutso they become.
Unfortunately, most people join the cult of mediocrity without realizing it because they surround themselves with average, ho-hum, dull, going-nowhere people. This cult is one that many people join by default.
If the people in your life right now are causing you to remain stuck, you need to find ways to spend less time with them and more time with people who can help pull you up to a new level. It’s really that simple. Drop the losers lest ye be one.
If you find that the people you spend the most time with are high achievers, I’d bet you’re either a high achiever yourself or quickly becoming one. And if the predominant people in your life are going nowhere, you already know how stuck you are.
To escape mediocrity requires that you surround yourself with the exceptional. Steal time from your mediocre relationships, and invest it in building new relationships with people you find extraordinary. Join clubs and organizations you’re just barely qualified to join. Apply for a job where you’ll be surrounded by highly competent people. Join a gym that intimidates you. Volunteer for assignments that allow you to work with higher caliber people, even if you do it for free.
Once you meet such people, find ways to do favors for them. Give, expecting nothing in return. Build the relationship first, even if it seems very unbalanced in the beginning. The energy of such people will rub off on you. And with enough rubbing, you’ll have raised your own energy and awareness enough to reach escape velocity and break out of mediocrity.
So much of success is nothing but a mindset, and mindsets are contagious. You limit yourself unnecessarily when you surround yourself with people who are just as limited. Instead, spend more time with people who intimidate you until you’re no longer intimidated. Find a herd where you’re one of the slowest stragglers instead of one of the pack — you’ll move a lot faster and make rapid gains that way.
Whenever you want to pull yourself up to a new level of performance, start by asking yourself, “Who’s already getting the results I want, and where can I find them?” Then just start showing up where they show up. Introduce yourself to as many people as you can, and go from there. But most importantly, show up.
August 20th, 2005 at 10:36 pm
Reminds me of the saying:
“Tell me who you’re friends are, and I will tell you who you are.”
August 20th, 2005 at 10:48 pm
I don’t know whether you’ve ever heard of any doing this - http://www.livejournal.com/users/sameyeam/1157731.html - but it’s been incredibly liberating for me, although I’ve only been doing it for less than a day so far.
Basically, I’m taking my decisions out of my own hands…coming up with 6 options for something I could do, giving each a number, then rolling a dice to see which one I end up doing. It sounds a bit silly, but it seems to take away the fear of trying new things for me - if I do what the dice tells me and it goes wrong, then it doesn’t matter so much. It wasn’t my mistake - it was the dice’s fault!
I don’t know whether the whole thing is all that healthy, but it seems to be a good way for me to push myself out there a little bit more and I suppose that’s what counts more than anything else.
August 21st, 2005 at 5:35 am
Absolutely! I’m surrounded by exceptional people, and the energy and inspiration I get from them is amazing. And the more I get inspired by them, the easier it is to find other people–and to turn up on their radars, too! =)
August 21st, 2005 at 7:25 am
I remember reading an anecdote about a general reviewing a groupd of paratroupers.
It went something like:
General: How do you like jumping son?
Soldier1: Love it sir!
General: And you mister?
Soldier2: Best thing in the world sir!
General: How about you son. Like jumping?
Soldier3: No sir! It scares the hell out of me.
General: What? Then why are you here?
Soldier3: Because I want to be around guy who love to jump!
August 21st, 2005 at 7:53 am
Great entry and great advice just one snag, from what I understand neither Alcoholics Anonymous or Weight Watchers work. AA only has a success rate of 5% and my understanding is Weight Watchers success rate is not much better.
August 21st, 2005 at 8:10 am
This is a fantastic article. Thank you.
Unfortunately it doesn’t apply very well to me, because:
- I’m mildly social-phobic, in spite of my efforts not to be.
- I work so much that I don’t have time to meet other people. After work I’m very tired. I don’t have the time and the energy to meet other people.
August 21st, 2005 at 10:46 pm
Insomniac,
Watch out for the temptation to make excuses. (I do it all the time, and just look where it gets me.
) When you see a roadblock you have to figure out how to get through.
If you have long workdays, it might be that you’re not working efficiently. One of Steve’s articles lays it out: track how you use time to find the waste, and when you eliminate the waste you’ll be able to finish just as much work sooner and have more time left for the rest of life.
http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/triple-your-personal-productivity.htm
(Footnote: Unless you’re self-employed, I honestly don’t think Steve’s approach of temporarily shortening your work hours to force an increase in your efficiency is practical. But tracking time, and aiming to be either 100% working or 100% doing something else at any given moment, seem to be good ideas — they’re yielding progress for me.)
Even if you have to finish less work to leave time for people, it’s worth it: you NEED people. Other people can do things for you that no amount of nose-to-the-grindstone work will do — motivate you, advise you, get you jobs and resources, and make your life happier. (Check out the “How important are people” question in http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2004/10/finding-fresh-brains/)
If you’re starting from no social life, getting to know people is simply going to be a hard project, like getting organized or going on a diet. Pore over some of the blog archives for tactical tips — e.g., think of some concrete actions you could make into a 30-day effort; change your environment so that it reminds you of your social goals; think of all the different kinds of resource you could throw at the problem; read books on the issue, even; set yourself up for a few social failures so you can grow more willing to take risks.
All this talk is difficult for me to dispense — I’m also an insomniac, I also spend a lot of time at the computer (and sometimes get some work done!), I’m also asocial, and I also feel tired a lot. And having just laid out the theory, I’m not sure what the right next step is for me, at least on the social side of things. There’s probably a local Linux user group or some political rabblerousers that I might fit in with, but I’m not confident that they’re folks I’d love meeting. Groups I’m barely qualified to be in, or contacts I’m barely qualified to make? I could hang out more with my bosses at work. Or I could try to meet Steve, but I hear he’s pretty busy.
Hmm.
Steve — setting up a forum here to facilitate contact among us readers might be cool. We’d at least get to bond with other folks with ambition instead of folks that drag us down — though I guess we usually wouldn’t meet the potential mentors that you’re advising us to look for. (Similar: 43things.com and the joelonsoftware.com discussion forums.)
Also, I notice there are lots of computer programmers in your audience.
OK, that was lots of rambly words. Hope it helped. Bedtime for this insomniac.
August 22nd, 2005 at 12:17 am
bravo bravo !!
August 22nd, 2005 at 1:42 am
This is very timely for me Steve as I am transitioning from two very different career changes (trial lawyer and legal studies for 21 years and then nightclub/restaurant and rock concert promoter for 7 years. Both of these careers were built on a strong military foundation (three tours in the Army - one enlisted and two as an officer)
I just now got to the heart of my confusion with the reference group I “fell” into after leaving the somewhat rarefied socio-economic strata of military discipline and honor, and the legal systems commitment to the highest level of integrity and honesty (contrary to popular belief, the most honest people I know with the highest standards are most lawyers and judges and related staffers).
So imagine the cognitive dissonance I’ve been experiencing working with musicians, booking agents, venue owners, landlords, roadies, stage hands, bartenders, wait-staff, kitchen staff, and etc.!
At first I thought it was my people skills (although I would need to adjust them to continue with this reference group). I would be shocked to have person after person outright, bald-faced lie to me — deny things that happened and say things happened that didn’t. They would often take anything they had a chance to if they could do so and not get caught.
Of course, my legal cross examination skills were always a real party pleaser (not) but my natural bent was to revert to my truth detecting skills of cross examination and evidence collection, show the scoundrel up to public ridicule to be the cad that he/she was and be done with it.
Expecting a hero’s welcome for routing out the villain, I was surprised that public opinion was that I was too tough. That is more important than truth, honesty, commitment. Upon further investigation, I’ve learned that, contrary to my prior reference communities of the military and the legal community, this community that I’m leaving has no interest in being honest and contributing but instead their interest is to get as much as they can for the least they can do, say whatever is expedient and then let the chips fall where they may.
I am unable to effectively build anything in such and environment and am frightened to find that these are the folks that I’m surrounded by at this point. Not meaning to sound arrogant but I just things like “reality” which I’ve found, the quickest route to is a little thing called “accuracy” or referred to by us laeity as “truth.”
My old reference group is in another state so thank you for your suggestions on finding some powerful people to hang with — especially because I generally am at the lead of the groups. If I can find one that, my best efforts leave me as a straggler, WOW! I was beginning to think my “old school” values were obsolete. I’m just looking in the wrong place but I have to say, what human being in his right mind thinks they can enrich themselves at the expense of others (like ol’ Earl Nightingale says).
Thanks, Steve - as always, very empowering stuff. Anton
August 22nd, 2005 at 1:44 am
“If you’re stuck living a life you wouldn’t have consciously chosen”
Well that’s the first mistake right there, isn’t?
September 7th, 2005 at 9:50 am
Your advice to join a club you are barely qualified for reminds me of the quote attributed to Groucho Marx: “I would never join a club that would have me as a member”
September 9th, 2005 at 9:17 am
Personally — I love to aim high. I always want to be on top. Unfortunately that is not the case of the mass.
It is a good thing that you say that if you want help, that you go to people.
Because if you try to apply the inverse, i.e. take a mass of people who do not care about aiming high (job, relationship, sports team, anything.), meaning they accept normal, below or just good. It will be hard to try to influence them if they don’t want.
Actually you will get more resistance and that may drawn you down.
I bet people here who aim high, are often misunderstood, no matter how good their intention. That is because it bothers people that you want higher and they don’t see the benefit of it.
I guess for us, it is like a drug to be the best, feel the best, live with the bests, over-achieve ourself, etc.
No matter what, don’t quit. There will always be people that try to persuade(an explicit or implicit way) you to stop any project.