Comments on: How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/ Personal Development for Smart People Sat, 09 May 2009 21:45:19 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Steve Pavlina http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-8492 Steve Pavlina Tue, 23 Aug 2005 21:37:35 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-8492 @Char: I consider staying in a relationship that ultimately tears you down to be a form of self-abuse. @Char: I consider staying in a relationship that ultimately tears you down to be a form of self-abuse.

]]> By: char http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-8491 char Tue, 23 Aug 2005 21:21:34 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-8491 Most of the replies opposing Steve are qualified with the phrase "barring any abuse". I'm curious as to what people think consitutes abuse. Is it abusive to call your partner names? to drink every night? to tell your partner to "f-off or shut up when they disagree with you?" Most of the replies opposing Steve are qualified with the phrase “barring any abuse”. I’m curious as to what people think consitutes abuse. Is it abusive to call your partner names? to drink every night? to tell your partner to “f-off or shut up when they disagree with you?”

]]> By: Amy http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-8084 Amy Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:17:06 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-8084 Mike--very much happier. I'm no longer exhausting myself trying to please someone who actively opposed my personal and career goals. Sure, there are some lonely times--but I am finally free to pursue a search for the best life possible. Mike–very much happier. I’m no longer exhausting myself trying to please someone who actively opposed my personal and career goals. Sure, there are some lonely times–but I am finally free to pursue a search for the best life possible.

]]> By: Yuna's Village - A Slice Of The Daily life http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-7937 Yuna's Village - A Slice Of The Daily life Wed, 17 Aug 2005 19:56:21 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-7937 <strong>How Do We Know This Is The Time To Leave Your Job</strong> I visit Steve Pavlina’s personal growth site a lot. He recent ran an article about how to decide when to end a long term relationship with your partner. The article specifically addresses the dilemma when someone is “too good to leave and too bad t... How Do We Know This Is The Time To Leave Your Job

I visit Steve Pavlina’s personal growth site a lot. He recent ran an article about how to decide when to end a long term relationship with your partner. The article specifically addresses the dilemma when someone is “too good to leave and too bad t…

]]> By: Gerard http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-7881 Gerard Tue, 16 Aug 2005 23:09:22 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-7881 " 4. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying." I disagree with this completely. There are too many things that can cause a loss of libido and interest in your partner besides the "spark" factor. Medication, stress, too many to mention. Don't ever stay or leave based on sex unless you have looked at all avenues. ” 4. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying.”

I disagree with this completely. There are too many things that can cause a loss of libido and interest in your partner besides the “spark” factor. Medication, stress, too many to mention. Don’t ever stay or leave based on sex unless you have looked at all avenues.

]]> By: Cody http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-7870 Cody Tue, 16 Aug 2005 21:03:14 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-7870 With the exception of 9 and 11, I found the list of criteria for leaving a relationship very sad. With those expectations, no long term relationship can suceed. Period. Being married 17 years, I can say that we have gone through periods where the answers to many of those questions would have been on the side of leaving. For months at a time even. Sticking with it, in the face of the odds, in spite of not because of happiness, has always been the best decision. Recent studies of long time happy couples support that sticktoitiveness. (Of course issues of personal safety -- abuse and the like -- don't enter in here as they don't in most cases. That's another consideration entirely.) I like the list as a set of indicators of relationship health. Maybe as a "How're we doing?" kind of thing. But if I'd used your criteria, I'd have been divorced long ago and three adopted children would not be in our home today. With the exception of 9 and 11, I found the list of criteria for leaving a relationship very sad. With those expectations, no long term relationship can suceed. Period. Being married 17 years, I can say that we have gone through periods where the answers to many of those questions would have been on the side of leaving. For months at a time even. Sticking with it, in the face of the odds, in spite of not because of happiness, has always been the best decision. Recent studies of long time happy couples support that sticktoitiveness.

(Of course issues of personal safety — abuse and the like — don’t enter in here as they don’t in most cases. That’s another consideration entirely.)

I like the list as a set of indicators of relationship health. Maybe as a “How’re we doing?” kind of thing. But if I’d used your criteria, I’d have been divorced long ago and three adopted children would not be in our home today.

]]> By: Mike http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-7865 Mike Tue, 16 Aug 2005 19:28:27 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-7865 Amy, If you don't mine my asking, are you happier now? Amy,

If you don’t mine my asking, are you happier now?

]]> By: Amy http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-7860 Amy Tue, 16 Aug 2005 17:05:49 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-7860 If a few details were changed, Mike's situation very much like mine (although, fortunately, no children). Like him, I faound Kirschenbaum's book and it helped me to realize what I already knew. In my case, I entered the relationship expecting more of my then-husband than he will ever expect of himself. I thought that my positive influence and committment to personal growth would rub off. I still think he is a wonderful man, but he was never willing to work as hard, and fixing the problems in a relationship can't be done by one person alone. I think Chi's search for someone to bring out the best in you is the thing to do. My ex-husband often said that I did that for him--the problem was that it was not reciprocal. If a few details were changed, Mike’s situation very much like mine (although, fortunately, no children). Like him, I faound Kirschenbaum’s book and it helped me to realize what I already knew. In my case, I entered the relationship expecting more of my then-husband than he will ever expect of himself. I thought that my positive influence and committment to personal growth would rub off. I still think he is a wonderful man, but he was never willing to work as hard, and fixing the problems in a relationship can’t be done by one person alone.

I think Chi’s search for someone to bring out the best in you is the thing to do. My ex-husband often said that I did that for him–the problem was that it was not reciprocal.

]]> By: Chi http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-7843 Chi Tue, 16 Aug 2005 14:10:07 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-7843 I believe that marriage is a lifelong companionship in which the partners remain individuals, yet mutually motivate and enable each other to grow and enjoy life more than each would be able to on their own. The basic factors that I would consider are: Does my partner bring out the best in me, encouraging and enabling me to be more successful and happy than I could be on my own? Is this someone that I would gladly spend the rest of my life with? I have not yet married, so perhaps my view on this issue is overly naive and simplistic :) I have some thoughts about selfishness: Selfishness has a strongly negative connotation for most people, but I think that it is unwarranted. Let's walk through the reasoning. Who is the best for taking care of my wants and needs? I am. What happens if I ignore my wants and needs, and help others with what they want and need? I have either sacrificed my personal growth and well-being, or have implicitly placed the burden on someone else (spouse/familiy/friend). It would be best if we all would take care of ourselves as a priority. As I describe in my first paragraph, there are some people that inspire us to greater than we thought we could. In this case, it is in our selfish interest to associate with these people and make sure that we nourish this relationship. That may be a cold and calculating view on relationships -- yes it is, and most people would avoid being so explicit about relationships. But it is what happens naturally anyway normally without much explicit thought. If I enjoy being with my friends, then I am deriving happiness from it, so in turn I am naturally friendly toward these people. In the end, I hope to marry someone such that together we can be a rich source of happiness, inspiration, and support for each other. And I will selfishly look for such a relationship, as I certainly wouldn't give it away! :) I believe that marriage is a lifelong companionship in which the partners remain individuals, yet mutually motivate and enable each other to grow and enjoy life more than each would be able to on their own. The basic factors that I would consider are: Does my partner bring out the best in me, encouraging and enabling me to be more successful and happy than I could be on my own? Is this someone that I would gladly spend the rest of my life with? I have not yet married, so perhaps my view on this issue is overly naive and simplistic :)

I have some thoughts about selfishness:

Selfishness has a strongly negative connotation for most people, but I think that it is unwarranted. Let’s walk through the reasoning. Who is the best for taking care of my wants and needs? I am. What happens if I ignore my wants and needs, and help others with what they want and need? I have either sacrificed my personal growth and well-being, or have implicitly placed the burden on someone else (spouse/familiy/friend). It would be best if we all would take care of ourselves as a priority.

As I describe in my first paragraph, there are some people that inspire us to greater than we thought we could. In this case, it is in our selfish interest to associate with these people and make sure that we nourish this relationship. That may be a cold and calculating view on relationships — yes it is, and most people would avoid being so explicit about relationships. But it is what happens naturally anyway normally without much explicit thought. If I enjoy being with my friends, then I am deriving happiness from it, so in turn I am naturally friendly toward these people.

In the end, I hope to marry someone such that together we can be a rich source of happiness, inspiration, and support for each other. And I will selfishly look for such a relationship, as I certainly wouldn’t give it away! :)

]]> By: Tim http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-7818 Tim Tue, 16 Aug 2005 05:48:54 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/#comment-7818 Woah now, I think some of you guys may be being a bit hard on Steve on this one. I know a couple of people whose relationships fail on some/many of the questions he (or Kirshenbaum, rather) posed. Those people are now in relationships that could, at best, be called disastrous and life-draining. They keep making excuses as to why the relationships must continue, but the gathering resentment is simply making them and their significant others more and more bitter, spiteful, and miserable. Now, a couple could work on these things if both people are willing - but I think that, even in the success stories, the currently-good relationships would successfully pass all of the questions at the current time. A romantic relationship involves both people giving and receiving. When there is a lack of respect, or trust, or connection, or commitment, things can turn very bad, very quickly. Woah now, I think some of you guys may be being a bit hard on Steve on this one. I know a couple of people whose relationships fail on some/many of the questions he (or Kirshenbaum, rather) posed. Those people are now in relationships that could, at best, be called disastrous and life-draining. They keep making excuses as to why the relationships must continue, but the gathering resentment is simply making them and their significant others more and more bitter, spiteful, and miserable.

Now, a couple could work on these things if both people are willing – but I think that, even in the success stories, the currently-good relationships would successfully pass all of the questions at the current time. A romantic relationship involves both people giving and receiving. When there is a lack of respect, or trust, or connection, or commitment, things can turn very bad, very quickly.

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