How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship
August 15th, 2005 by Steve Pavlina
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Relationships are among of the most complex aspects of our lives, particularly long-term relationships such as marriage. Your relationships can elevate you to new heights or drag you down into the dumps.
But what if you’re somewhere in the middle?
What if your relationship is pretty good, like a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10? Should you stay, openly committing to that relationship for life? Or should you leave and look for something better, something that could become even better?
This is the dreadful state of ambivalence. You simply aren’t sure one way or the other. Maybe what you have is good enough and you’d be a fool to abandon it in search of a new relationship you may never find. Or maybe you’re seriously holding yourself back from finding a truly fulfilling relationship that would serve you well the rest of your life. Tough call.
Fortunately, there’s an excellent book that provides an intelligent process for overcoming relationship ambivalence. It’s called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. I read this book many years ago, and it completely changed how I think about long-term relationships.
First, the book points out the wrong way to make this decision. The wrong way is to use a balance-scale approach, attempting to weigh the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. Of course, that’s what everyone does. Weighing the pros and cons seems logical, but it doesn’t provide you with the right kind of information you need to make this decision. There will be pros and cons in every relationship, so how do you know if yours are fatal or tolerable or even wonderful? The cons tell you to leave, while the pros tell you to stay. Plus you’re required to predict future pros and cons, so how are you going to predict the future of your relationship? Who’s to say if your problems are temporary or permanent?
Kirshenbaum’s solution is to dump the balance-scale approach and use a diagnostic approach instead. Diagnose the true status of your relationship instead of trying to weigh it on a scale. This will provide you the information you need to make an intelligent decision and to know precisely why you’re making it. If you’re ambivalent, it means your relationship is sick. So discovering the precise nature of the disease seems an intelligent place to begin.
In order to perform a relationship diagnosis, the author offers a series of 36 yes/no questions to ask yourself. Each question is explained very thoroughly with several pages of text. In fact, the diagnostic procedure is essentially the whole book.
Each question is like passing your relationship through a filter. If you pass the filter, you proceed to the next question. If you don’t pass the filter, then the recommendation is that you end your relationship. In order to achieve the recommendation that you should stay together, you must pass through all 36 filters. If even one filter snags you, the recommendation is to leave.
This isn’t as brutal as it sounds though because most of these filters will be very easy for you to pass. My guess is that out of the 36 questions, less than a third will require much thought. Hopefully you can pass filters like, “Does your partner beat you?” and “Is your partner leaving the country for good without you?” without much trouble. If not, you don’t need a book to tell you your relationship is going downhill.
The author’s recommendations are based on observing the post-decision experiences of multiple couples who either stayed together or broke up after suffering from a state of ambivalence related to one of the 36 questions. The author then watched how those relationships turned out in the long run. Did the person making the stay-or-leave decision feel s/he made the correct choice years later? If the couple stayed together, did the relationship blossom into something great or decline into resentment? And if they broke up, did they find new happiness or experience everlasting regret over leaving?
I found this concept extremely valuable, like being able to turn the page of time to see what might happen. The recommendations are based on the author’s observations and her professional opinion, so I don’t recommend you take her advice blindly. However, I personally found all of her conclusions utterly sensible and didn’t find any surprises. I doubt you’ll be terribly surprised to read that a relationship with a drug user is virtually doomed to failure. But what about a relationship with someone you don’t respect? What about a long-distance relationship? Or a relationship with a workaholic who makes 10x your income? Would you like to know how such relationships tend to work out if the couple stays together vs. if they break up?
Kirshenbaum explains that where a break-up is recommended, it’s because most people who chose to stay together in that situation were unhappy, while most people who left were happier for it. So long-term happiness is the key criteria used, meaning the happiness of the individual making the stay-or-leave decision, not the (ex-)partner.
If you’re facing a “too good to leave, too bad to stay” dilemma, I highly recommend this book. You’ll breeze through most of the filters, but you’ll probably hit a few that snag you and really make you think. But I recommend this book not just for people who aren’t sure about the status of their relationship but also those with healthy relationships who want to make it even better. This book will help you diagnose the weak points of your relationship that could lead to break-up and allow you to consciously attend to them.
Here are some diagnostic points from the book you may find valuable (these are my summaries, not the author’s exact words):
- If God or some divine being told you it was OK to leave your relationship, would you feel relieved that you could finally leave? If your religion is the only reason you’re still together, your relationship is already long dead. Drop the self-torturing beliefs and choose happiness. Living together physically but not in your heart isn’t going to fool any divine being anyway, nor is it likely to fool anyone else around you. Leave the hypocrisy behind, and take off.
- Are you able to get your needs met in the relationship without too much difficulty? If it takes too much effort to get your needs met, then your relationship is doing you more harm than good. Leave.
- Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to genuinely like you? If you don’t mutually like each other, you don’t belong together.
- Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying.
- Does your partner exhibit any behavior that makes the relationship too difficult for you to stay in, and do you find your partner is either unwilling or incapable of changing? Results matter far more than intentions. If your partner behaves in a way that’s intolerable to you, then permanent change is a must, or you need to leave. Example: “Quit smoking for good in 30 days, or I’m gone.” Trying to tolerate the intolerable will only erode your self-esteem, and you’ll see yourself as stronger in the past than in the present.
- Do you see yourself when you look in your partner’s eyes? A metaphor… if you don’t sense a strong compatibility with your partner, you’re better off with someone else.
- Do you and your partner each respect each other as individuals? No mutual respect = time to leave.
- Does your partner serve as an important resource for you in a way that you care about? If your partner does little to enhance your life and you wouldn’t lose anything important to you by leaving, then leave. You’ll break even by being on your own and gain tremendously by finding someone else who is a resource to you.
- Does your relationship have the demonstrated capacity for forgiveness? If you can’t forgive each other’s transgressions, then resentment will gradually replace love. Leave.
- Do you and your partner have fun together? A relationship that’s no fun is dead. Leave.
- Do you and your partner have mutual goals and dreams for your future together? If you aren’t planning to spend your future together, something’s terribly wrong. Take off.
These questions drive home the point that a relationship should enhance your life, not drain it. At the very least, you should be happier in the relationship than outside it. Even if a break-up leads to a messy divorce with complex custody arrangements, Kirshenbaum points out that in many situations, that can still lead to long-term happiness whereas staying in a defunct relationship almost surely prevents it.
Some of the diagnostic points might seem overly harsh in terms of recommending leaving in situations you might find salvageable. A relationship, however, requires the effort and commitment of both partners. One person can’t carry it alone. Even though you might come through with a miraculous save (such as by turning around an abusive relationship), such attempts are usually doomed to failure, and even where they succeed, they may take such a tremendous toll that you ultimately feel they weren’t worth the effort. You could be much happier in a new relationship (or living alone) instead of investing so much time trying to save a relationship that’s dragging you down. You’ll do a lot more good giving yourself to someone who’s more receptive to what you have to offer and who genuinely appreciates you for it. If you’re spending your relationship fighting resistance more than sharing love, you’re probably better off letting it go and embracing a relationship that will provide greater mutual rewards for less work.
You may find it revealing to apply these diagnostic questions to a broader set of human relationships, such as your relationships with your boss and co-workers. Perhaps you can skip the sexual attraction one… but mutual respect, fun, shared goals, tolerable behavior, getting your needs met, etc. all apply perfectly well to career-oriented relationships. For example, if your boss avoids you when you try to discuss your future with the company, I’d say that’s a very bad sign for one of you.
Don’t confuse the question of whether or not you should leave your current relationship with how you might find a new relationship. If it’s clear that your current relationship should end, then end it. Once you’re on your own again, then you can (re)develop the skills needed to attract a new partner. It’s unlikely you’ll be in a place to assess your chances of entering a new relationship while you’re still in one. For one, everyone around you will perceive you as unavailable while you’re still in a relationship, so you won’t be able to get a clear sense of where you stand until you’re free of that.
A proper diagnosis may also convince you that your relationship is indeed too good to leave. That situation may last your entire life, or it may change at some point. You can’t control all the variables. But at least you’ll have a method for deciding if you can commit to your relationship in the present moment or if you should be making plans to end it.
In any relationship, choose at the very least to achieve your own happiness.
August 15th, 2005 at 12:23 pm
Steve, I think you’ve got great advice on productivity and diligence, but your relationship advice (and Kirshenbaum’s) leaves a lot to be desired.
“In any relationship, choose at the very least to achieve your own happiness.” What a sad, selfish standard for valuing relationships, especially marriage. Marriage is not a _contractual_ relationship that you can break off if the other party doesn’t meet their end of the “bargain”. Wedding vows don’t have “ifs” — it’s a commitment of _unconditional_ love, for life.
Apologies if I’m coming off as naive or hyper-romantic. In fact, I think than romanticism is pretty bad for the idea of marriage. I definitely think marriage ought to bring happiness, but _feeling_ unhappy makes a crappy litmus test for divorce.
Now, I’m not saying that people should stay in an abusive relationship. I’m just saying that a marriage predicated primarily on personal happiness is a house on shifting sand. In my opinion, marriage is primarily a platform for *learning* how to love. There is no greater tool than marriage for learning self-control, faithfulness, patience, and generosity — all possible precisely because I am *not* focused on achieving my own happiness.
August 15th, 2005 at 2:24 pm
SCO, I tend agree with you, but giving Steve the benefit of the doubt, “achieve your own happiness” does not imply _immediate_ and _constant_ happiness, like the duration of an infatuation.
Taking a relationship to a higher level and striving to make it eternal could be necessary parts of “achieving your own happiness”.
August 15th, 2005 at 2:58 pm
In this context “happiness” refers to long-term fulfillment, not the basic emotion of happiness which can be brought about with a smile or by watching a comedy. You can consider it equivalent to Aristotle’s concept of eudaimonia (human flourishing). I’ve written previously about this concept here:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/06/the-meaning-of-life-how-shall-we-live/
My apologies if the use of the word “happiness” was misleading. Sometimes it’s difficult to be precise in writing about such concepts.
What Kirshenbaum suggests by happiness or unhappiness is based on how people look back on their choices after the fact. Did they feel their decision to stay/leave was the correct one in the long run, or were they later overcome with lasting regret? Does the person look back and wish s/he made the opposite choice ten years earlier? That’s the essential concept. “Happiness” might not be the best word to describe it, since that can mean different things to different people. Perhaps “fulfillment” would be a closer fit.
August 15th, 2005 at 4:12 pm
Like SCO, I find this post dissonant with your whole message and life approach advocated in your blogs/articles. I perceive you to take a holistic and proactive approach to life that says “If there is a problem here, I can make a difference” rather than “If this isn’t satisfying me enough, I think I’ll just give up and try something else” Long-term relationships (and especially marriage) needs to be _worked_ at. They aren’t always fun, and not all of those questions will always be “yes”. Sometimes, people may go through patches where they are unwilling to change, or finding it hard to forgive (for example). But love is an incredibly powerful force for inviting change, and unconditional love in these circumstances can often lead to “winning” the other person over. I wonder if Kirshenbaum’s research focused mostly on people whose relationships were based around choice/the individual (= what’s best for me?), rather than couples committed to making their relationship work, and helping each other overcome their mutual challenges and weaknesses (= what’s best for us?)
BTW, the research is very clear about divorce — in all circumstances, it is bad for the kids. Again, I’m not advocating staying in an abusive relationship, but if it’s just feelings/choices, then the best choice for the kids is to recommit and work towards success.
August 15th, 2005 at 4:18 pm
I have a friend (no really, it’s not me
who was part of a cult and was forced into marriage at a age 17 or so with someone with whom he would not normally have chosen to marry. We’ve talked about it a lot and he and his wife are clear that things have worked out between them only because of their unconditional commitment to each other. It is his opinion that any marriage can work, and work well, if the two parties have this commitment.
Jesus gave one exception for divorce, and that was marital unfaithfulness of your spouse. There are other exceptions for separation as opposed to divorce. However, the following quote from the book of Malachi shows the general attitude.
“I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as [he does] with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty. “So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith [with the wife of your youth].”
As a Christian, this is one of the things that really gets to me, since so many of my brothers and sisters accuse other people of things while they themselves get divorced, something that God hates.
August 15th, 2005 at 4:48 pm
Steve, a while ago I remember someone asking how one should go about choosing a mate while taking that person’s current level of consciousness into consideration (probably didn’t put it exactly that way, but I think that was the jist of it). Given how much of an influence people we spend a lot of time with have on us, I think this is very important. Are you planning on covering this topic along with this series on relationships? From thinking about it myself, so far I’ve come to the conclusion that I simply wouldn’t be very attracted to a person clearly below my level of consciousness. I wonder then, if I don’t have to worry about this whole thing at all.
August 15th, 2005 at 8:04 pm
@Ilya: Even if you start out at a compatible level of awareness, there’s no guarantee you’ll both continue growing in at the same rate and in the same direction. If the difference becomes too great, it can create new incompatibilities. Relationships are very organic and can evolve unpredictably. How great can differences become before love is replaced by tolerance and finally resentment?
I see unconditional love as a form of self-love. Many people never reach the point of loving and accepting themselves as they are, and it’s common to use a relationship to help reach this point. But once you do reach this point, then I think it’s easier to take unconditional love for granted (it becomes a natural part of who you are), and for a long-term relationship, you may look for something more.
We can exhibit unconditional love towards anyone, even towards animals and plants. I harbor unconditional love towards the readers of this site, for example, which is one thing that strongly motivates me to keep writing, but that doesn’t mean I want to marry someone just because I love them unconditionally. For a long-term relationship I want a lot more than unconditional love — I want compatibility, attraction, mutual goals, etc.
August 15th, 2005 at 9:24 pm
Wow, what a reaction … I found this article quite balanced and fair-minded.
What if the article was titled “How to know when to leave a long-term job”, and re-worded appropriately? The “diagnostic” perspective (as opposed to the pros/cons perspective) works marvellously, and the wisdom behind it is sound.
However, transfer that perspective to romantic relationships, and things get complicated for some people. Some people hold romantic ideals, such as “relationships should always be stuck with and worked at”. Some people automatically takes this to extremes and think it’s advocating divorce - which it’s not. This diagnostic process is just a way for you to judge the health of your relationships, romantic, professional or otherwise.
Lighten up guys - Steve isn’t telling you to leave your husbands and wives, or quit your jobs - he’s just saying to take a look at them!
And the diagnostic process isn’t just useful for telling you when to leave - you can proactively use it to identifying areas of weakness that are opportunities for improvement. And that’s the lesson I’m taking from this article
August 15th, 2005 at 9:27 pm
Steve, well said. About 3 years ago it hit me that my marriage was fundamentally lacking. For me it was the realization that there at first was the truth I couldn’t see, then the truth I didn’t want to see, and then the truth I wanted to avoid dealing with.
I found Kirshenbaum’s book then, went through it, and got the leave answer on about 28 of the questions. I stayed anyway, becuase leaving a marriage is a tough, tough thing to do - it’s just not something good people do, what will everyone think, we’ve got kids, etc. I decided to hang in there, suck it up, make it work by working at it, which I did. Now, 3 years later and after much angst and soul-searching, I have decided to end my marriage.
You point on compatibility is spot on. We married after a short-term long distance relationship, not really knowing each other at all. For two examples, I have a fitness lifestyle, she has gained 100 pounds since we married and now outweighs me by 40 pounds; she sees the world in black and white, I see it in shades of gray. I’ve made a very though and brutal decision that this relationship is not the one I want to spend the rest of my life in.
My biggest concern is and always has been my children. Despite the observation made above, the complete body of research does not say it has to be a disaster for the kids in ALL circumstances. Better not to have to go through it, of course, but I also would rather have not had my father die when I was 5 years old. There is research that indicates that if their needs are put first and it is made explicitly clear to them that they are not to blame, the parents don’t put them in any crossfire, and the parents let them know that they are loved unconditionally they can get through it okay. I have told my children that they are not to blame, they are loved unconditionally, and I will be there for them no matter what. I’m not angry, I care about her well being and want the best for her. Based on how I have evolved and grown and how I view the world, I am not the one to give her what she needs. Tolerance is not love, and staying in it no matter what is not a rational choice.
I’d rather not be at this crossroads, but one has a choice: Keep on living what feels like a lie because “that’s what good people do”, or live by a black and white view of the world that insists that I must sacrifice myself to an earlier choice (which I refuse to call bad because we have two wonderful children), or make a tough decision that requires the courage to be truely honest and deal with the consequnces. Again, I’d rather we not go through this, but I believe that it will be better for all of us in the long run.
I believe God loves us all unconditionally. If seeking integrity and honesty in a fulfilling relationship in this life results in eternal damnation, then the former statement cannot be true. If it is true, my understanding of God and his grace is wrong, and I’ll be joined by a lot of other people in my torment. I cannot know what is true on this count, so I take it on faith that God wants us all to be happy in this lifetime, as well as after.
There is one thing I know for sure: this ain’t no practice life. I’ve got 20-30 years left, and I intend to live them with courage, joy, and loving kindness. Once we get through this, I believe it will be a reality for all of us.
August 15th, 2005 at 9:48 pm
Woah now, I think some of you guys may be being a bit hard on Steve on this one. I know a couple of people whose relationships fail on some/many of the questions he (or Kirshenbaum, rather) posed. Those people are now in relationships that could, at best, be called disastrous and life-draining. They keep making excuses as to why the relationships must continue, but the gathering resentment is simply making them and their significant others more and more bitter, spiteful, and miserable.
Now, a couple could work on these things if both people are willing - but I think that, even in the success stories, the currently-good relationships would successfully pass all of the questions at the current time. A romantic relationship involves both people giving and receiving. When there is a lack of respect, or trust, or connection, or commitment, things can turn very bad, very quickly.
August 16th, 2005 at 6:10 am
I believe that marriage is a lifelong companionship in which the partners remain individuals, yet mutually motivate and enable each other to grow and enjoy life more than each would be able to on their own. The basic factors that I would consider are: Does my partner bring out the best in me, encouraging and enabling me to be more successful and happy than I could be on my own? Is this someone that I would gladly spend the rest of my life with? I have not yet married, so perhaps my view on this issue is overly naive and simplistic
I have some thoughts about selfishness:
Selfishness has a strongly negative connotation for most people, but I think that it is unwarranted. Let’s walk through the reasoning. Who is the best for taking care of my wants and needs? I am. What happens if I ignore my wants and needs, and help others with what they want and need? I have either sacrificed my personal growth and well-being, or have implicitly placed the burden on someone else (spouse/familiy/friend). It would be best if we all would take care of ourselves as a priority.
As I describe in my first paragraph, there are some people that inspire us to greater than we thought we could. In this case, it is in our selfish interest to associate with these people and make sure that we nourish this relationship. That may be a cold and calculating view on relationships — yes it is, and most people would avoid being so explicit about relationships. But it is what happens naturally anyway normally without much explicit thought. If I enjoy being with my friends, then I am deriving happiness from it, so in turn I am naturally friendly toward these people.
In the end, I hope to marry someone such that together we can be a rich source of happiness, inspiration, and support for each other. And I will selfishly look for such a relationship, as I certainly wouldn’t give it away!
August 16th, 2005 at 9:05 am
If a few details were changed, Mike’s situation very much like mine (although, fortunately, no children). Like him, I faound Kirschenbaum’s book and it helped me to realize what I already knew. In my case, I entered the relationship expecting more of my then-husband than he will ever expect of himself. I thought that my positive influence and committment to personal growth would rub off. I still think he is a wonderful man, but he was never willing to work as hard, and fixing the problems in a relationship can’t be done by one person alone.
I think Chi’s search for someone to bring out the best in you is the thing to do. My ex-husband often said that I did that for him–the problem was that it was not reciprocal.
August 16th, 2005 at 11:28 am
Amy,
If you don’t mine my asking, are you happier now?
August 16th, 2005 at 1:03 pm
With the exception of 9 and 11, I found the list of criteria for leaving a relationship very sad. With those expectations, no long term relationship can suceed. Period. Being married 17 years, I can say that we have gone through periods where the answers to many of those questions would have been on the side of leaving. For months at a time even. Sticking with it, in the face of the odds, in spite of not because of happiness, has always been the best decision. Recent studies of long time happy couples support that sticktoitiveness.
(Of course issues of personal safety — abuse and the like — don’t enter in here as they don’t in most cases. That’s another consideration entirely.)
I like the list as a set of indicators of relationship health. Maybe as a “How’re we doing?” kind of thing. But if I’d used your criteria, I’d have been divorced long ago and three adopted children would not be in our home today.
August 16th, 2005 at 3:09 pm
” 4. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying.”
I disagree with this completely. There are too many things that can cause a loss of libido and interest in your partner besides the “spark” factor. Medication, stress, too many to mention. Don’t ever stay or leave based on sex unless you have looked at all avenues.
August 17th, 2005 at 11:56 am
How Do We Know This Is The Time To Leave Your Job
I visit Steve Pavlina’s personal growth site a lot. He recent ran an article about how to decide when to end a long term relationship with your partner. The article specifically addresses the dilemma when someone is “too good to leave and too bad t…
August 18th, 2005 at 1:17 pm
Mike–very much happier. I’m no longer exhausting myself trying to please someone who actively opposed my personal and career goals. Sure, there are some lonely times–but I am finally free to pursue a search for the best life possible.
August 23rd, 2005 at 1:21 pm
Most of the replies opposing Steve are qualified with the phrase “barring any abuse”. I’m curious as to what people think consitutes abuse. Is it abusive to call your partner names? to drink every night? to tell your partner to “f-off or shut up when they disagree with you?”
August 23rd, 2005 at 1:37 pm
@Char: I consider staying in a relationship that ultimately tears you down to be a form of self-abuse.