Comments on: Dealing With Difficult Relatives http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/dealing-with-difficult-relatives/ Personal Development for Smart People Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:24:38 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5 By: Jenny http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/dealing-with-difficult-relatives/#comment-9619 Jenny Sat, 17 Sep 2005 05:05:04 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/?p=243#comment-9619 Your article was a godsend. I've been crying off and on for two hours tonight because my future father-in-law continually violates the boundaries we've set up. On top of that, he's never liked me (I talk back when he's pushed too far) and is punishing my fiance for asking me to marry him. I'm at my wits end and didn't know what to do. Your site has given me some fantastic suggestions. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your article was a godsend. I’ve been crying off and on for two hours tonight because my future father-in-law continually violates the boundaries we’ve set up. On top of that, he’s never liked me (I talk back when he’s pushed too far) and is punishing my fiance for asking me to marry him.

I’m at my wits end and didn’t know what to do. Your site has given me some fantastic suggestions. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

]]> By: Danielle http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/dealing-with-difficult-relatives/#comment-9559 Danielle Thu, 15 Sep 2005 17:31:09 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/?p=243#comment-9559 [quote]“Mom, when you call me every day on the phone I feel uneasy, because I feel like I’m being checked up on. I need to make my own decisions about how I’m going to run my life and I don’t want to feel as if I need to run my thoughts past anyone for their approval. Would you be willing to only call me once per week?”[/quote] I wish I could just stay calm enough to say something like this. I just got off the phone with my mother for the THIRD TIME TODAY! It's only 1:30 p.m. *sob* I ended the call saying "Please don't call me at work anymore today. You've already called me three times" to which she replied "no, I only called you twice." "no, mom, this is the third time you've called me today" Why can't I have a quasi-normal relationship with my mother? and WHY, oh WHY did I agree to buy a house with her? *kicks self* [quote]“Mom, when you call me every day on the phone I feel uneasy, because I feel like I’m being checked up on. I need to make my own decisions about how I’m going to run my life and I don’t want to feel as if I need to run my thoughts past anyone for their approval. Would you be willing to only call me once per week?”[/quote]

I wish I could just stay calm enough to say something like this. I just got off the phone with my mother for the THIRD TIME TODAY! It’s only 1:30 p.m. *sob* I ended the call saying “Please don’t call me at work anymore today. You’ve already called me three times” to which she replied “no, I only called you twice.” “no, mom, this is the third time you’ve called me today”

Why can’t I have a quasi-normal relationship with my mother? and WHY, oh WHY did I agree to buy a house with her? *kicks self*

]]> By: Doug http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/dealing-with-difficult-relatives/#comment-9331 Doug Thu, 08 Sep 2005 01:21:22 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/?p=243#comment-9331 This is a beautiful article. This is a beautiful article.

]]> By: darren http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/dealing-with-difficult-relatives/#comment-9146 darren Tue, 30 Aug 2005 18:36:50 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/?p=243#comment-9146 Erin, the 'observation, feeling, need, request' formula you cited sounds fantastic. It sounds congenial and constructive and I doubt that the listener would get angry with the speaker following the formula. I am certainly going to keep a note of it even though I am not having relational problems at the moment. Erin, the ‘observation, feeling, need, request’ formula you cited sounds fantastic. It sounds congenial and constructive and I doubt that the listener would get angry with the speaker following the formula. I am certainly going to keep a note of it even though I am not having relational problems at the moment.

]]> By: Erin http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/dealing-with-difficult-relatives/#comment-9144 Erin Tue, 30 Aug 2005 17:33:59 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/?p=243#comment-9144 I am in the midst of reading a great book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg (er, I think) and it has really helped me work on how I communicate with others. There is a formula for expressing yourself that works wonders: observation, feeling, need, request. For example. "Mom, when you call me every day on the phone I feel uneasy, because I feel like I'm being checked up on. I need to make my own decisions about how I'm going to run my life and I don't want to feel as if I need to run my thoughts past anyone for their approval. Would you be willing to only call me once per week?" That's just an example from the type of situation Steve mentions. But you can use this all over your life: "Honey, when I see socks all over our floor I feel annoyed because I want to live in a tidy house. Would you be willing to put your socks in the hamper after you take them off?" It's a lot better than saying: Damnit, why do you have to mess up our house all the time? Don't you care about my feelings? or Mom, why do you always have to call me 5 times a day? I can run my own life thank you and I don't need you to tell me what to do! I'm finding the book extremely insightful! I highly recommend it. I am in the midst of reading a great book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg (er, I think) and it has really helped me work on how I communicate with others. There is a formula for expressing yourself that works wonders: observation, feeling, need, request. For example.

“Mom, when you call me every day on the phone I feel uneasy, because I feel like I’m being checked up on. I need to make my own decisions about how I’m going to run my life and I don’t want to feel as if I need to run my thoughts past anyone for their approval. Would you be willing to only call me once per week?”

That’s just an example from the type of situation Steve mentions. But you can use this all over your life:

“Honey, when I see socks all over our floor I feel annoyed because I want to live in a tidy house. Would you be willing to put your socks in the hamper after you take them off?”

It’s a lot better than saying:
Damnit, why do you have to mess up our house all the time? Don’t you care about my feelings?

or

Mom, why do you always have to call me 5 times a day? I can run my own life thank you and I don’t need you to tell me what to do!

I’m finding the book extremely insightful! I highly recommend it.

]]> By: Elaine http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/dealing-with-difficult-relatives/#comment-9143 Elaine Tue, 30 Aug 2005 16:01:18 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/?p=243#comment-9143 When you point out that somebody is making you feel guilty, how do you combat their responding, "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. If you feel guilty, that's your own fault, not mine"? Or, better yet: "Oh ho ho, don't you go being the victim here. That's what your mother would do." I hate these kinds of battles. I always lose. Every. Single. Time. When you point out that somebody is making you feel guilty, how do you combat their responding, “I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. If you feel guilty, that’s your own fault, not mine”? Or, better yet: “Oh ho ho, don’t you go being the victim here. That’s what your mother would do.”

I hate these kinds of battles. I always lose. Every. Single. Time.

]]> By: Sukotto http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/dealing-with-difficult-relatives/#comment-9141 Sukotto Tue, 30 Aug 2005 13:54:20 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/?p=243#comment-9141 Some people try to find cracks in your stance where they can wiggle through and return to status quo. They try to argue with you about your stance as if they can somehow convince you to change your mind or get you to give in. You do not have to justify your position other than "I feel uncomfortable". If the other person pushes and pokes at you asking "why" and posing hypothetical questions you are not obligated to talk about it. You don't have to go down that path. Stand firm once you've made the choice to follow Steve's advice. If you feel too weak to do it entirely on your own get some kind of support. A friend, a support group/community, a professional counselor, whatever. Some people try to find cracks in your stance where they can wiggle through and return to status quo. They try to argue with you about your stance as if they can somehow convince you to change your mind or get you to give in.

You do not have to justify your position other than “I feel uncomfortable”. If the other person pushes and pokes at you asking “why” and posing hypothetical questions you are not obligated to talk about it. You don’t have to go down that path.

Stand firm once you’ve made the choice to follow Steve’s advice. If you feel too weak to do it entirely on your own get some kind of support. A friend, a support group/community, a professional counselor, whatever.

]]> By: Jethro http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/dealing-with-difficult-relatives/#comment-9046 Jethro Tue, 30 Aug 2005 00:07:14 +0000 http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/?p=243#comment-9046 Just wanted to say that the timing of this article is surreal. It was just this morning that I began a conscious effort to resolve an ongoing issue with a relative of mine once and for all. One tip that may be of use is to outline your whole argument to yourself beforehand and try to come up with ways the other person may see things differently, and areas that you think you will likely get some push-back on and how to handle them. Just wanted to say that the timing of this article is surreal.

It was just this morning that I began a conscious effort to resolve an ongoing issue with a relative of mine once and for all.

One tip that may be of use is to outline your whole argument to yourself beforehand and try to come up with ways the other person may see things differently, and areas that you think you will likely get some push-back on and how to handle them.

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