Knowing When to Break a Commitment
December 20th, 2004 by Steve Pavlina
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I certainly understand those who reacted negatively to the software book cancellation. Keeping commitments is important to me. The key lesson I had to learn though was when to break a commitment — if you reach a higher state of awareness where your original commitment no longer makes sense, how do you know when to cut out? Should you ever do so at all?
Because I spend a lot of time working on growth, I sometimes outgrow old commitments — I reach a point where it’s clear that the original commitment no longer makes sense, and knowing what I now know, I wouldn’t have committed to it in the first place. So do I try to subvert my new awareness and follow through anyway, or do I pursue the new course when it becomes very clear to me that that’s the most intelligent and honorable choice? A lot of times there’s a moral issue there too. If I was a Southern slave trader who promised delivery of 100 fresh slaves to a plantation, and then I suddenly had an awakening and realized that slavery was wrong, should I keep my original promise? What is the most honorable thing to do? In my case I would break the original commitment. Those who value keeping commitments as their highest value would proceed to ship the slaves, regardless of their personal feelings; in fact, many did just that.
Strange as it may seem, finishing the book was a moral issue to me as well. I reached the point where I realized I could be helping a lot more people through writing and speaking directly on personal growth topics, including the really challenging ones like this one. If I stayed my previous course, I would have had to delay a lot of good for the sake of helping a small number of software developers get better sales and perform better marketing. At my new level of awareness, I could no longer justify the old decision. The world isn’t going to spin off its axis because I didn’t complete that book.
Making a decision like this also involves weighing the consequences. Cancelling the book may hurt my credibility with a few people, but I believe it will only build authenticity with others, and I’ve been informed that this action has already helped a few others who also felt stuck behind commitments they wouldn’t make again and who were having trouble deciding if they should cut their losses too.
If I make a commitment at one level of awareness and then reach a new level of awareness where that commitment is clearly wrong, then I will break that commitment. If this gets you bent out of shape, then you probably don’t want me in your life. It’s best not to read this blog then. It’s not a question of what’s merely right for me; I think hard about what’s best for the highest good of all. In this case it’s very clear to me that completing my software book would not be for the highest good of all. If that means I damage my credibility with a few people in the process, then I’ll pay that price.
Another key issue is knowing when to make a commitment in the first place. When I originally began the software book project, my priorities were askew. I entered the project for the wrong reasons. Such a project was out of character for me; it was too timid a step. I’ve been developing a better understanding of the kinds of commitments I may eventually need to break vs. the kind that will stick no matter what. For example, I went vegetarian in 1993 and then vegan in 1997, and I’ve never broken those commitments. So I expect that with every lesson learned, I’ll get better and better at knowing which commitments are the right ones for me and which aren’t. But in the meantime, I see no honor in steadfastly sticking to old commitments that are clearly not serving the highest good of all — certain people who believe the opposite have been causing no end of problems on this planet. I can think of many people and corporations and countries who need to re-evaluate their commitments and re-align them with the highest good of all. I feel that globally we’re headed towards a massive re-evaluation of commitments.
December 20th, 2004 at 9:14 am
Steve, everyone has to go their own way, and has to do what they see best for themselves and for those they are trying to help.
Understand that when people get upset about this, and they are directing it at you, it’s more an issue of someone who seemed to be on our side appears to be abandoning us.
There are many people who are just now making the effort to travel down some of the paths you have previously travelled, and with the book “eventually” coming out it looked as though there was going to be a map for the rest of us who aren’t “explorers” but simply “travellers” looking for a better life.
Anyone who wants to get mad at you for making the decision you’ve made is just a coward to face their own fears of starting a software business, and are focusing those fears as “hatred” towards you.
In the end, those who are being hateful about this really aren’t the ones who you were trying to help anyway…
December 20th, 2004 at 9:24 am
Don’t get me wrong - I’m not mad because Steve is moving on to a new career. Bully for Steve. I want to be clear that our relationship as customer/producer has been damaged - damaged in way that will take a long time and a lot of effort to repair.
Brian has nailed it - Steve was a mapper and the seas he had naivgated were ones I wanted to try as well. Steve seems to be one of the very few people I know of to be able to retire from code-whacking for a living AND be willing to lay out HOW without bombarding me for another $1000 seminar or 100 HOT TIPS on RAKING IN EASY CASH in 21 DAYS!
I value Steve’s experience and I loved the idea he was willing to share his experience and knowledge. I loved the idea that he could make massive personal changes and still live life as human being. I would have paid an amazing sum of money for his book. Sadly, there wil be no such thing.
I can’t make Steve do anything he doesn’t want to anymore than I can go back in time and make all the girls I liked in high school reciprocate. Boo hoo! Every one has their own path, I get that. You take the lemons and you make lemonade. And then you sell it.
December 20th, 2004 at 9:26 am
One more thing: The argument that you operate for a “higher” moral good is also dishertening. How many millions have perished under the heel of folks who labored for the higher moral good (for whatever that “good” means)? Don’t make excuses - act in your own self interest - we don’t need any more bricks in the road to hell.
December 20th, 2004 at 10:11 am
I was also looking forward to Steve’s book very much — considering that I just graduated from college and was planning to develop software (independently) for a living. But that’s okay — I am a little suprised at this — but I understand the need for people to move on.
But I think there is something important to be said about all this: are there commitments that one can never break? For example, if you all of a sudden gain awareness that marriage is a waste of time and that you are constrained by it, is it okay to break that commitment? Can you really look at your family and say “Well, I have reached a higher stage of awareness and realized that being with all of you is clearly wrong. So I am moving on.” I suspect for many people the answer would be a resounding “No” (that is, they would say that people shouldn’t (or they can’t) break such commitments).
Also, no matter what anyone does or doesn’t do, (unless maybe like exploding all the nuclear bombs at the same time — and it is still doubtful), the earth won’t spin off its axis. So using that as an excuse seems very silly to me.
But this is probably one of the *best* blogs that I have come across. Please keep it up. And I’ll leave you with a nice quote by Arthur M. Young, The Reflexive Universe:
quote from http://www.arthuryoung.com/
The earlier concept of a universe made up of physical
particles interacting according to fixed laws is no
longer tenable. It is implicit in present findings that
action rather than matter is basic…This is good news, for
it is no longer appropriate to think of the universe as
a gradually subsiding agitation of billard balls. The
universe, far from being a desert of inert particles, is
a theatre of increasingly complex organization, a stage
for development in which man has a definite place, without
and upper limit to his evolution.
So to be one with the universe, action is a must!
[BTW, a “Preview” button right beside the “Say It!” button
would be nice.]
December 20th, 2004 at 11:08 am
It’s odd, but while I was disappointed in the cancellation of the book, I didn’t feel a lot of anguish about it. Steve’s explanation makes perfect sense to me.
When I originally read the news, it didn’t enter my mind to become disheartened. Some of the comments were negative, but I ignored them. Apparently there were more negative comments that I didn’t see.
It seems that people don’t want to believe that someone can be successful by following the trail blazed by people like Robbins, Pavlina, and Tracy, among others. They want to see them fail at something because it is easier to point and say, “Hah! Look! Why should I follow him when he failed, too?”
70% of the decisions most successful people make turn out to be wrong in the end. Babe Ruth held the strikeout record, but he also had the homerun record.
And Steve had to break his committment to making his book. People point to this as a failure, when in fact this is probably a great success. If you’re in a horrible relationship, do you stay in it or get out? Most people would stay, sometimes for years, constantly getting abused, emotionally or otherwise. To be able to stand up for yourself and your principles and say, “I am not going to do this anymore because it is doing more harm than good” not only saves you, but your partner.
It’s a strained analogy, I know, but knowing when to cut your losses is an important thing to know. Not all successes will be sweet. Not all people are happy about the situation with the book. But Steve is freeing up time and resources to do so much more than what his book would have accomplished.
For those who would have benefitted from the book: it’s like you were moving down a tunnel, towards the light, and then someone closed the cover on the end. Now what? Pick another tunnel. Make your own. Don’t just sit there and say, “Oh well. Now I’ll never know how to be successful.” Instead, say, “Oh well. Now, HOW will I become successful without that resource?” Then do your best to answer that question.
December 20th, 2004 at 12:07 pm
Haha, you know who needs a re-evaluation of commitments?
Electronic Arts.
Thanks for all the articles/blogs
December 20th, 2004 at 1:30 pm
You know - I didn’t have any problem with the previous post where you said you were going to drop the book. But why did you need to compare it trading slaves? Why did you feel the need to explain yourself beyond the reasons you gave in that post? Was this really just a rationalization for yourself? The world could have done without this post.
December 20th, 2004 at 1:50 pm
@GBGames: I never considered Steve’s book as my salvation, though it seems that many of the angered folks did. The book would have simply been one extra resource in my resource toolbox. If someone was expecting that reading Steve’s book would be enough to build a successful business, they were seriously deluding themselves. Steve himself says that you should read not one but dozens of books on a subject you want to improve in. I don’t see the book cancellation as a setback at all. If the book were released, it would’ve helped me. Without it I’ll just have to look somewhere else for that info. It’s all out there though, just not in book form.
@Michael Le: it’s hard for me to understand why everyone’s blaming EA so much. Sure they’re bastards, but the re-evaluation of commitments should be done by the employees. They’re the ones who let EA do this to them. The nice thing about capitalism is that you don’t have to work for someone if you don’t want to. If I was working at EA and didn’t like the conditions I would’ve simply left. The fact that there are people out there who’d happily work in such ridiculous conditions says more about how screwed up the game industry (and people who work there) is in general than about how bad EA is. This is actually one of the major reasons why after graduating from college I got a “regular job” before starting my own business instead of getting a job in the game industry. I knew how bad the conditions were, and I knew that I didn’t want to work in these conditions.
December 20th, 2004 at 2:15 pm
One thing I wanted to add: when I left my last and final job, my manager wanted to know why I was leaving. So I told him I’m starting my own game company. He told me that he could get me an interview at EA (which I didn’t expect), but of course I declined because I knew that I didn’t want another job. What was even more amazing is that when I did an exit interview with the VP of Engineering and told him the same thing, he said that he totally understands me, because get this — he personally knows the president of Blizzard Entertainment! And he said that he knew the guy all the way back when the company was operating out of his parents’ garage, who thought that their son wouldn’t ever achieve anything in life.
Funny thing is that Blizzard was the only game company I ever wanted to work at. But eventually I realized why work at a company like that when I can build a company like that. 
December 20th, 2004 at 4:41 pm
Everyone who wants to start a business of any kind can still read all the other articles at Dexterity and the posts here and the boomkazillions of books on personal productivity out there and then through their own efforts only succeed. This “you won’t hold my hand because you don’t care anymore and now I hate you” rhetoric betrays a deep sense of insecurity and dependence which should be addressed first before trying to start anything of value.
But, I was wondering, what will you do with Dexterity Software? Will someone else take over the business or will you phase it out of existence? I guess that you’d have to really trust someone to take over your business so I assume that that won’t happen? (Though we all know about assumptions..)
December 20th, 2004 at 6:39 pm
I am glad I read this entry this early in reading your blog so I will know to remove it from my list.
There is a difference between a plan and a commitment. A plan is merely a sequence of events one has determined as the best course of action to accomplish a goal. One may change the events or goal at will. This is merely a change of plans.
However a commitment is an agreement in which your word is given that you will accomplish some task. When a commitment is broken, a trust has been violated unless the other parties have released you from your commitment. If you had a contract to deliver a book and then refused to deliver it, that would be a violation of commitment. If you merely planned to write a book and then changed your plans that would not be violating a commitment.
However, the idea that commitment can be broke for higher good is no commitment at all. It is often perceived as (and usually is) self-serving. A person who says he will violate a commitment for the greater good has just announced that you cannot trust him, for he may regard YOU as the lesser good.
What of the case of the slave trader? He is engaged in a moral wrong that should be corrected. Such is not the breaking of a proper commitment but the repentance of an evil act. Unless the writing of a book is an evil of itself, breaking a commitment to write it is hardly comparable to righting grievous wrongs
Commitments may be renegotiated or sometimes circumstances may occur which render us unable to keep a commitment, but true commitments should not be violated.
December 20th, 2004 at 7:15 pm
What’s interesting to me is that the individuals that want to bash Steve for his decision seem to all be named “Anonymous”.
More power to you, Steve. I’ve been there and I know the awareness factor. It has nothing to do with being selfish. If I was incredible at mowing lawns, but it simply didn’t make me happy, I would find a different way to give to the world that would be more rewarding for me. This blog seems to be your way. Nobody can doubt your charity. You have submitted more free knowledge to the world than all these Anonymouses put together. You could call it all quits, right now, and your contributions would be placed easily in the top 1% of honorables. Bah to those who get upset because you only mowed their lawn 5+ years for free. To them I say, how dare you? Learn to accept the gift you have been given graciously and without greed. Watch the lawnmower while he shows you the way. Put forth the effort into applying what you’ve learned. Use your own brain. That way, when the lawnmower needs to walk away from something, you won’t say, “I can’t believe you’re walking away from my lawn!”. Instead, you’ll simply say, “Whatever you need to do, I’m behind you. And hey… thanks.”
December 20th, 2004 at 9:30 pm
Personally, I’d rather see Steve’s reading list than his book anyway. I like his writing a lot, but I’d rather read ten books on the subject than just his.
December 20th, 2004 at 10:39 pm
What’s interesting to me is that the individuals that talk about “Anonymous” seem to all be named “Joseph A. Young”.
December 20th, 2004 at 11:41 pm
While i believe in keeping commitments, i also know that there are times when you have to reconsider. If you believe that following through on a commitment is no longer the right thing to do then you shouldnt. It’s as easy as that.
Although some commitments should not be broken easily, you are the only one you are truly accountable to and if you can live with the consequences your actions might cause you should not let you be tied down by commitments made.
I stumbled upon Steves articles a few days ago and would have liked a book, but as other posters and Steve already pointed out: You shouldnt read only one book and hope for all your answers, you should read lots. And the ones that wont be written will probably be missed, but you probably read most of it in other forms elsewhere.
December 21st, 2004 at 1:30 am
Understand that when people get upset about this, and they are directing it at you, it’s more an issue of someone who seemed to be on our side appears to be abandoning us.
How has Steve abandoned anyone? Did I accidentally delete the voicemail where Steve called and told me he was “on my side?”
I’d characterize the situation somewhat less generously.
A few people were envious of Steve’s success and desirous of the wealth they imagined his knowledge would bring them. They became attached to the images of their new life, so they feel afflicted by the cancellation of the book.
For everyone who is authentically angry about the book cancellation, there is already a book for you! I think it was called, “Who Moved My Cheese?” And it’s probably available right now in your local bookstore!
Okay, enough negative energy from me…
December 21st, 2004 at 4:04 am
To “No Such Person”:
. Of course only few people are affected by Steve’s refocusing (Steve is not Bill) but …
You are missing the whole point. It’s about keeping commitments, not about a book which was a “vapourbook”. Several years ago Bill Gates said that OS/2 is a personal computing future. Many people invested their time and skills to develop applications for this operating system. And then Microsoft re-evaluated their commitments
You can also see that credibility is not on the Steve’s values list.
December 21st, 2004 at 6:45 am
What the hell’s wrong with you people? He didn’t ditch anyone at the altar. He made a commitment to himself and how he would spend his time, but he made no promises to any of us. Steve changed his mind, that’s it. God bless him and good luck. He’s given a tremendous amount of his time, energy and even money to the indie game development community, and anyone in the business who says different is an ungrateful wretch.
December 21st, 2004 at 1:19 pm
The way some people are talking you’d think Steve just ran over a fresh litter of kittens.
And all the talk about “commitment” from a Bush blogger is deliciously ironic. Perhaps we should all bash Steve for failing to properly fund his “No indie game developer left behind” program?
December 21st, 2004 at 1:52 pm
I think we should meet up at Steve’s house, take him out back, and beat the snot out of him. Just kidding.
Really, anyone that is unhappy can vote with his Blog Reader. You don’t have to subscribe anymore. I orginally started monitoring this blog because Steve was known as a shareware marketing expert. I wish he had written his book, but it is not the end of the world. Here is another book that you may want to consider:
http://www.aegis-resources.com/product_marketing_handbook_fou.htm
It is very good!
Personally, I have been pleased with the direction that Steve has taken this blog. His insights have been useful to me.
Keep up the good work Steve!
December 23rd, 2004 at 9:16 am
Hey. Steve doesn’t claim he’s a superior being. He is, however, a successful shareware author and publisher, so I’m interested in hearing what he has to say (which doesn’t imply I’ll accept it blindly - his view on things is another opinion to consider). He likes to write these things he wants to say and post it in public. We both benefit. If it doesn’t benefit YOU, that’s OK too, just don’t read his blog. What’s so difficult to understand?