Why pursue personal growth at all?
November 24th, 2004 by Steve Pavlina
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This was a comment on the last post that I’d like to address, since it’s a very common issue related to personal growth:
Why improve at all? We are born. We die. Everything else shares the same fate. Then why this struggle to improve? What is the use? Expectations can only lead to misery if we dont achieve. Why not just lead a life of no expecation and see what happens?
That chap Jim achieved first place. Cool! So what next? He will now set his goals to win the Milky Way Speaking Championship? Ok, let us give him the first place there. Then what?
Has anybody here tried to live a life of no goal setting, competition, improvement? Doing things intuitively without expectation. Isnt that peace? Isnt that what we are truly after?
You don’t have to set goals or strive to better yourself. Personal growth is a conscious choice, one that is entirely up to you. This web site aims to help those who have made or who are making that choice. There wouldn’t be much point for a person outside that group to visit this web site at all. For such people I would recommend this site instead, which is the next logical step for those who are done growing and ready for eternal peace.
OK, so that was my ornery side expressing itself a bit… I’ll restate the issue: Is the process of striving to better ourselves in conflict with attaining inner peace?
My answer: Not at all. Both can indeed be found on the same path. One term for this state of being is called living in dharma. When you are in this state, you have found your purpose in life and are living it consciously.
Creating an intention for your future to be different or better in some way than your past doesn’t automatically conflict with being in a state of inner peace. What causes a lack of inner peace is the problem of attachment. When you become so attached to an outcome, trying to control something that isn’t completely within your control, you lose your sense of peace. But when you can create an intention and then remain detached from needing the future to turn out a certain way, you can experience tremendous growth and positive change without losing your sense of inner peace.
I’ll give you a simple example. In creating this web site and making blog entries here, my primary intention is to help people grow. For me this is being in the state of dharma. But at the same time, I also detach myself from needing any particular outcome to manifest. I intend what I want to happen, but I remain open and accepting of all possible outcomes. Some people reading this blog may be greatly helped by it; others may be totally unaffected or may misinterpret what I write. That part is outside my control. If I become overly attached to how others react, I will never be able to experience peace. Believing you need to control what you cannot control is a recipe for stress and overwhelm.
My attitude is that being able to grow year after year is the greatest adventure anyone could ever hope for. Growth certainly involves both pain and pleasure, but the pain only sweetens the pleasure. In the words of Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet:
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
There is nothing inherently wrong with leading a life expecting nothing. That is what you will get though… a life of nothing. If you don’t want anything out of life, then why are you here? Why even bother to get out of bed in the morning?
Many people ask the question, “What is the meaning of life?” But life is asking this question of you, “What is the meaning of YOUR life?” This is something we all must answer for ourselves. If we don’t answer it, then the answer we provide is nothing, and we will end up living (really dying) accordingly. My personal answer to this question is that the purpose of my life is to grow and to help others to grow. To me being on this path is equivalent to the state of inner peace. There is no final destination after which I say, “I’m done growing.” It is not some distant final state I’m after but rather the journey itself that is fulfilling to me. If I compete in a contest, it is not the win or loss that matters; it is the process of competing itself that is fun and exciting. If I set a goal to achieve and then move towards it, the final goal condition itself matters little; it’s the whole process that I enjoy so much.
What does it really matter if I end up with millions of dollars or win first place in a contest or build a huge business? In the long run those things are all dust anyway. But the process of doing these things — of slaying the dragons of fear, building new skills, making new insights, touching people along the way, falling down and dusting myself off — now THAT is absolute joy.
The bottom line though is that no one has to grow consciously. Life itself will guarantee growth anyway. How can one live on earth and not learn and grow? Either you grow consciously, or life throws you experiences that force you to grow unconsciously. Until you’re actually dead and buried, growth and change are guaranteed. So my decision is to embrace that fact and flow with the process of growth and change consciously. The alternative is to grow unconsciously. I’ve done both, and I find conscious growing much more enjoyable and fulfilling.
November 24th, 2004 at 8:12 pm
[But when you can create an intention and then remain detached from needing the future to turn out a certain way, you can experience tremendous growth and positive change without losing your sense of inner peace]
An intention by definition is a hope to steer things in a particular direction. If you aim to be detached from the outcome then why have an intention at all? Therefore its impossible for a person with intention to be simultaneously detached from what is happening to it.
[My personal answer to this question is that the purpose of my life is to grow and to help others to grow]
Nothing in the universe grows infinitely. A plant emerges from seed, bears flowers and fruit and withers into soil becoming food for other plants or its own next generation. Stars are born out of destruction, shine brightly and self-destruct to form new stars again. Birth, growth and death are fundamental properties of the universe. Infinite growth is not. More importantly Growth doesnt mean ‘growing’ in the conventional sense (growth of a company for example). Growth is the period when a phenomenon reveals its true nature. The true nature of a tomato plant is all that it does during its existence - maybe to make tomatoes. For a star it is to burn itself to its death, explode and become small stars or planetary nebulae or whatever. That is growth. For a human being the growth is to find his true nature and live it. This is what each one of us struggles. I welcome that struggle. Demands deep introspection. To listen to ones deepest ‘intuition’. The voice inside. What does it say? Does it really say to become a millionaire? Does it ask you to increase the number of skills/tools to 250 per week? If it does, so be it. But the fact that by doing these things one CAN discover one’s true nature is basically delaying the introspection the person must engage in.
November 24th, 2004 at 8:26 pm
I’m not as good writer so I’m presenting my thoughts in bits and pieces. Hope you wont mind.
When a person lives his true nature, there is just no conflict or longing. There is no ‘aim’ or ‘goal’ to achieve not because he thinks its ‘futile’ but because there is no aim or goal!- he just lives doing what he does. When its time to go he goes. If he is allowed to stay he stays.
Other readers may wonder - doode I want my IPod! I am not living that sh*t I’m talking about. The point is if you want an IPod go get an IPod. Its not about denial. Hard to put it into words man. I can feel myself levitating now
November 24th, 2004 at 8:46 pm
The growth that self help professionals offer is what I call substitute true nature. Millions of readers buy their books and multimedia but how many transform their lives? They cant because somehow something deep inside tells them that its not their true nature and those who do achieve realise that sooner or later. Thats why a fat man looses weight after reading say Anthony Robbins and then puts it back on again. The worse part is they blame themselves for it. It seems to them they are lesser human beings because they didnt live upto certain ways of living: growth for example. That time could have better spent by respecting themselves feeling good just the way they are and realising that the buck indeed stops at their door. They dont seek approval. Everybody else submits their ideas at their doorstep for their approval. Now that is power. Each individual has it. Why search? You are the most powerful person in the universe already. Why the goal? Why the longing? Why the pain? Why the tools?
November 24th, 2004 at 9:03 pm
In closing, having a goal is not wrong. I am not saying people should just sit and stare at the ether. A person living his true nature may suddenly like to paint but he paints without attachment. Not because its ‘good to paint without attachment’ but because there is no attachment in the first place! He wants to paint so he paints. Ahh I must be a zen monk. Have fun guys. Keep goals. Get frustrated. Then you will see my truth
November 24th, 2004 at 9:07 pm
Actually there is no one ‘true nature’. You gotta life. Live it the way you want to. That is what I mean true nature.
November 24th, 2004 at 9:29 pm
[If I become overly attached to how others react, I will never be able to experience peace. Believing you need to control what you cannot control is a recipe for stress and overwhelm.]
By replying to my meagre post you have clearly shown that you are indeed attached. Imagine many readers start writing ornery views to what you hold true. What happens then? You will respond to as many people as possible. Then you will realise its no point responding. Then close comments section on the blog. Long before that you would have banned my IP. Not only mine but my ISP. Whoosh! Entire AOL uk cant access your blog! Man, I better sleep
Seriously, attachment is present. One can do a good job of denying it but its there. You know it. Your intuition knows it.
November 24th, 2004 at 10:39 pm
Your ornery part of the post is a result of the lack of understanding other people’s point of view. I think you are very orthodox and thinking “My way is the only right way in the world”. You even redirect readers of your blog to the “Funeral Planning” site. In my opinion it is not polite and it is not a good joke.
TesTeq
November 25th, 2004 at 2:49 am
I have frequently have the same argument with my wife. I’m very long-term goal-oriented and she is not. She doesn’t create long-term goals at least not consciously.
Maybe it is just semantics, but I think everybody has goals. It is just usually a matter of the size of a goal. Today, my wife is going run a race. Her goal is to get up, drive, and run in the race. Anytime that you that you anticipate doing something in the future, isn’t that some sort of goal? I wake up and I’m hungry, so I start thinking about breakfast. Don’t I now have a goal to eat something? If I didn’t have that goal, wouldn’t I eventually starve and die?
November 25th, 2004 at 3:15 am
I have one more thought. If I decide that I don’t want to have goals, isn’t that a goal? My goal would be that I won’t have goals.
November 25th, 2004 at 5:16 am
Roger Jack: Please read post 4 of mine. I say that goals are not wrong. Goals that are almost 100% achievable are in my definition not goals at all (altho you can be adamant and define them as such). Most of them are needs and the rest are trivial - you only need to be alive to achieve them. As you mention, the size of the goal is crucial. The bigger and more audacious it is relative to your current situation the greater the chance of you being miserable if you dont achieve it. Eating lunch at 1.30 pm today is trivial if you just got off the bed at 12.30 pm (like I did now
and the freezer is full of ready-meals and an empty microwave is waiting for your command - ah the joy of living in a developed country! - but it can be a dangerous and foolish one if you are stuck on top of a craggy cliff with just a bottle of water and a long climb down to your favorite McDonalds.
[I have one more thought. If I decide that I don’t want to have goals, isn’t that a goal? My goal would be that I won’t have goals.]
This is entirely a thought experiment at any moment and hence 100% achievable the ‘moment’ you decide not to have a goal which can be any instant!
To recap, I dont advocate goal-less living. Semantically, its impossible. I’m only saying have goals that are almost 100% achievable to ‘you’. That is essentially the goal-less living to most people.
The problem is people influenced by the skill of a self-help professional create goals they cant achieve and when they dont they feel miserable. Thats not so bad - I pity the guy that in fact achieves a few of of them, because he cant now stop setting goals. He will keep setting goals which are bigger, better, greater than the last and soon wont achieve one and feel really miserable. Lets break the cycle at its bud. Dont set big, hairy, audacious goals (which self-help book was that? :)) If you want to set goals, then set goals that are 100% achievable to you
November 25th, 2004 at 6:45 am
serious_observer: How do you know whether a goal is achievable or not? When is a goal too big and unreleastic?
For instance, if I say that I’m going to build a spaceship just like the Starship Enterprise then that is obviously an unrealistic goal. If I say that I’m going to take a brief trip to outerspace someday then it might be achievable if I can save enough money. I’m not sure. So how do I know?
November 25th, 2004 at 6:51 am
Here is more food for thought. Suppose that I have a big goal that appears to be unrealistic and then I define a series of smaller goals to get to the big goal. The first small goal that I set appears 100% acheivable. Should I try to acheive that goal? If I do acheive that goal, should I keep going toward the big goal even if it still looks unrealistic?
November 25th, 2004 at 8:30 am
[Here is more food for thought. Suppose that I have a big goal that appears to be unrealistic and then I define a series of smaller goals to get to the big goal. The first small goal that I set appears 100% acheivable. Should I try to acheive that goal? If I do acheive that goal, should I keep going toward the big goal even if it still looks unrealistic?]
The whole is not the sum of the parts. Suppose you were the assitant of Leonardo Da Vinci. By analysing his each brush stroke whilst he paints the Mona Lisa, can you go away and do your own Mona Lisa that exactly matches his? Obviously not. Breaking up a large goal into a million chunks and then achieving each one of them sounds logically neat but a countless things can go wrong. This is not integral calculus doode. You seem to like this equation:
integral (deltaGoal) = goal
Now imagine another situation. You suddenly discover say like Vincent van Gogh that you like to paint and go out find something inspiring to you and paint. The goal is achieved when you finish the painting but that is not the point. The act of painting is the point. You are only looking at the goal forgetting the process.
[serious_observer: How do you know whether a goal is achievable or not? When is a goal too big and unreleastic?]
Why do you want me to tell you? What sort of an expert am I? I’m just a nickname doode. And even if I am the best expert in the universe why do you care? In any case this is not physics to present you with nice equations you can apply to all human beings. That is one more problem with self help books. They herd people under one umbrella. The problem is with you too. What is wrong with you doode? When you ask this question I can see you subtly saying these things:
* I cant think for myself cos I dont believe I’m good enough.
* I need someone else to do the thinking for me.
I am saying each person that is not mentally challenged can do the above. And I dont believe outsourcing this (actually letting it hijacked) to anyone.
November 25th, 2004 at 10:19 am
November 25th, 2004 at 11:55 am
serious_observer: You forgot a third possible reason, doode. The third reason is that I was trying to kindly point out flaws in your lazy approach to life. I can see kindness doesn’t work for you, doode.
Good luck with your meaningless life!
November 25th, 2004 at 1:00 pm
The Fortune lead one who goes and pull one who resists…
November 29th, 2004 at 6:56 am
Goals are just a tool. A means to an end. It really doesn’t matter what the end *is*, that’s up to you. A hike across Europe, learning Japanese, losing 50 pounds, whatever. Some future state exists, you want it, and need to figure out how to get it.
For example, my 8 year old daughter has been begging me to teach her how to fish. I don’t know beans about salt water fishing. When I fished as a kid, I would put a worm on a hook, throw it in the lake, and take home whatever bit. Salt water is quite a bit different. Now, I could just say “salt water fishing is not in my nature, and it’s pointless to figure out how. There are so many things that could go wrong.” Or, I could say that it *is* in my nature, which means that all of the faculties necessary to do it are already in me. I already have the licenses, know the right kind of fish, bait, locations, and techniques. I should just wander down to the pier and cast, since it’s in my nature and good results will come.
Both scenarios are silly. I don’t know about salt water fishing, but I can learn. I can set the goal of learning what I need and gathering the materials to be able to do it. I can change myself from a non-saltwater fishing person to a saltwater fishing person.
A trivial example, to be sure, but a valid one, I think. Someone may be trying to lose weight, and just not know the techniques to get it off and keep it off. Or may not know the techniques for mastering will power. I could just come to the realization one day that I am not content with some aspect of my life and want to change it. Fighting my nature? I don’t think so, not if my nature is to want to improve.
August 22nd, 2005 at 9:49 am
This calls for a response.
First of all, might I say you, serious_observer, have a fantastic logic way of thinking to things. Your lifesystem is quit efficient, robust and secure. However, as I’m going to show you, it’s also prone to a designflaw.
Seriously, serious_observer. Let me tell you a little story. There was once a farmer who wanted to know which of his sons should be given most of his land. So he decided to give the boys a challenge: to draw a right line in the fields without any technical aparatus. The first boy, the oldest, walked through the field, but coudn’t make a straight line. The second didn’t either. The younghest, however thaught and came to the idea of using a tree as a reference point. He managed tot secure a straight line and won the challenge.
You, my friend, failed like the first ones. You fail to realise that you need to analyse situations and devise a way of tackling them (with the right steps) so problems cease. With your current way, you’d just repeat the process of just going around the problems. Offcourse there isn’t infinite growth, but the problem with you is that you count in feedback. The problem with you is that you think one should only look at failures and thus absolutly render goals unnecessary. The flaw is, that everything isn’t absolute. Even you and your thaught are relative to the knowledge you have. According to your own thinking, you aren’t even speaking English, simply because you don’t know al of its words and grammer. You fail easily that way. You implent wrong criteria.
But why are you being so reactive for events that aren’t no good for you, while you can steps consciously for a certain amount of time with certian criteria to overcome those events/problems? Why can’t you be that third son? (Who made a difference by setting a goal)
If you donnot secure the future, you lose by default. Nature’s law. This simple wisdom my friend, lacks you. You can’t just live and see things going. Even your muscles know better, not training them enough means losing then. Even your brain, renders your thinking wrong. I don’t care whether you take Steve’s this way or Athony’s that way. As long as you take a way, it’s better than being mr.depressio. That’s why I can’t take ignorant thinking like your kind of people. Use your life or lose it. Nature’s law.